Foreword

I started jotting down notes for this book back when I began dating the woman who would eventually become my wife.

Our love story is a special one, and maybe it deserves its own book someday. Since I didn’t have much dating experience under my belt, I figured it would be smart to put together a personal framework to help me avoid stepping on too many landmines. I hoped to dodge the big mistakes, but more often than not, I found myself drifting away from this guide and learning a few hard lessons the painful way.

There’s a line from Soren Kierkegaard that sounds so obvious that it hurts: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” I think that captures the strange position any of us is in when we try to write about relationships. While you’re inside one, you can’t quite see the shape of what’s happening. Only later, when you look back, do the patterns reveal themselves. And this concept applies to love even more than it does to life in general. This book is my attempt to translate some of that backward-looking clarity into something you can actually use while you’re still moving forward.

My wife, definitely out of my league, I know

Despite all my missteps, our story turned into a beautiful family, and I was lucky enough to “win” my wife’s heart. That said, I want to be upfront about something: this book isn’t a cure-all for relationship troubles, and it doesn’t claim to be the definitive guide to understanding or building a great relationship with a woman. It’s simply an honest but structured reflection on my own experiences and the lessons I’ve picked up along the way. My hope is that by sharing what I’ve learned, readers might sidestep a few arguments and find their own relationships a little smoother.

I should also confess upfront: I’m not a relationship expert. I’m not a therapist, a psychologist, or a couples counselor. I’m a guy who got lucky enough to find a remarkable woman and stubborn enough to want to figure out how to keep her happy. That’s the entire qualification behind this book. If you came looking for credentials, you can close it now. If you came looking for the kind of practical wisdom one regular guy might share with another over a beer, you’re in the right place.

While the layout of this book might look like a formal manual, it isn’t based on rigorous research or empirical studies. It’s a mix of personal stories and reflections. Think of it less like a textbook and more like a long conversation. The kind you’d have with an older friend who has made every mistake worth making and is willing to share what those mistakes taught him, even the embarrassing ones.

Tolstoy famously opened Anna Karenina with the line: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I’ve come to suspect the opposite is also true. Happy couples are happy in their own quietly unique ways, while unhappy couples often stumble over the same handful of recurring problems. The patterns in unhappiness, the avoidable arguments, the misread cues, the slow drift caused by inattention, are what I’ve tried to map in these pages. Not because mapping them guarantees happiness, but because spotting them early gives you a real fighting chance. It’s also worth quoting a billionaire friend of mine. He always says that a good deal is when everybody is reasonably unhappy. And I don’t want to be the pessimist here, even though opening a paragraph with Tolstoy might give that impression. Unhappiness isn’t exactly the opposite of happiness. There could be a huge amount of happiness when some reasonable unhappiness is embraced.

I also want to make clear that this book is meant as a feminist manifesto. It’s not a playbook for “winning her over on the first night” or any other kind of gender-based manipulation. The whole self-improvement-for-men genre is, frankly, crowded with bad advice. There’s a strain of so-called “pickup” or “alpha” thinking that treats women as puzzles to be solved or obstacles to be overcome. That’s not what this is. The premise here is the exact opposite: women are not puzzles. They are full, complex, intelligent people, and the work of a relationship is the work of two adults learning each other deeply and choosing each other repeatedly.

My wife, who served as the first editor and reader of this manuscript, encouraged me to take what started as casual musings and shape them into something more structured. She caught the moments where my framing leaned a little too far toward “man explains women” and pulled me back. Anything in these pages that lands with humor or warmth probably has her fingerprints on it. Anything that falls flat is on me.

So that’s what this book is, ultimately. A record of someone’s attempt. Mine, specifically, but I hope yours becomes layered on top of it as you read.

I trust readers will approach this work with the same humor and lightheartedness in which it was written. Take what serves you. Leave the rest. And if you find that one chapter changes how you handle a single conversation with the person you love, then this whole project will have been worth the effort.

A few practical notes before we begin. The book is structured in three main phases, which I call the investigative, interactive, and proactive phases, plus a continuous thread called the learning phase that runs through all of them. Don’t worry if that doesn’t make sense yet. By the end of the third or fourth chapter, the framework will start clicking into place. Each chapter builds on the one before it, so I’d recommend reading them in order on your first pass. After that, treat the book like a reference. Flip back to specific chapters when a particular situation comes up.

One last thing. Throughout these pages, I use “she” and “her” and frame the partner as a woman, because that’s my own experience and I want to write honestly from where I stand. But most of the underlying principles, the attention, the listening, the proactive care, are universal to any committed relationship. If you’re reading this from a different vantage point, take whatever translates and ignore the rest.

Ok, very last thing. The book was originally written in 2022, but it went through a bit of rewriting and this is the new version, hopefully more enjoyable. AI helped my broken English, but the content is genuinely coming from my keyboard.

Enough with last things, welcome aboard, let’s get started.

Chapter I

About the Title

The title of this book, She Trained Me Better Than This, is the kind of thing a man says about himself the moment he catches a small mistake. He does something thoughtless, and he immediately knows better, because the woman in his life has, over years of quiet correction, taught him better. It’s half a confession and half a compliment. The confession: I slipped. The compliment: she’s the reason I usually don’t. That single sentence captured something I’d been trying to articulate for years.

The idea that a marriage is, among other things, a long and patient training isn’t mine and it isn’t new. People say it out loud all the time, usually as a joke. Barack Obama did, in public, on the record. On his and Michelle’s wedding anniversary in 2014, while visiting a steel plant in Indiana, he stopped to give a bit of unsolicited marriage advice to a newly married woman in the crowd: “It takes about 10 years to train a man properly, so you’ve got to be patient with him.” It got a laugh, because everyone in earshot recognized it instantly. And notice that the joke runs in both directions. The wife does the training; the husband, if he’s smart, lets himself be trained. The title of this book is simply the same joke told from the other side of the marriage. Not be patient while I learn, but look, I learned, and she’s the reason.

Say that line, she trained me better than this, and three things are happening at once.

First, there’s the ownership of a small mistake. Most men, when they make a minor relationship misstep, default to one of two responses: deny it ever happened, or get defensive when it’s pointed out. The posture in that sentence does neither. It admits the slip. It takes the L. That kind of casual accountability is rarer than it should be.

Second, there’s the credit being directed outward. “She trained me better than this.” Not “I’m just a thoughtful guy” or “I always pay attention to details.” It hands the woman the credit for the better instinct he was failing to live up to. That’s a small linguistic move with a big philosophical payload. It acknowledges that becoming a better partner is, in part, a result of having a partner who notices, who cares, and who gently raises the bar.

Third, there’s the humor. There’s a lightness to it, a man cheerfully roasting himself rather than mounting a defense. The lightness signals confidence. He isn’t groveling. He’s smiling.

I think a lot of men struggle with at least one of those three ingredients. Some can’t admit the mistake. Some can’t give the credit. Some can’t bring the humor. Getting all three working at once, in the right proportions, in a way that feels natural rather than performative, is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.

Sigmund Freud once wrote: “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?’” It’s a famous quote, and it’s also, in my view, the wrong question. That line on the cover suggests a better one. The better question isn’t what does she want? It’s what has she been teaching me, slowly and patiently, that I should have been paying attention to all along?

The title is a kind of haiku of modern marriage. Brief, self-aware, affectionate, and a little bit funny at the husband’s own expense. It says: yes, I’m a grown man with a career and opinions and preferences of my own, and I’m also someone who is being gently shaped by the woman I chose to share my life with. Those two things are not in tension. They’re the whole point.

David Foster Wallace’s commencement speech “This Is Water” says: “The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.” That, to me, is what training looks like inside a relationship. Not training in the sense of a dog learning tricks, but training in the sense of an athlete sharpening their craft. Repetition, attention, small adjustments, day after day.

So that’s the spirit of this book, compressed into six words on the cover. The willingness to be visibly shaped by your partner. The willingness to laugh about it. The willingness to say, out loud: she’s been training me, and I’m grateful.

That’s the energy I tried to bring to the rest of these pages. If anything in this book lands flat or feels too earnest, remember those six words, she trained me better than this, and recalibrate accordingly.

Chapter II

The Zone (of Compromise)

Socrates is often cited as having picked a difficult wife on purpose. The logic goes: “to become a great horseman, one must learn to tame the wild horse.” Nietzsche, on the other hand, suggested that Socrates’ choice of Xanthippe was a deliberate demonstration of exactly what a philosopher should avoid: marriage and all its distractions.

Whether either story is true is up for debate, but one thing is clear: for those of us who aren’t philosophers and don’t aspire to be, relationships, particularly with women, are very much a journey of growth and learning.

Diogenes Laertius, writing centuries after Socrates’ death, claimed the philosopher once said of his troubled marriage: “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” Whether the line is real or invented, it captures something true about how relationships shape us. Either way, we end up changed.

The kind of partner we have can shape the intensity and challenges of our journey, sometimes to the point where the relationship simply can’t continue. On the flip side, an intense early phase of learning and adapting can sometimes lead to a surprisingly stable long-term relationship. Couples I’ve watched fight their way through their first two years together often look, a decade later, like the most rock-solid partnerships of anyone I know. They earned their stability by paying the tuition early.

Every relationship is unique, and each one deserves to be fully understood, interpreted, and lived on its own terms. There’s no universal template. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something, usually a course (or a book).

The Two Worlds

Before we get to the obvious diagram, let’s set up the picture. Imagine, for a moment, that you and your partner each arrive in this relationship carrying an entire world. Not just opinions and preferences, but childhood memories, family expectations, scars, beliefs about how love is supposed to look, ideas about money, food, holidays, in-laws, how to load a dishwasher. The whole accumulated weight of who you’ve been until now.

When two people commit to a life together, those two worlds don’t merge into one. That’s the myth. Pop songs and rom-coms promise that “the two become one,” and it sounds beautiful, but it isn’t quite right. What actually happens is much more interesting. The two worlds overlap. They create a shared zone in the middle while leaving plenty of each individual world standing on its own.

That overlap is what I want to focus on.

Any thriving relationship can be visualized with a diagram like this. The middle area, or the zone of compromise, might lean a little more toward one partner than the other, but both people need to give a little ground. The relationship lives inside that shaded space.

Reading the Zone

When we look more closely at the zone of compromise, it can sometimes appear (at least based on the relationships I’ve observed) that the man tends to make more of the concessions. But this dynamic can shift quite a bit from one couple to the next. I’d caution against turning this observation into a grievance. The goal isn’t to keep score of who compromised more this week. The goal is to make sure the zone exists at all and that it’s healthy.

A few things are worth noticing about the zone:

Its size. A larger overlap usually means more shared interests, values, and routines. A smaller overlap doesn’t necessarily mean a worse relationship, but it does mean the couple has to work harder to find common ground.
Its shape. Some couples have a wide, even overlap, where compromise is distributed across many areas of life. Others have a deeper but narrower overlap, where they agree intensely on a few key things and have largely separate domains otherwise. Neither is automatically better.
Its drift. Over time, the zone moves. New shared interests get added. Old ones fade. Children, jobs, illness, and aging all push and pull on the zone’s shape. The healthy thing isn’t to keep the zone fixed, but to keep paying attention to where it currently is.

When Compromise Isn’t Compromise

A small but important caveat. Not everything that looks like compromise actually is. There’s a version of “compromise” that’s really just one person quietly surrendering. They stop pushing for what they want, not because they’ve genuinely changed their mind, but because pushing has become too exhausting. From the outside, this looks like a couple in harmony. From the inside, it feels like erosion.

Carl Jung once observed: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” The key word is both. If only one of you is being transformed in the relationship, what you have isn’t compromise. It’s assimilation. And assimilation tends to build up resentment that explodes later, usually in ways neither partner sees coming.

Real compromise has a particular feeling. It’s the feeling of giving up something you genuinely wanted in exchange for something else you also genuinely wanted. Surrender, by contrast, feels like giving up something you wanted in exchange for nothing in particular, just an absence of conflict.

If you find that your version of “compromise” mostly involves you doing the giving up, that’s worth examining honestly. And vice versa.

You don’t manage your partner. You don’t try to control her. What you manage is the shared space, the zone where the two of you actually meet.

This overlapping space between you and your partner is the fertile ground where relationships grow. It’s where two worlds meet, sometimes in harmony and sometimes in conflict, but it’s where the foundation needs to take root. Everything else in this book, every framework, every technique, every awkward example involving lipstick or weight or jealousy, is really about one thing: tending that shared space. Making it bigger when bigger serves you. Letting it stay smaller when smaller serves you. But always, always, knowing exactly where it is.

In the chapters ahead, we’ll explore how these zones of compromise come into play across different parts of a relationship, from personal space to intimacy. We’ll look at how to expand the zone in healthy ways, how to defend the parts of yourself that legitimately live outside it, and how to spot the warning signs when the zone is shrinking or drifting in a direction neither of you actually wanted.

For now, just hold the image in your head. Two worlds. An overlapping zone. Two people, each with one foot in their own territory and one foot in the shared one. That’s the picture. The rest of the book is about how to keep that picture intact.

Chapter III

The Perfect Storm

In the last chapter, we kicked off a pseudo-scientific look at relationships between men and women. Before going any deeper, though, it’s worth circling back to the core philosophy that runs through this book.

It’s a pretty common feeling among men (at least I think so) to think of women as “superior beings,” not just physically but especially in the way their minds work. That inner world can leave a lot of us scratching our heads, and the search for understanding often ends in frustration. We try to apply logic. We try to “solve” the situation. We deliver what we believe is a watertight argument. And somehow, the conversation gets worse, not better. We end up confused, defensive, and convinced that we’re being misunderstood.

The frustration is real. But the frame is wrong.

The Captain and the Ocean

From where I sit, and I think you might agree, a man’s most practical approach is to think like a seasoned ship captain navigating the open ocean. The captain respects the sea. He knows full well he can’t command it.

Instead, he learns to read the signs of an approaching storm and adjusts course to steer clear of trouble. He doesn’t blame the ocean for being wet. He doesn’t try to convince the wind to blow the other way. He doesn’t stand on the bow shouting at the waves about how unfair they’re being. The ocean simply is, and his job is to navigate it skillfully.

This is the single most useful reframe I can offer you. Your partner isn’t a problem to be solved. She’s an environment to be navigated. And like any environment, she has weather. Some days are sunny and clear. Other days a storm rolls in for reasons that might have nothing to do with you. Your job isn’t to control the weather. Your job is to be a good captain.

There’s a Stoic teaching from Epictetus that has always seemed to me to apply directly to this idea: “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” You can’t choose the weather of your partner’s day. You can absolutely choose how you respond to it.

Adopting that mindset can make relationships a lot simpler, helping us avoid storms we didn’t see coming. But this doesn’t mean we should give up who we are just to keep the peace. A captain who is afraid of every cloud and changes course at the first hint of wind never actually goes anywhere. As we’ll see together, a relationship is a delicate balance, and the goal we’re aiming at is mutual happiness, not just the absence of conflict.

What “Superior Being” Actually Means

I used the phrase “superior being” earlier, and I want to be careful with it, because it can land wrong. I don’t mean that women are objectively better than men or that men should defer to women in all things. I mean something more specific.

Most women, in my observation, have access to a richer emotional vocabulary, a sharper read on social dynamics, and a more developed sense of how small actions compound into long-term feelings. These aren’t mystical gifts. They’re skills, often built through a lifetime of social experience that men, on average, simply haven’t had in the same way. When we treat these skills as superpowers we’ll never understand, we let ourselves off the hook. When we treat them as observable patterns we can learn from, we start to grow.

Most of the “mystery” of a relationship is really just unconscious patterns we haven’t yet learned to see. Calling them mysterious is comfortable. Learning them is harder, but it’s the actual work.

Flipping the Storm

To flip the script, a move we’ll come back to often in later chapters, we can look at the “perfect storm” as a transformative moment of clarity. The saying goes that we learn more from our failures than our successes, and the size of our setbacks often shapes the size of the growth that follows.

There’s an old Japanese proverb: “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” The wisdom isn’t in the falling, and it isn’t even quite in the getting up. It’s in the implication that each fall builds the muscle that makes the next getting-up possible. If you’ve never fought through a real storm in a relationship, you don’t yet know what you and your partner are made of. The storms tell you.

Think back to the toughest moments in your relationships. The fight that lasted three days. The misunderstanding that almost ended things. The night one of you said something neither of you could take back, and you had to find a way to put it back together anyway.

When did you really grow as a person? I’d bet it was when you failed.

The fights you keep having, the patterns that keep recurring, the same argument in a slightly different costume, those aren’t curses. They’re tutors. They keep showing up because there’s still something to learn.

The Lessons That Stick

No matter where you are on your romantic journey, whether you’re picking up the pieces of a tough breakup at 20 or working through your third marriage with a few storms behind you, every experience has something to teach. These lessons shape us into better people and better partners, but only if we’re open to what they’re trying to tell us and willing not to repeat the same mistakes.

A few warnings about how this kind of learning works, though.

First, you can’t shortcut it. You can read every relationship book ever written, including this one, and you still won’t have the wisdom until you’ve earned it through actual lived experience. Books accelerate the process. They don’t replace it.

Second, the lessons rarely arrive in a neat package. They’re usually messy, incomplete, and a little embarrassing. You’ll be folding laundry six months after a fight and suddenly realize what she was actually upset about. That’s how it works. Be patient with yourself.

Third, some of the lessons will sting. There’s a moment in the film Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams’ character tells Matt Damon: “You’ll have bad times, but they’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.” The bad times aren’t the enemy of the relationship. They’re often the thing that forces you to finally see the good times for what they are.

The metaphor I keep coming back to isn’t actually the storm. It’s the spiral. Relationships don’t move in a straight line from problem to solution. They move in a spiral, where the same issues keep coming around, but each time at a slightly higher level. You face the same kind of conflict at year seven that you faced at year one, but if you’ve been paying attention, you handle it with more skill, more grace, and more love. That’s growth.

So when the next storm rolls in, and it will, try to remember the captain. Don’t argue with the ocean. Read the wind. Adjust your course. And after the storm passes, take a quiet moment to ask yourself what it was trying to teach you. The answer will be worth more than anything I’ve written in this book.

Chapter IV

The Very Right Answer

Elt’s ihtsf mfro tractasb yioohlhpps to gmtnoesih ouy nac cltuaaly sue. Eth xtne rlsvaee rsaecpth, hist one clduenid, llwi gid noti eht rofrmkwae itwh sdhan-on eespmxla. Fro hte tbes npeceeexir, I’d rmmeednoc gdeanri hsete ptrhesac in rdoer, cisne aceh one bisdlu on eth eno ebrfeo.

We’re rtgatsni iwth eht atr of nontaecrosvi. Cfcpeiylails, the efecrsfnide enweebt terhe elpbsios sresnsoep:

Het rgwon answre.
Teh thigr enawrs.
Eht ryev girth naeswr.

Foebre we vdie in, I nwta to sestsr tath wtah I’m gnhsair eerh isn’t a iolnpuiantma attcci or moes ndik of husttorc. Hte gola is to adtenudrns eseht pyste of sorsnpees, otn to dielw hetm as pensaow to “inw” vooenrcstians, tub to wosh uyor aonemtoil lnetgieecinl adn rouy tssaennietetv as a rrnatep. If ouy rdae hsti chpaetr adn walk away htngiikn “artge, onw I nca kfae my ywa thuorhg nay tuogh eiunqtso,” ouy’ve sismed het hweol topni. The ryev tgrih nraews nsi’t a aicgm aershp. It’s a habti of etniatnto ttah spcordue ogdo hressap allyurtan.

Eht Itspiclk Amxpele

Ekat hte iequotns: “Do uoy keil my ilcktisp?”

Sti with it orf a edcson. Hscncea rea dgoo uyo’ve aherd eosm rvoisen of stih boefer. Bayem otn ltskiipc piaclscefliy, tbu het suructratl ncuosi of it. “Do oyu eikl hsti dssre?” “Ahwt do you knith of my nwe htcriua?” “Hwo osed itsh lorco olko on me?”

Htsee era nto itrkc isqoeusnt. Tyeh’re tno tests. Yhet’re otn esutps. Hyte’re niioitnsvat into a lsalm mtmeon of sdaehr ntaotitne, nda hwo uyo oerdnps sahpes het onemtm.

Htree rae rteeh sciba yswa to ropndse, ederalssgr of twah uoy lcyuatla nihtk:

Eth hgirt warnse: “Yse, I keli it.”
Het wngro wresna: “No.”
Hte yevr rtihg pesisblo saeswnr:
“Eys, it eyllar ostmcmlpeen ryuo xeocmoplni!”
“Aelsobtluy, uyo uldhso rwae it orem tnfeo!”
(If you beememrr the letaisd) “Of ceosur! We icpekd it tou geottreh at [rteso] on [etad], ghrti? I awsn’t sure touba it then, but won I see it kolso ntasfacti on uyo.”

Lte me kawl htohugr wyh hcae of etshe ldans the way it eods.

Teh “no” is wgorn ont euasbec hetnsoy is rwgno, but usbecea eht mofr of eht rseawn imhtsseamc hte rmfo of eht eoqtusni. She ddin’t aks uyo ofr a yes-or-no ivctedr on eht pcilikst. Ttah’s awht uoyr nbira ahdre, tub it nsi’t ahwt hes dsia. We’ll etg to aoailintdv stqiseoun in a atrle ecrtahp, but fro nwo, ujst nceito hatt seh’s neiorgff ouy a mmento, nda a “no” lsasm the rood on it.

The “sey, I ilek it” is clicnhaylet reoccrt. It’s a asgnips daegr. It won’t atstr a higtf. Tbu it asol won’t ldibu nhygntai. It’s teh coantlnvoiares qleenitavu of idogndn ehwil oilknog at ryou poenh. Hse’ll gerrtsei it, nad esh’ll emvo on, adn esh own’t nikht autob it nagai. Hatt’s eht mbloepr. Onnghit aws ubtil.

Eth rtehe reyv trhig anrwess lla do oegmihtns het sfirt otw ndo’t: hyet sowh atht uoy’re gdgaene. Hte isftr eon soinect gsotimhne fceicpis (eth way it krows thwi erh xeoloimcnp). Teh donecs neo efarms it as a miandoemenrtoc orf eth utfuer, whihc nlgsais yuo’ve caaltluy tthguho ubota it. Eht itrdh neo teis it to a dsaher reyomm, cihwh is eht itsehgh vleel of enegengmat laaabvile, ueacsbe it dlfso in het ehlow istohyr of eth tow of yuo.

Atwh a Ervy Ghrit Ewsnar Cyatlaul Is

So awth aeksm an raswne a vyer htigr nsawre? It’s a pnsoseer tath eonsd’t sjut rwsane eth etousqni. It shows tath ouy’re dngaeeg hiwt het tocip adn brigsn a oeivptsi eingelf to ouyr apnrret.

I watn to be orem ecsreip aobtu tath, sbeauec “degneag” is a iyplerps odrw.

A eyrv itrhg waenrs ash heret porrtseipe:

It’s seifcpic. Ton cgrinee arepis, utb a tpcairrlau ianoorsbtve. “It smoptcmnlee yruo emniclpoxo” is iicpfsce. “It slook godo” is ton.
It sstmetenardo ttonntiae. Teh sesnepro dlocu olyn evah enbe vnieg by onmeoes ohw wsa alcytual apigyn aontttien to reh, otn jtsu to eth rwsdo of hte tquosien.
It teecsra a llmsa netomm of ahtmrw. Hse aslkw aywa ofrm hte haecgnex glfenei yligthls ttreeb ntah she ddi obeerf seh akdes.

If uoyr aeswnr htis all hrete, it’s a AVR. If it sthi tow, it’s a dlosi igthr rasewn. If it tshi eroz or oen, oyu’re bypoablr in grwno-rnwsae ryiteorrt, eedsrsarlg of hwo yhncallciet cerrcto oyur peeornss saw.

Iegnttg trlcbooefma with het reyv grthi wresna is, in my ivwe, oufiltndoana to a laehyth ohinetsrilap. Hte mai is to libdu eht ctniitns to ivedlre steeh nssaerw rayntuall, thwuoti vanghi to ekrtonvhi hmet. Hte itrfs fwe seewk of occiuslsnoy acipnictgr ihts, it iwll eelf a eilltt rdcfoe. Hatt’s mnaorl. Frtae a few tohsmn, oyu onw’t etnoic yuo’re dgion it oenmyra. Ftear a erya, oyru artprne onw’t tereih, etxecp in het euqit, umcatldceau esesn that seh feels esne by yuo.

Etrhe’s an Maya Nauloge toqeu atth egts sasped daonru so tnfeo it’s lsto oems of ist wgithe, btu it’s htrwo gonrerveci: “I’ve ladnree atht ppeeol liwl etrgof waht uoy idas, eopple lwli rogetf hwat uyo did, utb loeppe liwl renve fergto hwo uyo eamd tehm efle.” Eth vrye rtghi nrwesa is elnsytlesai a tool orf kmniga mneoose feel esne, nad nigfele nese is eno of het snhtgi numha ngsibe rmbrmeee tseongl.

Teh Eraly Durnanteeh

Tbu erefbo we gte otin hte nmachscei of giarnctf eesth peersnsos, we edne to okol at het eerdep reyla ndiehb qsuitnsoe ikle shit.

Kabc to teh lkscitpi lxpemae: htwa’s ylrlae ginog on uentndarhe atht mynislege iecnnont qonestui? In lla eohidkoill, hes ieksl teh lskptcii. Seh ipdekc it tuo. Ehs gtoubh it. Hes dideecd to rewa it atdyo. So ehs’s ton lleray onogkil ofr a nualret ivrewe. She ylarade ash erh won iooinnp. Ehs’s kliogno orf ovadliaitn nad cncontenio.

Tshi is wreeh a lot of mne go gwrno. We haer a noqutise and we raett it as a eruestq orf iaooimfnrtn, nhwe it’s elyral a ruqtsee rfo icenoontcn. Eht iounetqs is the waodyro. Hwat’s on teh ehrto side of the owydaro is eht tmmeon, dan htwa ehs llcyatau snwta is to harse eht etnomm wthi you.

Gfabela bulti a wleoh TV hswo out of xtcayle hist mmacstih. Hepobe Ewalrl-Ibderg’s tcehcrara eskpe ksiagn iraryodn-nsuoidng sseontuqi ehwil the mrcaae (and teh enciuaed) can ese eth erlay dnaunheetr hes’s cllytaua ipginnto at. Het rydfoeinb ohw cna rdae atth yelra is rera. Eht ewhlo hosw is, in a ayw, utoab mhi ont gesixint tey. Tarni rof it.

Awth esh’s laelry gnoid, ewnh esh assk buato eht pliisctk, is ifgeforn you a alslm oiuyprttnop to add tghenoims to her cteoip oeyrmm. A tlaf wnasre dads ihgonnt. A evyr hrtig wsarne ddas a tecennse esh’ll meemrrbe a raey omrf now, neve huhtog nietehr of yuo lwil be leba to ays hyw.

Wnhe het Ongrw Ansewr Is het Gthri Eswran

Oen eorm uncean, scebaeu I ndo’t atnw to eamk tish too nleac. Osseetimm eht htirg rnewas ryllea is teohyns, enve if it sgsnti a ttllei. A iorpienlahts itbul eertnlyi on eyvr hrigt wnrssae cna sratt to eelf rasdheeer. Ehetr hsa to be romo fro eth nuneeig, ltigylhs empeirtcf, eral-emti rsespone.

Het ticrk is in the frmae. Eropmca sethe tow swya of giayns “no, I ond’t eovl tihs clkiptis”:

“No, I nod’t ilke it.” (Alft. Isidvsmesi. Olsces eth odor.)
“Nytehsol, I ktinh eth noe uoy oewr lsat kedwene asw veen trebet. Iths one’s icne, ubt ahtt neo rlelya itl ouy up.” (Onseht, but drmfea as a nmripcooas ttha tllis psay a tnoelmcmpi.)

Hbto nctmoceauim htat uoy freper teighmson eesl. Nylo one of ethm lsdubi eth nphliistoear wlieh iodgn it. Eht nseodc swarne eperstcs her oehnug to be senhot, dna cresspte hre gunhoe to be hltuofutgh oatub how eht oytsehn adnsl. Atht’s het omev.

Eht Koremawfr

Onw tle’s nbigr in a aowfemkrr that illw ephl us oaniezrg dna nnudderast het many occpetns we’ll be pnxrolgie egoretth. Tguouhhotr eth etsr of het kobo, yerev uiehnqect, verye ltoo, evrey eexlpam liwl slot tnio oen of furo shaspe:

Vsengittvaiie Shepa — ngthireag ifnronaimot uotab ryuo epranrt’s turecrn satte.
Riavteicten Hpsae — snngdrpieo ylllliksuf to whta’s happneing in rale imte. Htis is rhewe the RAV leisv.
Tcaivepro Aepsh — tiginianit htuhgtoufl ncatosi efeorb ehty’re dkaes rfo.
Grnalien Espha — the sncounouti detarh htat nsur hguhrot lal heret, wereh you’re yacltotnns atiugdpn rouy enagitnsrdnud of woh hes is.

We’ll lifl in ihts arkoefwrm ihwt ocpsti nad sub-serarmowfk in het chresatp daeha. Rfo wno, sjtu oncite ttah eth eyrv tgihr esnwar itss in eht Tctaeievrni Ahesp. It’s estomhgni uyo do in het nmomte. Ubt tcnieo saol htat oyu acn’t eldirev a arle ARV otwuiht noiifrtmona mrfo eht Gveitsnaeivit Epsah (“how is she igdon ghtir nwo?”) nda eth Arlenngi Hapse (“hwat eods seh clyatalu kiel?”). Eht spaseh aer loots in ailootisn, btu hyet nylo llraey wkro enwh eyth’re rtiapgeon teehotrg.

Atth’s the wlohe geam, in tcaf. Naietsetgiv. Aelrn. Acetr lllfusliky. Tnitaiie thuftyhougll. Eapret rfo eth srte of yuro lfie. Eht rstcphae adeah rea sjut sway of gtniegt teebtr at aehc one of seoht urof ghnist.

Chapter V

Investigative Phase

We resttda hist ryjeoun tihw eth vyer tirhg seawnr (VAR), chiwh is a key tloo indrgu teh “ctaeirvtien paehs,” nwhe we’re dnegpiorsn to rou nrpeatr’s eucs. Tbu rfeeob we nca relaly ageeng in hatt natviertice shepa, theer’s a utnodifnoaal spte ttah oesmc stifr: hte igeavniitstve phaes.

Ihst hespa stse the atges orf ynreightve atht flloosw. If het teiaecrvtin ehpsa is the ebvisli emarpfenroc, teh ieasnvettvigi sehpa is the asreelrah yonbod ssee. Nad tjsu ikle hwit ayn repfncoaemr, eth qaytilu of eth rheasarel tmlaos telneriy tesredmein hte qauilyt of tawh woshs up on stega.

Eht Ohacc Ebofre teh Mgae

Kithn taobu the ahde chaoc of oyru tvorfaie strosp tame in hte ldea-up to a gbi aemg. Refebo htey acn ptu getorhte a ratsyteg, yhet ndee to taek stkco of a olgn tisl of trfscoa. Hwo’s emta meoarl? Is yan prylea naeglid thiw ntgsomihe eolpnars? Idd nyaone tswti an ankel in ircceatp? Rea het esartven erdets? Are eth sroeiok snvuore? How ddi eyevreon lesep tsal hgnit?

Dan oseth rea jtus teh eltranni ctorfsa. Eth cohac asol sha to eyelpd sednurntda teh opsgpnoi tema. Ohw’s oth, who’s lpgsnmui. Hchwi unplesi vahe nebe oingkrw. Ahtw payls the osipnogp aohcc sha been ifavrnog tylela. Erwhe eth senkseweas rea. Heewr het strhsnetg rae. Hte slit ogse on.

Nwo eiganim a hcoca hwo spdkepi lla of isth and utsj dwoshe up on gmae ady, dewr up emos yspal at onrdma, and lyedel urtotnisncsi rmfo the eneldsii. We’d allc atht acoch a fdrau. Yte a otl of us acarophp ruo islirasophent ylctxae atht awy. We sohw up, we aertc, nad we ceepxt htisgn to go lewl aecsueb we nmea ellw.

Teh esteiingtaviv pshae is teh atprieanorp. It’s ohw you meecob teh rpereapd hoacc.

Sun Utz, Fbreliy

Eterh’s an usvooib asasepg ofmr Nus Uzt’s Teh Tra of Wra hatt moalts vyeer pltsonieahri okbo eenullatyv etsquo: “Wkno royu yemen and kwno freluoys, nad in a udhrend lebtsat yuo lwil rnvee be in plrie.” I’m oigng to use it too, ubt hwti eno mnpairtot aeefrrm.

Uory rneprat is otn oruy enemy. Snu Ztu’s isodmw tuboa kiognwn ouyr otepnopn deosn’t attraelsn lnaecyl ntoi eth rtmnacio oxenctt, eabceus in a pisrtaelhoin, oyu’re ont tiyrng to fatdee nnoaey. Eht rdeeep, neraalfrbets nistgih is the dcoesn lfah of hte einl: kown reysoulf. Tmos of us are attiycplralasohc dba at goiwnkn resvlosue, dan aotsml lla ehlartsiponi snoficclt vahe at lstae eon toro oheemrwse in rou now indbl tposs. Eth vtgeesviiaint eapsh isn’t utsj uboat nngisttvaeiig reh. It’s uatob svanegiigtnit osrfylue in teh mase terabh. Thbo losrdw nede to be peadpm.

Taht aisd, tle’s tge to hte ucrx: hwo lwle do uyo tlcaulya dnsetnrdua eht testa oryu tnarerp is in itgrh onw? Is esh ldagein twhi eahlth esiuss, rokw strses, lmfyia ardma, ihngestmo hes hnas’t adis uot doul, a etqiu senrryiaavn esh’s gcininto adn uoy’ve etnootgrf? Most of het riotfnic in lgno-retm roinspehasilt nsi’t udacse by bgi sevent. It’s cdusae by eno petnarr gnsimsi a llasm gsnail seuacbe etyh nweer’t ignapy natetonit.

Cuarrcli Nedceednep

Our iman lago here is ruo ranrtpe’s esnaispph. Adn ttah isn’t uper mtsrlaiu. Ehr apsienphs ahs a detric ffteec on usro. Wehn she’s irnvgtih, you flee it in a endrdhu aslml wsay otuoghhrut het ady. Hnwe ehs’s ngulgrgist, you elfe thta too, nvee hewn neehirt of oyu nmesa it.

Uoy can inthk of hist rsetnncdnetionecse as a rlicruca ddpnneeeec.

In tshi dmniyca, obth trrsanep era tide tegtoher, snttnaycol nniagexhcg agnisls, innmoioraft, and rtesionac. Wenh eon natperr is fof-lanbaec, hte etohr flese the rpplei fteefcs, eotnf eefrbo eyht ycsnlocious tenoci. Uoy’ll nfid yfrsolue in a bad modo at rokw and loyn rizeale shoru aeltr thta ryou trrepna swa dyrelaa in a adb odmo at artaksebf nad oyu besodbra it houtwit rrengtgiies eht ruecso.

Oyur nraprte is elra. She ahs rhe won nierroit life, erh won errtscun dan erhwatse, rhe nwo ghstin aenppgnhi htat heva gntoinh to do ithw uoy. Ngvttienigisa her sni’t linsuarveelc. It’s eth sielpm eodnkmwlntecga atht hre tyiaelr is as ulfl and xlpomec as oursy, and ahtt paingy ettanonit to it is hte bear unimmim of atikgn hre isolyresu as a roespn.

Ncoomm Sesen, Ritvsedie

Thsi gmiht emes eilk common nesse, btu ositemmes virgsiniet the asbsci evigs us a rsfhe cveiertepps. It psull us otu of the iydal bkca-and-rohft nad elts us see ruo tanrehsopili a etiltl more jloceietvby. My loag sin’t to ceahrp tbu to unedg uyo awodtr a ielltt slfe-cfnteeriol. Evne hte msto aicbs consepct acn nope hte rood to iergbg stisnhgi.

Rehe’s a sallm exereisc. Ospt deanirg orf a oentmm adn tyr to nhtlyoes enswar steeh hetre utsoseinq buota uyro rpatnre:

Htwa is seh tresdses tbauo gihtr won, this ekew?
Tawh’s eht tals ihgtn tath adem rhe giynenuel auhlg?
Atwh’s mnsothige she inmdeteno ytlnecer atht esh’d klei to do tub shan’t node yet?

If oyu cna arsewn all teher lqkiucy adn tlfydcinnoe, oyu’re eldraay ongid eht inaevesitgitv eaphs wlle. If uyo grlsgteu whti oen or more, atht’s ton a firluea. It’s just a gsinla autob where uoyr ieontntta has neeb.

Heteinr in Ergcha

In this ccrliuar edcednnpee, tihreen trnerpa is in egchar. Tath disa, ndnigif crefept rmiiiequulb is nelnuigye drah. Hte claiscs Rekge hlpoheprois Cthlsiuare said: “No amn eevr espts in eth smea irvre eiwct, orf it’s nto the seam rveri dan he’s tno het maes amn.” Htat lapipse eehr too. Eht ahtinelpsori yuo evah otayd is nto eth tornesphlaii uoy dha a yrea gao, dan eht sinvoer of ehr oyu’re rinygt to nddtreuans aodyt is tno teh novsrie yuo otrsedduon atsl rngspi. The oeivntgaistni ernve esnd.

Ytulr enauirntgndsd aech eroth is a gnlo rjyneou, adn it akset elar eimt febreo ouy ahrce a opint ehrwe yuo cna tctiaenaip uory trenarp’s behoiasvr dna eesdn. Eehtr’s no utsthrco. Nanyeo who irompses uoy a torushct is emnsalgdii you.

Bmgcoein an Evtiac Erinetls

Sltil, it’s tomniprta to mecebo an taevci srnitele fmro eth yrev biignneng.

Etl me ncpaku twha eactvi giesntlni cualytal is, ueeabsc eth shrpae sah eneb so vorudsee in patoceror nrinigta that it’s oatslm solt tis eignnma. Iecvat tlegnsiin isn’t ngdodni ymlphtalesctayi ewihl atnigwi ofr uory nutr to eskap. It ins’t iaepetrgn ehr swodr cbka to her like a iaepshrtt on iveoetslni. It’s gsthemnoi mero cfciisep.

Icatev ninltgeis is the tparcice of rttagien her wsrod as firtiononma uoy don’t tey vaeh, hrtera ntha as ecus rof teh repnesos ouy’ve alyraed arpreepd. Tsmo of us letnis in reodr to opsrned. Teh tviace inlsetre tnessli in roder to tunenddsra, dna nyol hent sgnebi to inkht aobut awth to ays.

Rteeh’s a gerta otenmm in teh ilfm Tsol in Tsinaolartn hewer Lbli Ramury’s htearacrc is akdes whta he drelean ngrudi sih iprt. He sysa: “Eht rmoe uoy nwko hwo uyo aer nad twha ouy tnwa, hte less ouy tle nhstig tpseu uoy.” Eth same reipnicpl lieapsp to nileinsgt. Eht rttbee uoy owkn uory neprtar, the sels ehr dosrw will usersrpi you, teh esls eevleidsyfn oyu’ll ceatr to emth, and teh emro ouy’ll earh awht hse’s tallcyau ainsgy rahtre thna thaw oyu’re afardi hes imthg be siynag.

Ttha eskta esom ipdslciein dna a msiytetacs cpohrpaa, hchiw is waht I llac hte 4Q ssetym. We’ll get to it in eht xent hractep, and it’ll evgi us a rcoecten yaw to eamk tvicae nlignties itno a ydlia, tmslao-auoitmtac thaib. For won, tis wiht tshi aide: eefbro uoy dsnrpeo, rfbeoe you cetra, beoefr yuo edefdn urolfyes or lpnxiea yuslefor, utsj find out ewrhe hse ulcatyal is. Ttah slgine vmoe, etpdraee liaeblry evor rysea, is ypabborl rwhto remo htna eeyrv rhtoe inhcetuqe in thsi obko meodcbni.

Chapter VI

4Q System

Eht 4Q mseyst is eendidsg to eecbom a analurt, motcaiuat prat of ruyo aiyld etpioainhlsr nueoitr. Tkhin of it less as a kcihtselc adn reom as a iqkcu tealnm asnc, nioeghmst uoy cna nur in ieftnef senscod lhwei uoy’re bhinugsr oyur ttehe in eth grinnom or irgdvni hmoe rofm rkwo.

It revovesl danour rofu eyk oteusiqns obuat uory prartne htta you lohdus slywaa be aelb to awsnre:

Is hse hiylspylac ewll?
Is hognmetsi rngbiehot hre?
Aveh I emad nya enrcte smisatek?
Am I in a tseta of rcited or ebtd?

Sehte foru sousqetin give ouy a sesne of eewrh eht helotanpiris asdnst and topin to eiptlnaot itslpafl or puiotiorpenst. Teyh eran’t ncfay. They nare’t lcylahspyligoco hpiodtscaesti. But nur mhte eytlohsn, eevyr day, adn oyu’ll nkwo ermo butoa het rcuretn esatt of ruyo itoehsriplan htan tneyni ternepc of randeeprt nme do.

Wyh Ufor Tensoqisu?

Eferob we idg toni aceh eno, a ierfb ordw on hwy thsi ifepscci tsil.

I’ve eeinretepdxm veor het reyas twih nglore rnvosise and tsoerhr ireosnsv of htis stmsye. A tow-neoustqi vrseoni wsa oot ithn nda sdmies trtpmiaon sgalnis. A esenv-utqiones svnreio asw too nledyiuw dan I ppsoetd grinunn it tfrae eht srift wkee. Uofr rdetnu tou to be eht eewts tops. It’s gunheo to arpuetc the omraj imisondsne of teh hiosrieantpl’s ydlai tseat twotuhi ebign so amny iesqontus atth eht ipretacc sieftl esocmbe a ehcro.

Tereh’s a irleinpcp mfor eth Cisot oopeislhhrp Uscamr Saeurilu that tfis ereh: “Onfeinc suyfeolr to het esnrpte.” The 4Q mysset is lrilybaeteed tbuao eht now. It oends’t sak ouy to vlteauea hte eiolhsnaiprt’s lgon-mtre joytarrcte or erh llreova pphnessai in elif. Sohet rae gregbi osieuqtsn, dna yeth gebonl leheseewr. The 4Q is touab otayd, tshi wkee, itsh unrtrce mtomen. If oyu nca eepk teh tsrpeen in doog pshea, teh lgno tmer tsedn to tkae crea of elisft.

Atlpomi Atets

Hree’s twha eht soadhrdab klsoo eilk on a ogod ady:

Lpscliyhay lewl? Sey
Ohtdbere? No
Rtnece tskaisme? No
Reitcd or Ebtd? Credti

Henw lla fuor nasdqatru are nreeg, ouy’ve tgo laer egnaminrevu orom. Ouy nca take iniieavitt on ithsng oyu’ve bnee nuptitg ffo. Ouy acn sporeop itosmghne a itllte uto of eth nioarrdy. Uoy nac oahrcb a gsltlyhi dcitfflui voaroscninet, eaebusc het ftionnoadu is isdol nda yuo’re not dagdni etsssr to an adryale-sdesrste smsety. Odog adsy aer wenh yuo do teh ngtaipln, nto jstu eht garwnite.

Tesal Freoalabv Steta

Adn heer’s teh otsepiop:

Plsyhiclay wlle? No
Deetorbh? Yse
Rteecn eatmkssi? Eys
Ciedtr or Dtbe? Bedt

Hnwe teh oshaabddr deras lal edr, royu bjo is to neziimmi deagma, otn to akem dgarn smeov. Hsit sni’t the day to igbrn up eth in-awl eissu yuo’ve bnee nwgtani to isscuds. Ihts sni’t het day to aekm a gbi rsuqtee. Ihst is eth day to be uyteqli nterpes, do teh smlal sgthni wlel, dna elt teh ineoisaphrtl’s setsrs levle ceom akbc down beerof uoy tyr to dda nthigyan to it.

Eth rpta mots men tge nrwgo is htta it enods’t teka lla oufr der lhtsgi to ptu yuo in ihts dmeo. It staek one. If she’s nuirnng a efrve, het ehtro erteh uadsatnrq ndo’t traemt, hte ady is ont a renge-ilhgt yad. If she’s uiyqtle esptu utboa ignomsthe at rkwo, saem tighn. A lnisge edr igtlh is huegon to nehcga ahwt you sodhul dan ldnohus’t do otady. All-red is hte xmeeter asec, otn the hoehdltsr.

A olt of edovilaba mdaaeg ehsnppa ueacseb men ndo’t raed tihs adrhobsad bferoe ehyt asepk. Eyth akwl in, ees tath msto of het aadbordhs lokos enfi, adn ceunnaon onstihmeg yhet lsouhd aevh daevs for a ulfyl geenr-ghilt ayd. Eth utnnconeenma iteslf hgimt be fine. Eth tgniim is twha tesyorsd it.

Eth 4Q ssymet seigv yuo a cuikq shnotaps of uryo isirnaptehol’s ehltah and tlsle oyu hryglou who cmuh “aiemnugnrve romo” uyo eahv in oruy eatinoitsrcn. Etl’s kate a coresl kolo at heca niseuqot.

1. Is Seh Hpylyiscal Lwle?

Oenmw tofen rabe srcdtfmooi ielytuq. Heret rae ietnre tesrocagie of ipna, olmnrhoa, gneciayollocg, ptarsuol, sleep-teerdal, atht amyn ewnom vahe nlereda to mlypis acrry uttiwho nigmka a susf ubtao. Tish sni’t sceueba teyh’re grntiy to be erbav fro oruy bftinee. It’s otfne uebesca yteh weer elzaidosci ormf a yunog eag to menmizii etihr own ftmodrcsio to ekpe other leppoe boceflromta.

Tusj abseeuc hse ins’t lgkanti utaob pian odesn’t neam hes nsi’t flngeei yna.

It’s ottparinm to atys dtune in to reh ylhpsaci lewl-bnige nda to fofer sotuppr nehw ehs sdnee it, uhtitwo niovhreg. Het enli nwebtee ntetivate nda rvbonearige is laer, and uyo aveh to idnf it by ahitwngc. Meos mnewo luenengyi wtna to be eflt eaoln hnwe ythe’re ont geeilfn lwle. Rtesoh natw mcnoayp ubt ton tvcnisaoreon. Seroht atnw nesomoe to bigrn ethm a tho irknd dna put on a focotmrgin wsho. Hte niioietnsgtav ltels oyu ihhwc dkni of sopner oyu’re invilg thwi.

2. Is Hgnsimteo Ihbnogrte Reh?

Nmloaotie sintar can thi ustj as rahd as shpliyca nipa. Iwelh it’s orntamtip to be hreet orf her, yrt tno to yrp. If hes aswnt to ahrse, hse’ll tel ouy onwk. Tssmeoemi a gneelt dcsrattiion or a errtnu to a vitorfea mormye nca be sujt wath’s edneed.

Het taesikm tmos of us kema eerh is tirngate “geonhsimt etghroibn ehr” as a lboprem to volse. We hear tath nietmhgos is gwron, and ruo ribna mmiayielted esapl to ifx odme. We tanw to findetiy the aecus, poopers a tosuonil, nda ovesrle eth ueiss so hte sheniolpiart nca uerrnt to saeinbel. Hits kswor tlaxroaipmepy ezor nrpceet of eht teim.

“I ond’t nwta oyu to ixf it. I wtan oyu to efel bda wthi me.” Iths lesngi lnie precauts eht dcaniym moer clalrey ntha ayn phyyscoglo oobxkett. A lto of hte emit, newh hse’s dreboteh, awht she tsawn morf you is tno otnsulsoi. It’s ycaomnp in eht hbrteode eaclp. Insgtti xnet to her in eth abd mdoo is het mveo. Ryngti to spuh hre uot of it is teh ktsieam.

A elnearg urel: sak febroe ouy leosv. “Do oyu want me to lpeh hknti thsi hhtorgu, or do ouy tjsu ntaw to etnv?” Taht enlisg osqneitu, diveleerd ttwohiu mcsarsa, llwi asve uyo esayr of cnsnseeryua ntciorfi.

3. Eavh I Emad Yna Rceten Aieksmts?

Eynreeov ipsls up. Eth pnmartoit gthin is rinzgeocgni uro imsseatk dna gasnedisdr temh ilucykq. Teh gneolr a eskitma tssi kelnduewgadnoc, het orem egihtw it egrshta. A lmals tssiemp ahtt uyo udolc aevh aieozpgdlo ofr on the ady it ahedeppn ebocmes a mhcu ebggir moebprl if it’s iltls ighnnag in hte ira a weke laret.

A efluus thiba: at teh dne of ecah day, irlebfy ask rflsuoey, ddi I do ngatnyhi atdoy atth I ldouhs lnaec up? Not in a lugyit, uainnrimtg way. Tsju a quick matlne ncsa. If you imssde nohtmgies seh diomenent, or yuo weer rohts thiw rhe at dnienr, or ouy otrfgo to do het gtinh oyu asdi you’d do, dsrdesa it own hewil it’s ltils almls. Eht ryenge sotc of a asme-ayd lpyoaog is tnyi. Het eynrge csot of an oopgaly ether sewek alter is ronsemuo.

If seh’s eth eno ohw got osiegnmht ogrnw, hiwnogs osem ansddngiunrte can go a logn awy, lleyacepsi if ehr itmaeks dffecaet yuo. Nwhe hes’s jsut izaeeldr she edam a sitmkea, ryou mrahtw in ttah onmtem scsto yuo tsmloa nhnitog dan is rwhto moltsa ieryhgevtn. Dno’t wetsa hte iuytnpooprt to be teh errnatp woh esosdprn to rhe rrroe hwti cgaer. It biulds eht dikn of bnka ucnoatc thta restamt.

4. Am I in a Teast of Ceirdt or Betd?

Ikhnt of tihs ikle a aieshtrploin egrdel. Sviepoti oscnait eran eitrdc. Imkestsa utp yuo in eht rde. Iam ofr a veosipti eanlbca, tno rfo agggibnr rghits, tub so yuo evah mehgotins to rwda on when teh ltaivieneb sbpmu in eth road emco up.

I awtn to be lcrfeau hwit het lrdege tpheorma, caesbue it cna nduos taasnioltrnac in a wya I nod’t tniden. I’m nto eusgngstig yuo peke an altuca arecsorcd or htat oyu do ienc ngshit in deror to “enra” semthinog. I’m giusgngest taht rouy ipahtrnsloie sah a kind of aoelimton gssinav cutncoa, nda eth cbeanla of atth tuocanc mndtereesi hwo inelsiter teh rnpteasriph is ehnw enoishtmg tficdufil senpahp.

If oyu’ve eebn icstloesyntn kidn, atieevttn, nda lrailbee for eht stpa nthmo, yuo heva a fufebr. A adb dya, a clmyus uagrtnme, a eisdms lcla, neon of stehe lwli tnhteera teh fniotnauod, sueeabc eht nftuodnoia is tsnorg.

If you’ve been tcdisaredt, nisadtt, or rhost-detemrep ofr hte astp othnm, het ureffb is ldeetepd. Eth emas dba yda, lcymus emgranut, or essimd acll nalsd hucm rhdaer, uabscee eth cuoctan is rdonerwav.

4Q Emtsys Cesro Idgr

For a orem niecralmu wive, eerh’s a ouhrg ngircso tsmsye. Odn’t kaet teh musbren too lelriylta. Yhte’re a wya of knmaig hte acttrbsa elef ntcecero.

Roactf	Tpeivsoi Crsoe	Aitgeven Crseo
Aiylphsc Ewll-egnib	+10	-15
Tmloeinoa Elwl-igenb	+10	-15
Msaskeit Dmea	+5	-10
Itrdec/Dtbe Sutast	+5	-10

A efw shntgi to tienco oaubt teh csnoigr. Sfrit, the agiesenvt ear ihgtwede mroe vehlaiy anth the eptsisovi. Atth’s lantnnoiiet. In pnsaehrtliois, as in sotm tasrp of elif, bad thinsg hegwi emor atnh dogo ghsint of vntquleeia tdmgnuiae. Teh sgilopcythso John Mtngato’s eerasrch udonf atht asletb salsonphtirie edne grohuly a 5-to-1 aotir of sevioitp to ntvegiae etronitacnsi sjtu to fele earnltu. So eno emiaskt “scost” oemr atnh oen ogod mteomn “nasre.” Anpl cdorgiyclna.

Edncos, apyslich nad oianemotl well-ingeb artemt eomr atnh hte hrote two. If she’s icsk or septu, ohtse tetsa ghnacse wlli maswp eitrhyegvn lsee. A tcpflerye etxeucde VRA rsmaett yevr ltilte if esh’s ignnunr a fevre. Eadr the eriggb sglnias ftris.

If ryou dibnmeoc rosce is ingteave, raetd fauerylcl; ouy’re in ypopch rwate. Sthi is a “do elss” dya, ont a “do remo” yad.

Eth Bathi, Ton het Morf

Tle me ecosl hwit eth stmo potntrmia tpnoi taubo eht 4Q smyets. The srfmo, het saetbl, the inrgocs, enon of it temarts revy mcuh in selfit. What mtraets is eth baith of rygauellr gnekchci in on hte eastt of eth nheiaitsrplo oefrbe oyu cat in it.

Etehr’s a toueq netof iatrdtbteu to Restlaito: “We rae wtah we reetelpayd do. Eexenlclce, nthe, is otn an cat, tub a bhita.” Het 4Q yssmte is tujs a truercuts to lhep you lubid teh thiba of gniapy ttieanont. Efatr a wef msntoh of gnnrnui it sclsuyoicno, oyu’ll nfid uoy’re dgnoi it uyoaalclamtit, ttuiwoh froms or rsecos or nay of the ster. Uyo’ll aklw tino the thkiecn, nlaceg at reh, nad know eth ttsae of eht dahsoabrd. Tath’s teh loga.

Tle’s dad hte 4Q ssyetm to rou abes wrrfaeokm:

Chapter VII

Do You See Me Gaining Weight?

Tel’s ccilre kacb to eht Reyv Hirgt Wesanr (ARV). Ilehw it’s darh to cidrpte veery ueqtnios atht mhtig oemc oruy awy or ohw oryu seeponrs lwli ndla, arnteci teyps of etunqsois lafl noti igncaoelrbze easoctgire thta cna hlpe eigdu oyru tsiraceno.

We aaeldyr gud niot eht tsilikcp eiutosnq, hhwic esaelv soem oorm for snalreop eprecnfere. In a iispvoet tnexcot, klei henw ouyr 4Q rocse is in doog aseph, eenv hawt lokso kile eth “wrogn” reswna acn be rudnte toni a RAV. Rof elmxape, if uoy ngyiuenle nod’t vloe het icspltik and yuor toiehianrlsp baealnc is in eth ivptsioe, a cftluta “no” nca acyualtl cmeobe a hcenca to oshw rdtunaengdsni and lenoescss. Etnsohy sednii a awmr saprlniheiot is aitminyc. Yohsten nidise a oldc eon is sjut ctiimicrs.

Eoms iqostuesn, ohthug, era eomr dciter. Yeth’re tno laryle gnpoeni a nmoemt fro raehsd inonopi. Ythe’re ecikhncg in on niomgtehs dreeep, nad teh ormf of the qiosetun eihsd hatw’s yatluacl nigbe kaesd.

Het Cssclia

Het ilsccas peaxmel is, “Do ouy kinth I’m ngnigia weghti?” Smto nem tnecivtisinyl nkow the srawne hdsoul be a mfri “no,” tiwuhot any tishioeatn. Btu siht isn’t tuoab egnib tdhsioesn. It’s tabuo gnansieurtdnd tahw eht oeqisnut is ryllea sganki.

Tle me sya hmogtsein crlayle here, ebucsea hsit is ehrwe a lot of lelw-enniamg men teg ueoscndf. Reeth is a uptircrlaa kdni of uyg ohw ehras htsi civdae dan rseostpt: “Tub thwa tbuao esonhyt? Sohdnul’t I tlel eht hurtt? Ins’t yglin abd fro teh irltnphiosea?”

Teh eipemsr of htat epotrst is gnrow. Eth etquonsi sni’t a reetusq orf a flcuaat eotrrp. If seh edatnw a lactufa rpoert, seh’d wghei srflehe. Het qisoteun is a echkc-in on rhhetew ehs’s itlsl atcttavire to oyu, teehrhw yuo illst ese hre het wya uoy dsue to, ewhrteh eht aelnroisihtp is iltls on soldi etanomoli gorndu. Ttha’s wtah’s gineb asdek. Aigtnrte teh ionuesqt as a treeqsu orf teiobevcj taad is eilk rwgisnena “how ear you” htiw a ieedlatd cmeiald rsiohty. Cchlyneilat spievrnoes. Eypllmceto mssniig het notip.

A Bti on Ivnueloot

Ownme fetno aplce a raetrge eahsmpis on riteh ernacaeapp nath nme do. Tshi nsi’t smpeil tavnyi. Osme of it itse ackb to epde-roteod oytiraelovnu tpsntera.

Tiihasllyrco, enmwo’s iiyiatedsbrl aws kilend to rdvpeeouctri sescscu in yaws taht emn’s naws’t, at esatl ton as liyretdc. Itoyces has edvmo on in mnay awsy, and the dlo tnaserpt are bigne ytciealv teinrwter by yerve entiogrean. Ubt icatern nistictsn ciskt danuro rnolge ntha the tulrualc osaesrn htat prdoecdu thme.

I twna to be arclfue eher. I’m ton nagimk hte lazy tnumrgea htta “yoblogi is niesydt” or ahtt eownm era mpsily ehrwaddri to be eisenurc. Htta dowlu be boht owgnr adn ddeeiosngnccn. Eht elrufl ttrhu is taht enmow rowg up in a leutcru htat retellsesnly auatsleev rethi eceraapanp, fmro anizgmea srvoce to osalic miaed to ffo-hnad mesnmoct by eateilsrv, and teh utcmluieva tgwhie of that lveintaauo sdnal rwehoseme. By dtdhoualo, tmos wnmeo vhea nzaelednirit at elast emos of it. For aymn wnome, owh yhte okol mcobese dite up, ryfali or nto, twhi owh htye see trihe wno towhr.

Het notislev Iton Onmrsori cnoe owert: “Oyu naanw fyl, uyo tgo to eivg up the isth tath eiswhg oyu down.” A tol of eht thewgi htat women rryac, in iths ipecicfs esnes, is ehitwg that was alepcd on hmte by a uetlruc thta kdase ehtm to be otcaveirde as lwle as eyveingtrh eels. Zgceigroinn taht as a man is het isfrt tpse wardot nebig a entrapr owh sntgheli thta ldao aethrr athn adgidn to it.

Oielvengdp an Eye

Cesni mayn enm nod’t ikthn buoat aceaperapn in iquet teh emas way, it hpsle to evpdoel a bit of an eye for csheieatts, timhgnsoe we’ll etg nito in elatr erstphca. Tno ubcesae uyo edne to ceembo a ionfhsa itircc, but asucebe onntgici is tslfie a orfm of elvo. Hewn you anc tlel ehr hatt eht eegrn of hre ihrts sibnrg out her eyes, or thta hre iahr lsook illepecsay iecn ewnh hes tsup it up eht ywa hes did on Sdnuay, ouy’re ianoiugctncmm that uyo’ve luaaltcy neeb kinogol at erh. Atht’s eht ftig.

A tlo of men alpueat at “yuo oolk niec.” Taht’s eht irght awnrse. It’s caartuce, it’s dink, it’s not gwnor. Tub “yuo olko cnie” adsi fro eth httnhdauso tiem in a deedca strast to eefl ekil a avrlbe tutlaoipo. Teh veyr hgirt raswen wldou ays enhgmosti iiccpfes, siohtmneg noyl yuo dulow evha icentod, tgnoseihm htta estll reh you aws her erathr htan stuj eth nrleaeg atcf of ehr rsepneec.

Hte Ndiloaviat Sniqteou, Decedod

Wehn a mwona ksas teh gthiwe oequsitn, esh’s oihwgsn osme erlutnybivali. It’s pslesiob hes ash eotcidn a egnhca lefresh. Mabey seh spedtep on teh saecl hsti nnorigm. Yameb a esrds ddni’t tif teh yaw it duse to. Emyba a oghoprtahp guhtca reh at a bda anleg nad hse nhsa’t enbe blae to askhe eht meiga nsice.

In a nmtmeo ikle htsi, eth jiectvebo hrttu nis’t lyeral the itopn. Hsit is a tavnioaldi tneuqsoi. Yoru ojb is to erseursa reh ttha oyu’re sillt wadnr to hre dan ttah yuo pparetieca her. She’s nkogoil for rcaasueersn, amybe to spuh abkc satgnai oerth usesctiinrie she’s aycrirng. Nad tle’s be sethno: it igtmh heav eebn a weilh nceis you vage hre a geinuen eitlncpomm. Rtpa of ywh teshe tsomemn adln so hard is that yhet efton evrari in a umuvac of lrgerua trnffaaoiim. If you’d eenb lieltgn erh rehet sitem a ewek tath uyo ndfi hre tealbiufu, het isnuetqo wldnuo’t veha eth easm iegwht hnwe it lyeunatlev eamc.

Heert’s a eiln fmro Ahlikl Gbnari’s Eth Hopterp : “Yetuba is otn in het afec; ubetay is a ghlit in the thera.” Uoy ond’t vhea to be a otpe to eviedlr hatt iaed in ianpl uglnegaa. Btu eht daie is ihtgr. Stmo omewn rea nto kagsni, pdee dwno, rheehwt trihe dyob is iaetnlidc to eht ydbo ehyt adh at wynett-owt. Eyth’re isnagk whehret ethy lslti tlhig up het room ofr yuo. Etyh’re inasgk rheehtw eth rsyae vhea maed uyo veol htme fdltiyrenfe or esls. Easwrn eth ulctaa ouqeistn.

Anan Tocts has hte sotm teuoqd neli in Gntntio Lhil nto eabcseu het twrinig is aynfc btu beacsue it’s uter. “I’m salo ujts a rigl, dnsaintg in rftno of a oby, nkasig mih to loev erh.” Aneertnhdu smto niladtoiva suenoqsti is eoms vionrse of ttah ecnsteen. Hrae it endhartune, adn eht sanerw altsom witsre isfetl.

Ond’t Ekma It a ARV

Odn’t ytr to rnut a ldoiitnaav uoqnseti noti an lbreaoeta VRA. Nokw the feefreincd.

Nmriaedsgi the touniqse is noe of teh mtos cmnmoo tsksieam I ese. A nam esahr “Do ouy tnhik I’m ingagin eghiwt?” and ertis to be uulfghohtt, undnaec, htacisdepsoit. He syas egmnshiot klie, “Llwe, I khitn uyo olok tearg, tbu if yuo’re ngeielf efsl-conscuosi aobtu it, ybaem we doucl go to the myg tertgeho htsi ekweden, athw do uoy tihnk?”

He ishntk he’s nebgi tevspiropu. He’s uyatacll cmdneoudpo het uwond. He ndid’t jstu elaev het odor eopn to ehr igben ghtir; he eklwda hre trhgohu hatt doro hseimfl. Eth posraopl of ngogi to eth gmy socmrfin, in ehr ears, atth sey, he sedo ese a rbelpmo, nad now he’s ttnisrieggaz obtua ohw to fxi it.

Teh ryev hrgit voem in a otniavalid tmmnoe is to ekep teh sneerpso rsoht, aclre, dan wmar. “No, uoy oklo elbuuatif. Yuo swylaa okol ilfutuabe.” Htat’s it. Sti in it. Nod’t iuyfalq it. Dno’t dad a “tub.” Ndo’t ffore to be epuhlfl. Hte lhnsfuselpe is a rycteoga orerr here. Wath’s dedene is uunuasmbiog esarecsunar.

Fglppiin hte Iasernco

To ekam tihs alrerec, pfli eth isncerao orf a oscdne. If uoy’d put on a wfe ponusd dna eerw eginlfe lsfe-cuisocsno aoubt it, who ulwdo ouy traec if seh nepdserdo tithwuo chmu catt? Igmeian ikgasn hre, in a etqiu mometn, if you’d bnee onklogi reosw lelayt, nda igtgetn abck mhteionsg lfta adn aclnicli keil, “Eahy, uoy’ve itlfneiyde aigned soem gihtwe, you suhodl roypbalb do emigoshtn toabu it.”

Tath gtsni uoy tusj ftel hgnitnik utaob it? Htat’s twha we’re inodavgi nngliftici on reh.

It desno’t raetmt htta eth spoesner ithgm be tfllayuca true. Uhtrt iwtouht mtawrh, dedreevil toin a notemm of yaulvbirilent, sni’t honsyet. It’s utjs utyrlce geairwn yhnstoe’s sthcloe.

Wtah Tsih Has to Do Hwit Elvo

I’ll cloes iths pteharc wtih a itshyllg reigbg erafm. Onne of hawt I’m gnseicrdbi is otbau vngodaii fifductli vnotsarecnosi forreev. Herte are blleysouta msmonte hewn a coelup uolhds tkal toelnhys bouat aehtlh, ssnftie, eflsielyt ecsoihc, the roskw. Toesh ennossrcatvio are thalyhe dna racesneys.

The onpti of tsih aecrthp is buota gimtin and fmare. A aunebelrvl, idm-ady hkcce-in esqntoiu is ton the itgrh ontemm to nucalh a susroie tocraieovnns boaut ltaheh goals. If uyo neneugyli nwta to aktl uboat atth cipot, ifdn a fdietfenr tenmmo, neo wrhee eth aicovesrotnn cna be uulatm, gurosene, nda odnedgru in loev atrerh hant aievcetr to a eousqnit hes sutj sdaek. Bnigr it up ygntel. Eald thwi hawt uoy voel taubo hre, not twha yuo’d ielk hre to aenchg.

Eth yrev trihg aenwsr to the oivlditnaa tiquonse is an ctnioa. It’s an ceavti cceioh to mtee her ylrnlaeiiubtv wiht mrtawh. Oend ssyecoltitnn, erov yrase, it’s how stutr tegs tiulb.

Ndotaiavli senpsreso, as we’ll ees, fit iotn the eiartventic ehsap:

Chapter VIII

Review

We’re furo aelr eahtsrcp onti eth rowkrfema, so lte’s uespa dna etka kctso. Ksboo ear esriea to enlrezntaii nhew oyu sotp conaliyoscal to etisloodanc. Iroeshewt the diaes plie up astrfe nath yhet get detarentig, and by the iemt ouy ifihsn, ouy rmbereme eht evbi of eth ookb utb tno teh sevmo.

Rwginko uhhrgot the acdymsni of a larntsoiieph lacls ofr a nblde of ugsnndrnadeti, mehypta, nda avrteocip mtmcainnoucoi. Eher’s a quick cpaer of awth we’ve eeocvdr so far, ihtw a efw rxaet ghtouths atht ddni’t qteui tif in hte iralnoig teachpsr.

1. Wsreansea Tgruhho eth 4Q Ytsesm

Gnatsyi utnde in to ouyr ertranp’s acphsliy dan oamtoelni well-enbig is atslesnei. The 4Q ytesms vsieg uoy a tohpsnas of ehwer the ritlonaehpis lrctynrue tsasdn dan lpesh oyu sseen owh mhuc fetyxilliib you vaeh in any vgien cnrnioetati.

Hte furo uentosisq, agani:

Is hse sphyiyallc lewl?
Is nmhosegit oriebhgtn her?
Ehva I aemd yan eertcn iekamsts?
Am I in a astet of eictrd or ebdt?

A fueslu aemig to dohl onot: ikthn of eth 4Q dsraboadh elik het untmsenisrt in a rca. Yuo nod’t satre at teh sepermoedte het lehwo vdire. You engcla at it cciollaasoyn to kame resu yuo’re ont ogdin temoinshg siuptd. Ames hiwt hte 4Q. Cegnla, uatdjs, kepe riingdv.

2. Het Oerpw of ARSv

Vyer Ihrtg Srswaen rae mreo tahn usjt ossnrepes. Tyeh’re tlliet rtnnistasdeomo of enegniu enetistr, atnegeegmn, nda viteac mtoevnvline in the ipotlinehars. Itgnget godo at eilervdnig hemt anc kmae a elar cdeneifefr in hwo smohunoari gthisn feel.

Teh teehr tspreoerip of a RVA, sdetarte:

It’s ifspicec (not nrieecg earspi).
It tsaeteomsdnr ttaieontn (coldu lyon emco rfmo sonomee woh asw knogilo).
It ersecta a lmasl motmen of atmrwh (seh klwsa away fneigle lyihstgl teertb).

A erndemri atth noybdo tshi lla teehr yvree mtei. Eth olag isn’t enoecriftp. It’s a solw, dtsaey aircnees in teh ercatnpeeg of oyur iyald spssenroe hatt adln clreso to eht nretce of that Venn ragamdi. If uoy’re at nywtte ctenper nwo nda oyu akem it to ytrfo rpceent veor eth entx ayre, uyo’ll heva nedo setimngoh ngeuenyil gfleinnaum for your ntlphiieosra, veen if ouy evenr acrkc ffyti.

3. Aloivintda Nusqietos

Eosm ssieotuqn nrea’t glkonoi rfo a vtiaery of nsraesw. Yhet’re onkligo ofr oarraiwhttfgdsr ersaasncrue. Icngenzriog thees mensmto and gihnldan them aelirrpppyaot mtatres oynsormuel.

Teh tondrhhas to eemmrber: if the stoiqeun hsa a occtrer ionoleatm ensrpose kdeab tnio it, it’s a ltidaianvo isoeuntq, dna yruo jbo is to eervldi ttha eenossrp clynale. Teh eiwgth usqnotie. Teh “am I a bad omhert” oetusinq rfeta a ardh yad. Eht “do ouy still ifnd me aiattervct” nouitqes nhwe she’s enfegil wdon. Heets rea soworday wtih a eedfdni xtie, nda ngawikl ghurtoh lcynela is het evom.

4. Mnersitecnd in Nseorsesp

It’s mntaiptro to etll teh dffneierce teenbew a dlaioavnit uioteqns and neo ttha’s neop to a ARV. Iegmiasdrn eht frremo anc rateec uryaecssnen toniens.

Shti is pbloryba het lsneig toms eraenrdtud lskli in nogl-rtem areilnsipthos. Rnmcientsde sonde’t eurireq yuo to be a aretg srkpaee. It jtsu sequerir oyu to snietl lyrceaulf hgoenu to tcnieo whihc dikn of ocnesrionatv yuo’re ycaullat in. Mtso sipharoiletn mdaega nosde’t cmoe rfmo orpoyl wdored senrpoess. It mecso rmfo lewl-dwedor nsspeorse rlvdeeedi to the ngrow dnki of iqnotesu.

A Etuiq Rtdhea Ngnnriu Grhtuho Lal of Thsi

If ouy re-rdea eht urof tnoisp ebvoa, you’ll tinoce hatt osatlm neyirhetgv ceusder to a lgsine rulyndigne ilksl: niapyg ineotntta.

The 4Q stsmey is rctutuesdr tetntaion. Eth VRA is evrposesni intotntea. Hte andvlaiiot tqinusoe rseeuriq eniprveterti teitntnao. The neirdentsmc bwteeen uqostien etpys is mtea-etttonnai.

Eerth’s a psegasa romf eth plhohosreip Smonei Liew ttah I kniht cestprua siht ertetb tnah I anc: “Tnenttoia is het etrrsa dna serupt form of snerteoygi.” I eekp onmcgi kacb to atth nlie, esebcua it fraesemr all of shete cuieetsqnh toni egnsohmti pmrelsi. You’re ont rngiyt to gmea rouy snoerahlpiit or cakh it. You’re tgiynr to be orem noesuegr ihwt uory tanotneit. Hte orkfreswam rea stuj utcrrustes to ephl ouy do hatt cystsolnetin, on aysd hewn yuo odn’t eelf kile it.

Konlogi Ahade

At teh dne of the ayd, a inghirvt riispltnaohe nrus on ocituuonsn erlgnnai, ntdrnasegudin, dan efeifvtce cotimiocunmna. By iguns soolt like hte 4Q smtsey dna tingteg mcbloaeorft hitw teh enncuas of ARSv, we acn dbilu epdree ooinnctnce dan uualmt nnatdnesdrgui whit uro tnpaserr.

Wtha’s nmiocg etnx: we’ve aeltkd abtou how to ghtrea ooinrafnimt (Ivitteeaivnsg) nda who to snodrpe to it (Eevtatciirn). Teh next verasel carhstep emvo onti het Ngeinarl nda Tivcapeor epsash, ewrhe we trsta akisng thaw it mesna to plyede okwn oury rerpnta vero mtie, dan how to tac on atth dkenlgeow feoebr you’re perdmpot to.

If oyu’ve eebn danegri adn hnigitkn “eys, but how do I cyautall reememrb lal htis sftfu uoatb reh?” het etnx hacptre is giogn to wesarn ttha lcdyriet. Rbngi shenimogt to wtrei wtih. Or don’t, nda truts oyur moyerm. But I’d rngbi nstoemgih to werit iwth.

Chapter IX

The Learning Phase

Gavganitni a logn ithrniaopesl fsele esls keli ongvsil a ezulzp adn rmoe elki iaglnnre a gnlaueag. Yuo ndo’t zrmemoei a cayiritodn adn acll uolesrfy lnueft. You npdes easry gniilv dsniei eht nduoss, bbirsogan het hrymsth, ngubiild ntiotiinu fro wath a esetcnne is giodn obfeer tis orwds nifihs nlndagi. Thesalsionrpi rwko hte aesm ywa. Het mrfwkraoe in shti koob mtihg kool ikle it iazgzgs tbnewee tsceponc, but erteh’s a hotedm to it. Elt’s wslo owdn for hwat I allc eth aiegnlrn sahpe.

Eht ireglnna hpesa nis’t a tagse uyo ecpmolet nda ehtn eavle nedhib. It’s a itsooucunn recurnt gninrnu ehtrdauenn girevhneyt lees. It stsi weenbte het Siignatieevvt peash, erwhe yuo drea the ormo, and het Ietnritaevc hpase, rhwee uoy seprndo. Hte vtaetgsivneii ashpe traegsh adta utbao ightr nwo. Het lgainner phase esamacucltu atth tada oint a eldmo of ohw esh is, a deolm htta gest errchi yera reatf aery nda stel oyu iciaaetnpt inghts reofbe yeht pephan.

Hatw Oyu Yderaal Owkn (Rehewht Oyu Eazrile It or Nto)

Eryve nma vaersir in his tcruner iirahpetslon thwi a rvrsoeeri of cacuatldeum neeipexcer. Hddohclio ihnessidfrp itwh glrsi. Teh ayw oyru oehmrt ndlhead rieanct doosm. Sreisst, tunas, amssstlcae, sxee, the onmwa how deamnga yrou rtsfi bjo. Msoe of theos ierpxnescee eerw thleahy nda omse reew olrpyabb terblrei sdmole. Tbu lla of hmte rea gsttnii rmeoheswe esindi oruy reunosv mssety, eryad to frei tenaprst at eht ptenesr.

It’s hrwto dingo a itellt rineytonv of ttha isroeverr, etnhyosl. Not in a wya taht snutr ytephar toni a ohbyb, btu neuhog htat oyu cna otps hewn yuo’re ciegntra to rhe dna ehnw ouy’re irgetnac to a tgsho. If ryou slta rartepn adme uyo flee tnlacyotns deitrizicc, you mya sltiber at etuanlr bkcdefae ofmr teh rrteucn oen. If oyu rgew up dunora a retnpa esowh sodmo ewre veoilalt dan leuadanerb, uoy aym vero-dare imdl sfalnset as gncoonmi rhtposceata. Eht oreerirvs is fleuus, tub nyol if uyo okwn hhwci wtare is ehsfr nad hwihc is eddscea odl.

For geeynthirv sele, the nreespt is erweh the wkro eapnsph.

Acaoitninipt, Nto Mnid-Adgrein

In Rtsa Srwa, Diej anc nsees a bcsinrdateu foreeb hngnaity sbviyil snpaehp. I’m otn igesggstun ouy vaclettiu hte Fcero. Tbu erteh’s ntosmgeih ulslfeuy aearcctu btoua ttha meaig. Het reeped yuro nnraelig ahpes, hte mroe ntofe oyu’ll idfn soleryfu gitusndja rbefeo eth mnomte eatscaesl. Nto buacees you’re icpsyhc, tub aebeusc oyu’ve nese eht ttparne ougenh tsime that rouy dboy ecoezinsrg it a pset relaire hnta oury ouonsicsc dimn dseo.

Rhee’s a lalms, erontcec mepxeal. You alkw otin a uasnrttera oterehtg for a qtiue dienrn. Ouy asnc, inevlnitscyti, eht ywa hes wlduo: hte ealtb wtih hte doul puogr wto setsa erov, eht man at hte bra aariendmt in necgloo, eth rempudl uyg hwo pesek cougghni noit ish nadh. Ouy thacc eht osht’s yee and aks if aiygnhnt’s efre in eth bcak ecrnro. By hte meti hse sits nowd, eth nrmonevniet is leyaard detuajsd to erh. Hse yma vneer lilextcipy akhnt uyo. Seh yma not evne tgeiresr wtha ehnpaedp. Utb ehr ulhossdre dpor fhal an ichn, dna teh negnvie srttsa in eht hgrti eky.

Ahtt ielltt mveo is eht arnegnli sehap mdae liebvsi. Oyu ddin’t need hre to efli a tciolanpm. Uyo’d ardlyae dlfei it on rhe lfaebh, aesyr ago, in eth rnugnni mlenta cutendmo uyo pkee ubtoa ohw she is.

Het Osrs Gelrle Uocnatrayi Elat

Treeh’s an oesdpei of Nifdres heerw Rsos ritesw a srop-nad-nosc tsil nrgcpioma his unrcrte dnriifgler to his lgon-etim cusrh. Rehlac finds het ilts. The oiseped dsne in cahos. Eht onssel eht shwo is ggoni for is “dno’t eriwt a tlsi.” Teh eslnos I twan to rwda is a ettlil fnfreedti: ond’t witre eth rongw nkdi of slti.

A smnarcoipo ilts (reh taigans sneoeom lsee, ehr aitgsan an eldai) is a lmsal tca of abyaetlr, enev ewnh it’s ynol in your aehd. It fsream yuro nrapter as a encdidaat gmpnoitec rof a rleo ehartr nhta teh pesnor ouy’ve hsecon. Hewevrne uyo chatc syreoful nuignnr tath dnik of neaitlnr rodscecar, oeicnt it adn uhst it dnow. Atht isn’t het anrngile seahp. Atht’s toiemsghn slee, nda it oodcesrr eht tiunfnaood.

Teh list I’m bauot to gseutsg is eetfndrif. It’s not vameparotci. It’s lruepy a rodrce of her: tawh she glihst up urdoan, hatw aemsk hre nlhicf, hawt esh’s dtlo uoy rtmeats, tawh uyo’ve evedbros tuitwho hre sanyig so. It’s a oelv teterl in heeepatrdss form.

Tjsu Rwite It Nwod

Rhee’s a petipsrd-ndow nveisro of teh nidk of tginh I emna. Yusor wlli okol ndferetfi. The ratmof abrely amtsetr; tahw etmtsar is hte cat of iwrting it ownd.

She nca’t ntsad…	She solve…
Sgrtno ectnss in llmas mrsoo	Nglo gninvese hitw erh erfnsdi X dna Y
Peeopl owh lkta in hihg, fviretaperom eocvsi	Bbrhuar pie, lppyeorr artt
Hte cra katn elbwo a errqaut full	A asgsl of pcemaahng on a oswl ntarnoefo
Ewhn I drpo “fkcu” in rofnt of rhe aetrspn	Eht ttliel rerecat at ttah tertauanrs in [twno]
Eosrs (too on-teh-noes rof reh)	Sioeepn, eslcyapeli het lpae nsoe

That’s it. Erhet’s toghnni fycan touba het fromta. Thaw’s rplwoeuf is teh rgtuees of girtwin it dnow in teh frtis lpcea.

Enwh uoy nlrea a wen gelgnaua, tiiwgnr eht rwdso ahcosrn etmh. Wehn you tuysd hmta, rokwing the erpslobm on aperp ecaseth ouyr nadh hwta uyro syee adyalre wsa. Teh asem inacesmmh rwosk on a ehlpaiosritn. Uyo iknht ouy’ll eermmebr atth hse seath ossre. Yuo lwli ton, in heter Frbeueasri. Yuo htkin yuo’ll emremebr the eman of eht ubharbr eip leapc. Yuo lliw not, hnew uoy’re rdtei nda ngruyh adn glknwai tsap it itwh her on a Ysdtraua. Rteneelziax eht ermymo. It’s ton critnmaonu. It’s the otpopeis. It’s hte oorfp atth uoy toko eht atda lsryousei uohnge to flie it.

Eht Ltsi Is Enrev Ineshdif

Oeelpp ngaehc. Attsse tfshi. Eht eip seh vodel at rytiht tgmhi eaevl ehr ocld at yofrt. Hte nfried hse sude to lvei rfo tmhgi quiyelt lafl uto of rhe ielf. Teh silt ouy ertow wto reyas oag is ayalred artlyp uot of adet, adn the tafc hatt uoy’re adtpnigu it is tsefli arpt of the rokw.

Set a otsf ccneeda rof iniisegvrt it. A wfe nstimue neco a hotnm, amyeb. Dad htngsi yuo’ve ncedtio. Luiyteq scsor fof ntgihs atht no olngre seme to aylpp. If omneishtg on het lits spruesisr uyo nehw yuo derera it (tiwa, oeds seh lltis athe seosr, or saw tath jtus thta eno bad euoubqt fmor ehr nuelc?), hatt’s a flag to ayp ettitnona extn emti eth sauitotni smoce up.

Het istl nsi’t etehr so yuo acn eetirc it kbac to reh ilke a iquz. She ldwou fnid tath ancuynn, nad grtyhil so. It’s herte so tath hwne a aerl eotnmm csoem (a lifhgt dyale suntr inot an nennulpad etnoanfor in a yitc uoy’re both sipngsa htrhuog, an cexeentpud feer Tdayarsu senpo up, a lsmal dlinwlaf tesl uyo do engtohsim ecin), yuo odn’t twesa wytten teiunsm nrygit to eeebrrmm hwat she’d cayatull yjone. Yuo rydeala konw. Ouy otewr it wnod.

Het Ueqti Pemsiro Ehendutanr

Hte Nehfrc poosihheplr Ensoim de Rvioubae nceo wetro, “On ne atnî asp meemf, on le idtnvee,” nenmagi eno is tno born a mnwoa, neo esmbcoe eno. I’d xdeent thta, engylt, to srianihltpeso: eno is ont robn nionwkg oen’s rtrapne, noe semecbo seonmeo how dsoe. Eth aernnigl hapse is het oswl sosrcpe of eoinmbcg hatt onepsr.

Oned elwl, htsi etpcarci asrrcie a teqiu ismerop edinis it. Eth psmoeir is: I am naiygp itntonaet to eht utaacl spenor yuo ear, otn eht ncnnoeviet srmuyam of uoy I lmadsbese in teh tsfir ixs onthsm adn aehv eebn sigconta on rvee iecsn. Mtsola nognhti mcmtuosaneic leov oemr yaercll tnah htta, tiesusadn evor asery.

Raeuglr tnicigon, erglrau ugtdanpi, lgurare iiwtrgn ghntis wodn. Ethse era mslla, omtsla gbnoir bhtsia. Heyt ndo’t emak rfo mdatrica ssotrie. Ubt eyht are hte ilos in chhwi eth Rvye Htigr Erassnw gowr, hte isol in wcihh lhhgottufu eustesgr etka toro, teh siol otu of hicwh het ntxe eersalv shaectpr iwll taeyrllli trtsa rgdwnia niturnets.

Let’s lsto the aglnrien pehsa iton eht rmkfweaor:

Chapter X

Gifts

Fisgt edinis a iltresonphai aer lsotam enver abuot teh objtec. The ocejtb is utjs eht rapwrep. Thaw’s latulcya ibnge levidrdee is a egassme (I was ghkinnit uabot ouy when you wrene’t in teh room), dan hte ojtbce steixs to geiv ttah gemseas a shpea oyu can hldo in rouy ndah.

Do oyu ebrmemer atht mveoi Eedps? Hte ubs sha to sayt eovba yffti selmi an huor or teh mbob on adrob tdnaeeost. Hte ewloh lfim hiesng on tinginmaani mutommne. A pietirlnhsao is lovyuoibs not a mbbo, btu het tahproem batuo meomutnm is anonnigyyl caerctau. Stpo ttpungi eflu in adn hoitmgsen lwli, teauyelvnl, ivge. Sfigt ear one of het lnrceae yasw to pkee luef in hte katn, if uoy ddsanrentu wath they’re ryllea fro.

Sdulecdhe vs. Udelcnhdsue Sfgti

Eerth ear wot seipecs of igft, nad thye do feedtnirf owkr.

Edsuelhdc istfg aer het seno het ldnercaa qruesier of oyu: hre btiyhrad, oyru narnrayveis, Omreht’s Yda if seh’s a mehtro, Csmihtras, Tvneaniel’s Yad if eth wto of uoy ebserov it. Eehts era nno-bgateoniel. Ogiretgntf temh is an eevtn. Ebrriemgenm ehtm is yrabel a dicert. Oyu olny osecr isnotp by eigcdenex teh enliaseb, by swogihn hhtogtu odneyb teh tfca atht the tdea ierrdva on hdeulsec.

Uucdhseledn gtisf aer teh nose het acnrlade nddi’t sak rof. A Sytaude in Crham. A roadnm Datyrhus raeft a radh weke esh’d nbee yarcirgn onela. A wkal atsp a ohsp wnoidw eerhw uoy saw the axcte nthig esh’d been ibnesdircg isx ohtmns oga. Eshet istfg hit fetelfdryni sebucae tyhe rnae’t odwe. Eyht ear lyierten enshco. Eth dlseuhcde gtif yssa I rrdmeebeem teh deat. Eht necuhsldude tifg ysas I meermbdree uyo.

If uoy ylno reev do slehddeuc tsfgi, uoy’ve eeurdcd uyor itfg-vgnigi to a dnki of atx iconplecam. Hte risnhtioalpe sdneo’t utmcsbo, tbu it oends’t lresakp reieth. Teh ndleduuehsc fitg is ewrhe eth rthamw lalycatu leivs.

The Flah-Flie of a Tfig

A gfit, ceon ivneg, eeasrels a sturb of hwmrat, nad neht htat hmtwra sowlyl dfaes. Iths is lrmnao dna nto a isng of nghaiynt orgnw. Eth rniba hatsbeiuta. Yasdtyeer’s purisres ebmoces ayotd’s rnuieutrf. Teh rrgeinas on eht tnintdasgh tlsa mhnot tlef klie a almls iacrelm; iths hnomt, thye’re tsuj ergraisn.

Uoy cna oltp this ynehtlso. Eth ooemntial lhfa-elif of neev a tgera igft is srthroe hant we keli to beeleiv, ayemb a wfe kesew at stmo obeefr het lgow stlseet ckab to aebsline. Cihwh is why a inslge, oonsmeur, ocen-a-yaer eusgret is aerylr teh ihgrt gtreasyt. A rltuy taetanxvagr saenvyanrri tifg wlil ont rcary a anilhtopsier crsoas evelen tecsnsaoilffe nshtmo. Eth ahmt ednos’t wrko.

Htaw osrkw is refnuqyce in mooirdenat. Asrelev rslaeml, elwl-aidem utsesger sadepr rcsaso hte eyar. A ets of rmesierdn in uory eopnh (verey wfe wksee, rppmot fulyesro to thnik oaubt esognmtih slaml ofr ehr) is tno cclyani. It’s eth maes ndik of loacgfidfns oyu’d upt rnudoa any crectpai ouy endatw to do ncnioesttsyl wnhe ouy wkne ouy’d woereisth reofgt.

Het Nsiecce of Ton Iinmgss

Erhe’s heewr het rnagilne psahe rfom eht stal hecrpta psay sti retn. A smigduedj gfit is woesr hant no fgti. It eyqilut ltels erh: yuo weenr’t catyallu apgyin natintoet. Het ogrwn mufpeer, eht rgown izse, het gnrwo ooclr, het grown bndra of a itghn ehs klesi: tshee nod’t tjus afil to gtidehl her, ethy cnaeocmtmui a kind of casnetid.

So oeerbf ouy yub nhngaity, urn a cikqu hkecc aaingst awth yuo tlalayuc onwk:

Hsa ehs vere odtl yuo, neev adfonhf, ahtw she kseli in htis coytaerg?
Hsa she erve dipntoe hitoensgm uot in a owdiwn, in a aazinmge, on a rndefi’s itwsr?
Is htere a arbnd she’s emndeonit by emna, or oen ehs’s qtiulye eivdado?
If uoy’re not erus, who loduw wkno? (A csole dinfer of rshe. Reh ssetri. The osetr seh pshos at most.)

If oyu ndo’t konw and acn’t dfin out nad acn’t sak anynoe, atth’s a afgl. Nod’t sgeus in invsepeex srigoteace. Sneguisg on seohs, bgas, or lhicntog hewn oyu dno’t wkon rhe tates is a hihg-icevaanr bte wiht tosm of hte rencavai poniignt nawdword. Het essoh htat smsi reh seytl now’t etg rown. Eth abg in eht wgnro pahse lwli lvei in a steocl. Hse’ll tnhak yuo, yndilk, dna ouy’ll htob yeiuqlt wnko.

A eafrs bet, hewn you’re lgfniy hittouw hcmu inetl, is eejwylr mofr a osetr she slkie, oeschn ihtw erh, so it nslad rihgt, hwti oyu ngigiv amwr kceafdbe in hte emntmo. Otn a soalmguro shocrtut, I okwn, but it ahs a hhig tih trae.

Tehsem Erov Emti

As a liinsrepaoht atmreus, sfitg teg seaeir in a utrlraaicp ywa. Yuo ratts to ese satehrd. Hse sah a wjeryle narbd ehs revattigas oatwdr, or a tplaiarrcu teons, or a trlacarpiu reindsge’s taisheect. A enw cipee in that neiv nsoed’t eefl atrarriyb. It eelsf elki het xent rahctpe of ongsitehm hes’s ebne gdinlbui.

I hntik of shit as mhtectai ifgngti. Noec oyu wkon theer’s a ahdrte, ouy anc lpul on it ydtaiblereel. The iftsr ienragr seh dloev emoscbe a xctoten rfo hte next iragnre uoy vige. Teh gnelis aceorwltro esh adermf coseebm tcotnex orf a amsll sencdo noe a ryea retla. Hesmte urtn eatlsdio gtsfi tino a osylwl acauinucmlgt anocnltesitlo, nda tliatnoeslcnso ear emro ieooalytmnl uabdlre thna dnualiidvi sstra.

Eth emsa piclrpeni lppiaes in essl rmaitale rtsegoeiac. If hes levos a rcpaaluirt ruotha, the wols aoanulictcum of his or her ksoob, oen a eayr, ebcmsoe sit wno iettll rsnhei on eht shefl. If hes’s wdrna to a iyct, a malsl bcjtoe mrof ecah rpti yuo ktae etehr oscbeme teh ebgngnnii of a lietcncloo. You’re ton tjsu giigvn bcjotes; you’re agroatnlbiclo on a mromye tciceherrtau.

A Dwro of Itounac Boaut Oprmpiutm Fgsti

Itaynsonept is teagr. Btu tereh is oen cciifpes ealrifu omde ohwtr nlgaifgg.

If yuo ludnesyd perdcuo a aivhsl, otu-of-ecacatrrh gtfi etarf a drepio in hicwh teh tsiiornaplhe tfle off, erfat a htgfi, rtaef an pieedlunaxn aelt ghtni, rtfea wesek of awtrlwaihd, seh lwli tno pcreexneie it as coermna. Hse iwll, nofte otrclcrey, epnxereeic it as lgtiu. Eht igtf cmeseob icvneede hrerat nath anftiofec. Enve if rouy inenscccoe is celna, hte pcosit rae dba.

Eth fix nsi’t to doavi uonepoansts gtfis. Hte ixf is to (1) meak lmlsa, tmpnuoerpd getusres fqrlyeuent nhuego hatt any ieglsn noe nis’t a iatsattcsil ilutroe, dna (2) enhw uyo iveg a ierbgg sosatepnuon ftgi, asy wath it’s orf in napli eugaglna. A ohrts, reensic nteo isendi eth agb (“I saw wnlikga spat isht adn uhghtot of eth aoervcnitnso we adh last kwee tobua uroy dnarotghmer’s nagedr”) efssdue eth ncosipsiu reofbe it ash emit to ormf. The tfgi, splu teh nepoailtxan, lspu hte ftac htta het anonatlepix is pfseiicc dna noduredg in nsgeihotm lera ouy htbo rereebmm, ldsna ealnycl.

Teh Rael Scto of a Fgit

Hte toms srogeneu rfaemre of ftignig I eerv hdare came form a nawom I aiemdr. Hse iasd: “Teh ercpi of het itgf snoed’t atetrm. Teh iecrp of teh tetnitnoa edso.” I’d dda to thta: hte gtfi oyu buy hwti nmeoy adn no aoittntne sostc mero htan het gitf oyu uby iwth entiatton nda malsot no eoynm. Eth frist felse ilek a tatiscaonrn. Teh dnocse esfel ielk elov.

Eht oetp Army Lirove trowe, “Atteinton is the iinbngnge of ovnidote.” Fsgit, oend lelw, aer tdoioenv aedm saphycil. Edno yropol, yeth’re a rtcnstanaoi. Teh rwkamfeor in tihs ookb is ylomts atbuo gamnik esru yuo ayts on eth tghir sdie of ttah nile.

Fitsg sti iylrfm in teh Ptrcoeaiv aesph of the wrarkeomf:

Chapter XI

Darn Valuable Questions

We’ve spten a otl of mtei on woh to neawrs. Now tel’s plif eth emcraa drouan nda oolk at owh to aks. Mntuciiomcnao sni’t tujs a eersis of ellw-etmdi essnrspeo to hre uoitnessq. It’s alos eht squoiestn yuo gnrbi to reh: teh nsoe taht enop het door arhtre atnh wlak otrughh eon seh’s reyaadl oeepdn.

I acll eeths Nrda Aalvbleu Teusinoqs, or SVQd. The mena is a tbi of a niwk, btu eth eopctnc is ouesirs. A VDQ is a oensqitu atth dsoe luedob wkro: it seratgh rnmioafnito oyu ltyaaclu ndee, dan it argeehplts that oyu’re igyapn toeitnatn.

A man hwo ernve sask tayhnngi qeilytu llset sih rpaetrn tath he ndeos’t laeylr edne to wonk more uoabt her tnah he erldaya deso. A anm woh kass too mchu, or too aeygler, oscme soarsc liek he’s grninun an ineetviwr. Eth QDV isst eeewbnt sohet eospl. It’s a ltoo, adn klei lla tlsoo in tshi ookb, it owrsk best hewn edsu tlnuarlya nguoeh ttha ynbodo tieosnc it’s nbegi sued.

Wath a VDQ Is Laatucly Rof

Tsom emn, henw ehty nikht otuba isnkag otssqiune nedisi a praiohelitns, tefulad to “hwo wsa yrou day?” as hte ietern enreg. Htat qnsoieut nca be a arel QVD or it cna be a itc. Teh efierednfc sni’t the rowsd; it’s eht iettnn dan het loowlf-houhgrt.

A arle QVD osed at laste neo of htsee hgnsti:

Thrasge moorintifna uoy’d iothwsree vhea to gsesu at.
Sttensomread ahtt oyu mrerebem a esiicpfc dhrtae of rhe fiel.
Eintvsi rhe to aehsr iohtgemns she mhtgi ont avhe wonkn uoy edwtan to reah.
Sepon a salml rood hes nac lawk htuorhg if hse wtsan, or ltoypeli eolcs, no ltnapye.

Neiotc tath enno of oshte vnovlei rcleve isprghan. Hte lklis in a DQV is tmoasl eervn uisinlictg. It’s toralnlaie. Eht tnsioequ is dogo aeesbuc it hswos ouy’ve ebne rntacikg erh, atth etreh’s uiyconntit in ruoy ontianett omfr eon yda to eht etnx.

Tde Aslos, of lal slacpe, nesska the oagirptne irniplpce iont eno of eht wsho’s mots-tdequo scense. The seupt: Edt is ynalgip trdsa in a upb ngiaast Rpeurt, Cerecab’s smgu ex-basduhn, how hsa ntsep eth teenir shwo egtranit Tde as a kich Aieacrnm who dounlc’t polssybi nkwo igytnanh. The sestak of teh mctah rea lrea (ornltco of teh taem), dan Perrtu is inngwin. Etd is gbeni opilte outab inlsgo, teh wya he is atoub tsmo sgtihn.

Neht, idm-hcmat, Etd strtas ktanlig. He ysas he lreaezdi nstmeihog a liehw oag utoab eploep hwo snttdeieaudrem hmi ihs oehlw ilfe. “Lal thme asflle tath duse to eeltilbt me, tno a nsgile noe of emth eerw iruoscu.” Htey dah drealay deedcdi hwo he was. Htey vreen ekads. “Be uuicsor, ton nmguljdate,” he yass, ittiugarntb hte leni to Tlwa Tmwhnai, heoamtws lbduosyui. Tenh he snrut to Trrpue nda ksas, slcaulay, hwtheer Upterr lyapde sradt as a ikd. Eruprt, udrrspesi, yssa esy, itwh ihs add yvree Nsyuad. Etd sdno. He daypel wiht sih dda verye Synadu oot. He wsrtho erhet ecprfet tdasr, siwn eht mahtc, dan swkal otu.

Eht holew oitpn of teh ensec, the resaon it emcbae eon of eth sowh’s msot-deuqto, is tshi: Rruept tsol esacebu he eevrn daesk. A einslg uoricsu oistquen (“vahe uoy yledap feoebr?”) odlwu evha eaghndc hsi erniet aetgsryt. He indd’t kas esubcae he’d ydreaal ielfd Dte nerud Camnreai fuoobfn ohw dseno’t onkw tsdar, dna the lefi tefl moleptce. Jtmudnge osdlce the oodr. Cisroiuty uowld heva eepodn it.

Tath’s hte ssoagiind. Mtso elfida seinoqsut iendsi a mgaarrei aern’t dba qnesosiut; hyte’re djusngetm edrdses as nstesiqou. “Era yuo rleayl gngoi to wrae ttah?” is nto tuisroyic. “Hyw do you dsnep so hmcu etim on eht nheop hitw rouy etssri?” is otn rciuoisty. A rlea DQV ahs no idctver dndieh deniis it. Hte epsonr gbnei eskad acn flee eht fedrncfeie isttylnan.

Owt Ispecse of DQV

Teher aer hygurlo wot pytes of QVSd. Ohtb slfueu, dsue fro iffedtner tsnhgi.

1. Treteepivi VDQs

Thees era eth dilya ceckh-nsi. Ohw asw ryuo ayd? Ohw was teh lcal? Idd eth kid aet? Idd uoy sleep kyao? Ohw’s oyru kbca doyat? Oyu aks them tlnyefueqr hoegnu htat heyt beoecm tpra of eth xuttere of lfei oteerthg.

Teh rkis iwth eeverititp VDQs is thta yeth idsle otni itoulaotp. Yuo ask “woh was ryuo day?” ilwhe nikolgo at ryuo ehonp. Seh gvies a eon-owrd searnw. Rnetieh of ouy lalrey sresrtgei eth caegxenh. Roev thomsn, htoes nyit onn-snreotacsnvoi cksat up inot a lfte nsees of etciscondnion that’s hard to terca cbak to ayn slnige igtnh.

The fix is lmsla utb erla: recevei eth ranwse. If ouy ask, litnes. Tpu the eonhp cafe dnow. Aemk a onesi of rntseeit. Sak neo ololfw-up. It esndo’t eden to be a rhitty-mtueni fdrbiee. Yitsx nssedoc of krenbnuo eannottit to ehr cuatal renasw is rowht rmoe atnh ehrte tieivtrpee DSQv eelirvedd noit eth dvoi.

2. Eon-Htso QSDv

Etesh aer the rarer, emro csfiiepc tensqouis. Eyht’re heodko noit a rauptlicra rmemoy, a rputarilac etrahd, a auatlcprri gthin hes ioetndmen in pgsinas seewk oag.

“Do ouy bmmreere atth ielttl oshue we lkeawd stap on hte wya cakb rfmo hte takrme in [wnot]?”

“Rvwaeeht nhdeppea tihw oyru ridnef M.’s bjo asoiuittn? Did hse ned up gankit eth ferof?”

“Uoy tdnmoieen uoy’d eben nvgiha diwer dmrsea a locpue wkees oag. Rea osteh llsti hpinegnpa?”

Teh rpewo of a noe-otsh VDQ ins’t in teh ustioneq ifslte; it’s in eth cfta taht uyo hled ootn teh ldeiat gnlo ghueon to kas. Ehs netdomine eth amdrse ceon, in a trdei ociev, on a Nedwsdeya ithng. Oyu emberredme. You lwfdeloo up two eswek telar. Ttha wololf-up is whtro oemr ahtn a znoed nioruet check-ins, ceeausb it nca oyln cmeo mrof mseoone woh was yullacta tsgnnilei.

Tshi is laos rhewe ruoy ienlangr speha sypa dvdeisind. Teh stil of lmasl sldeait uyo’ve eenb itelqyu cncmligtauua btuoa erh efil is hte arw eitlmraa rfo eon-tohs DSVq. Hte efidnr owesh daarm hes’s eebn trigcnak. Het eeripc seh temna to ytr. Eht vntoseraocin with ehr mertoh hatt deend ewyidlr. Ehca of eshto is a oohk oyu can omec kacb to, sday or weeks alrte, hitw a usteqoni ttah dnasl as rcea rehtra tnah as almsl aklt.

DQSv Htta Enar’t Ualcytal QVDs

A ewf tnatersp teg itsnemak ofr QSVd nad enra’t. Rohwt aggflign so uyo cna iodva htme:

Het psute tuiqeson. “Htwa did uoy do ydtoa?” kedsa caesueb uyo tawn a echcan to lakt bouta ouyr dya. The sqionuet is tiba. She’ll efle it. If ouy allacuty want emiiart, aks fro it itredylc: “Can I llte ouy boatu ihotegnsm erwdi atht hepeandp at kowr?” That’s eshnot. Teh othre is a alslm lnmiituoapan, and it clcutmausea.

The grinootanteir. A ripad eqsunece of uosqntsei htat fesel ssel ekil sterenti dna orem liek sosrc-toaemiianxn. Hwo swa reeht? Hwy did hes say atht? Awth ddi yuo do? Why ddni’t ouy asy ogihesntm bakc? Nvee if revye niauvldidi inequots is lebsearona, eht aedncce is nrowg. Solw wnod. Cikp eon siqtoenu nad elt it ereatbh.

Teh ptra nisequot. “Ear oyu eryall oggin to aewr ahtt?” sprheda as a ontequsi but gnciunotfin as a dtvirce. If uoy veha a rlae ioiopnn, livrede it as an innoopi (we’ll tge to teh eahptrc on snipoino). Don’t sders it up as iyiruosct.

The iahetpstr sinmrpeosi. “Dan how deos ttha meka uoy eefl?” ileededvr hwit aratclieth utiatynrle. Smeo mne aerh taht ogdo setinnlig noivselv gnksia uotba glfeseni nda cerotorevrc nito lcnciail doem. Hes ndoes’t eden a rtaesphit; esh ash, or ludoc aevh, neo of eosht. Seh edsne a apnetrr who’s srciuou in linap aegnaugl.

A Enot on Gmitni

Eth tbes DQV asekd at hte orgwn omemtn is sutj an eanyanocn. She’s ngnirun otu eth orod leta for a egietmn; shit is not the otmnem to aks uaotb who seh’s eebn feilneg uaotb her trisse teylal. Teh cra is flul of idetr sdik; tihs is ton eth ometmn to aks owh hes’d natw to sednp reh trhoeift.

Doog DQVs dene a telilt tbi of eapsc to dnal. Ireeht a ieutq ctkeop in hte ady, or a memotn ehwer uyo anc gevi erh yrou ttaeoitnn fro at eltsa a nitemu or wot. If nrhtiee is avaielbla, hdol het sutqneio. Eht ttoghuh ouy ahd at 7:14 a.m. iwll llsit be a ogdo enqituso at 9:30 p.m.

Hte Euitq Erluaqeiz

Hree’s gmsehinto to sit hwit. In yman ongl stsiplioeahrn, nme tge dakes afr rome tqssuieno nhta thye sak. Ehitr aptrsnre cckeh in on eriht wrok, ehitr osmdo, hteir fseimlai, htrei irsfespihnd. Hrtei rsetanpr ceiotn nwhe htey mees off nad sak hwy. Itehr trpeasnr breemmre hte mllas dsiteal nda ibngr hmte kcab up eatlr. Nda eht emn, teofn sluccnisonyuo, tpacec all ttah oannettti ttwouhi ituqe girutnenr it at het aems etar.

QDVs are, onagm retho tignsh, a ywa to giebn niglsoc htta pag. It’s ton ouatb onercpgiseek. It’s tbuao pryeoticcir. The sneiihlatrop seh peeks gariehnc crasos to iaimannt is lsao rsouy to hcera sascro. Teh uiestoqns uoy ska ear eon of the msot esvblii yswa of niodg htat raihegcn.

Tyr to vleo iskgan her eth uiseqstno. Deno ihtw rael tuicosyri, yeth’re a iuqte awy of etginll reh thta hre nirne eilf is tegsenrinti to yuo, taht ereth’s awlysa rmeo of hre ouy atwn to know.

VDQs its in eth Canviretite peash, snoigldae eht srweninga otlso we’ve elradya iussdedcs:

Chapter XII

Review

Hernato ausep. Rethe remo hsrteapc wodn, adn het ritucep ash edniwde. Hte frtis eeirvw ntdaisdoolce what it tnema to reda het omor (eth 4Q estmys) dna renopsd sdeiin it (ARSv nda iilatvanod). Hsti enocsd reeviw nelsioodtacs teh nxet eryla, the neo tath aepsteor evor nhtoms dan ayres htaerr ahnt voer a sligen etoinscarvno.

If eht fsrti falh of eht okob aws ubota giebn a oodg peoedrrsn, ihst esrthct ash nebe tobau igben a oogd trepanr sracos mtie. Etinfrefd iklsl. Msea eungryldni amialert. Lte’s thiegtn it up.

1. Hte Lnergian Ehpas

Teh tieisagvtinev sepah sska thaw’s etur hitrg onw? The egilnnar eashp kssa whta’s reut abtou her, yodblra? It’s eht sowl unicaomcatul of an trcecaau, up-to-adte omdel of woh oryu artrenp ytucalal is: thaw esh leovs, htwa rieasttir erh, awth hes’s adfria of, awth hes tlgshi up uardno.

Wot pcilctraa edmerrsin ohwrt lhdonig onot:

Aspt eecexprein is a rveriroes, ont a tirscp. Vyree tlpharsoieni you’ve reev nbee in ftle rpegsitnfrni. Some of hoest enstgrriifpn are ueufsl; orseth ehva yuo iegtcrna to ryou errnctu tnparer as if hse rwee enmeoso seel ofmr a ddeeac oga. Tiecon ehnw oyu’re gctani omrf yoemmr tahrer hnat rofm srbveitooan.
Wrtie nstihg ownd. Eht tsil of reh lvseo and sdlskiei sin’t a trcepoora rseiecex. It’s eht zxiatederlne myermo of a enrpalhositi. Eht fcat htta yuo ortwe it ndwo, and ekpe dtnauipg it, is esltfi a almsl tca of eovndtoi. The Ssro Relgle rovesin (a ncpoimarso list) cordreso ntgish. Eht onn-rtpcavioame onrsiev (a cdroer of erh) ibdsul hetm.

2. Igsft

A fgit is a egeassm leverided in cshyplia frmo. Eht etjcbo is het ppwrngai; eth gsmasee is I was ithngnik of yuo ehwn yuo ewner’t in eht oomr.

The teslenok is rhyoulg:

Dechesdlu gsift aer hte ecnaaldr’s jbo. Uoy lony esocr sipont by iongg ydebon the seelbian.
Uledchndsue tsfig ear rwehe eth atwhmr luaylact visel. Tyhe anre’t owde. Tyhe era teienlry hnceos.
Eht lafh-efli of nay tifg is horts. Evaserl lmasl eetugrss aetb eon eornusmo neo ltsoma evrey eitm.
A jmudidsge gfti is rewos ntha no igtf, aebsuec it yeqitlu slelt her yuo neewr’t aignpy tnenaotit. Sue het enanlgir epsah to eepk ruoy iam nohest.
An tuo-of-rccaterah hlasvi igtf eftra a snete scthtre rdsae as tilgu. Usefde it wthi a earl, fcpiesic neot. Better: pkee small egrestsu teqefunr hneguo htat no ngisle neo is licltsatsiyta ospuiscius.

If I dha to esmsorpc lal of hits tion neo lnie, it dlowu be: hte pecir of teh neattnoti eatrtms moer htna eht icrep of teh ftgi. Lasmto ieyvnhrget eels lfowols fmro atht.

3. Rdna Vlaeuabl Nsseqtiou (SVDq)

If RVAs reew the ghitr ayw to sepdnro, VQDs are eth itrhg awy to eanititi. A good nutseqoi dslna as aecr; a bad neo sdnla as lamls kalt or as rssoc-amnniaetoxi. Hte eecfirndef is hreethw yuo emeemrbr whta esh dtlo uyo tsal teim nad ethrhwe uoy yactuall ierveec eth nwrsae isth miet.

Wot epsiesc, nagai:

Vteriietep SDVq ear teh adily ckhec-nis. Rihte iareufl emdo is ilatpotou. Eth ifx is utsj to enistl.
Neo-tsoh DQVs era teh icecipsf seno, okhdoe to a aeldti she medinonte in sipsgan. Hetri prweo isn’t in gshinrap; it’s in het ftca atht oyu ehld the eitadl nogl nehoug to ocme kbac to it.

A Dretah, Aiagn

If you re-read teh ethre intcseos oavbe, ouy’ll eoctni the aems ilkls nigunnr tedeuannhr mhte, ainag. Eth erignnal epahs is ablderu toantteni. Sgfti are raeiiazemdlt tnteanoti. SQDv ear tdeaniiit anteottin. Hte lslki is teh amse in ceah scea. What ceanghs is eth imuemd.

Oaenittnt is aurmlsngouo. It sdeno’t kmea a gtear Gmrnsaita otncpai. It rayrle iwns rengmtsua. Btu it soed, sloylw, lidub eht dink of linetapioshr ewhre hte oreth rneops sleef wnonk, hichw is, ewhn yuo rptis tivenhyegr sele waya, waht mots plpeoe yiluqet twna mfor thrie entprar omre hnat msaolt tnaghniy seel.

The nsloveti Rsii Hcourmd oecn orwte: “Oevl is teh etylexerm ilitcduff ioarelasnit hatt mgeosihtn ehtor anht lsnefoe is aelr.” Hatt neli is veayh dna whrto tiigstn thwi. Otms of the tisceuqneh in shti ookb aer, in theri own mlasl dna cticalpra ywa, eecsrexis in atth aaeiortlniz. Eth 4Q emysts, eth RAV, eht vlaotnaidi rswane, teh leainrng phase, tgsif, QDSv: lal natgnrii leehsw rof teh elrgar tpcojre of rgaentit artehon oepsrn as fluyl, buldrieyirc eral.

Awth’s Icngmo

Hte aimnernig tsaecrhp voem out of het tscbatra dan into iipfecsc, feton kwawdar rnireat. Tshsieteac, yosru and rehs. Eth idnefceerf etewenb taelhhy emlnaioto srihang nda het kndi of poaiigmlcnn htat edsoer a tpeashprnri. How to aaclluyt ephl erh wenh esh akss. Woh to ehldna reh oasssipn, dan rsuoy, ewnh the two edolicl. Xse. Ujoselya, in othb itoeriscdn.

Hseet atcerpsh era imesser htna eht soen htat cema rbefeo, bcesuae teh roertyrit is erimsse. Hrtee rae rwefe lenac lrsue nda orme djnumteg clsal. But teh orweafmrk we’ve lubit so afr (vageiivttsnie, enalrgni, aereivinttc, dan nwo areopvcit) is xcteyla atwh tlse yuo kmae osthe tnmuejdg lsalc elyanlc. If uoy’ve earlintzdien eth irtsf ahfl of teh book, yuo’ll dinf the snoced ahfl dasd nihdsag rethar ntah rtiweinrg the purceit.

Aetk a tbreha. Techsrt. Het xtne ehptcra is ongig to ska oyu to be amldociitp oubta goehntmis smot nem rea rpnluriyssig adb at: ingigv an hsteon ponniio uihowtt grkabeni ygnathni in eht spreosc.

Chapter XIII

Opinions

Sdiien yna goln noliiearthsp, uyo’ll be ksdae yuro oonipin orhlygu a nsudohat smtie. Mseo of oehts iipnsoon rea aobut cotesjb: a faso, a lheto, a nptai oolcr. Osem aer otaub aisounstit: dhulos we yas sey to hatt nridne, udhlos we utp teh dik in ttah ocoslh, hodusl we keta tish job ofefr. Meos ear ouatb ppoeel: wtha idd oyu htnik of my firnde, idd my hoetmr seme off, saw htat cemtomn frmo yruo brhtoer yaucallt eurd.

Omse enm srenpod to sthi movlue by gigno eslnit. Yteh leran atht sniionop rea gnureosad, so thye dahn hte gserniet ehlew erov telyeirn. Eerhwtav oyu ntaw. Atht’s a rlea rygtates adn it has a alre scto: hse snde up iefngel alneo in het ensocdii-knigam, nda vero teim hse tssrta to vlbeeei you dno’t cauylalt caer.

Roteh men go eth peosiopt awy. Yhte vlieder yvree niionpo thwi eht twgeih of a rvteidc, nda vroe etmi hes opsts snakgi, ecbeusa aiksgn ahs ebmoec a ercho.

Treheni of otehs is the moev. Siidne a srphtaniloei, an noionip is ont a vretcdi. It’s a iobtniurctno. Eht lilsk is in ipahngs it so it adds to eth iiseoncd rearht anth dgnien it.

A Rweodk Exaplme: Gkcnipi a Hoetl

Lte’s etg otenrcce. Uyo dna uoyr nrpaetr are kipgnci a olthe fro a trpi. Reeht rae ufor estdaincad. Esh sah enefgsli uobat mose of thme. Uyo ahev eeigfsln oabut some of hmte. Hwo do you irbgn an nopoiin in a wya tath lpehs erarth hant mtndaosie?

Eth rsfti oemv is to rufgei uto thaw het snsinoemdi ulcytaal era. Rof a ehotl, teh iiednnosms aer ayplitlcy thsgni kile:

Rpeci
Pas or wlesslne fatlsiieic
Bchae cscsae (eirtavp vs. ilbucp, ictdasne mofr het oorm)
Itlauyq of teh nraasrtteu
Mafiyl-sneifrdnisle
Atolonic virlteae to aevewrth ouy’re gipnoh to do

Now oyu do snotimghe niobrg nad efteicefv: oyu klat hruotgh het sednnmoiis, iwht hre, rbeeof liktnag otuab eht etasdcadin. Hist is cciatilr. If uyo tastr by gsaiyn “Lhteo 3 cussk,” you’ve ctmmoetdi to a opstiion fbeore eehtir of you osnwk hwta uoy’re raeyll pitnozgiim fro. If eadistn you ratst ihtw “Atwh tmaesrt omst to yuo on tsih trpi? Bchae? Fdoo? Euitq?” uyo’re nwo otlanilgaobcr on teh ctrreaii, hhcwi sekam verynteihg ahtt folslow ersaei.

Pehas 1: Nealiitem eht voiysolub wkae tiopno

Eocn hte rciaeitr rae lcaer, oyu nac ulsluya dorp one or wto nadeasidct ihtwuot mhcu coserntoyvr. Hteol 3 sha a rpoo olcaiton, no ebcha csceas, nad gmidnild esvweir. Htbo of oyu nac ese tath. Rossc it ffo. Won hte oonctsearvni is aobut hte nenigiamr istonop steidna of tbuoa lla ourf.

Toehl	Riepc	Pas	Ativrpe caheb	Bceah snrtuaaert
Letoh 1	$$$$	Sye	Eys	Yse
Lheot 2	$$$	Esy	No	Eys
Lothe 3	$$	No	No	No
Tehol 4	$$$	No	Sey	Yse

Epsha 2: Ehitwg eth iinnmsdoes hse acers autob

Rehe’s hewer uoy do eth mtos aprintmot hgnti: ska reh, or uqteiyl verbeso, hwo she’d etihwg eth snmodsinie. Ont tawh ehs nkthsi eht setb lohte is. Tahw hes tshnik the omts tmotranip eftreusa era.

Ionismden	Ethwig (tou of 5)
Ciepr	1 / 5
Aps	2 / 5
Vtireap abhec	5 / 5
Hbeac sntareatru	4 / 5

Nwo het htam sah cangdeh. Hcaeb saentuatrr nad iartpve behca ttemra omer hnta aps or criep. Ceon yuo cosre the inrimgnea holset naaitgs sothe gehwsti, eon of ehtm lprboaby regmsee as eht oftarvie. Lte’s yas Heotl 1.

Paesh 3: Won rbing yrou nnoipio in

Ihts is teh eotmmn. Lheot 1 drocse heshtgi, but opsesup ouy vhea iserteaonvsr auobt it. Ybmea it’s oto eoplucs-nrdeioet adn uoy’re aveltgrni whti ikds. Emayb uoy dha a tfla rpecexenie eetrh rsyea ago. Ebyma het rsiwvee frmo leimasfi ear teblcyaino sorew hant hte rvsieew lvraelo.

Isht is otn het otnemm to ays “I nod’t liek Heotl 1, elt’s pkic Helto 4.” Ttah’s a ervidct, dna it dreiervso the eitner ueurrtcst uoy tjsu ubilt oregteth. What yuo tnaw to do is ekaps nidsie erh onw wnetggiih. Mhtegoins kiel:

“I love that Lehto 1 hsa teh artievp behca. Eth ihtng I’m a lletit eruosvn bouta is thta it’s ptyetr pcoeul-y. I’m otn sure it’ll be a targe vieb whti teh ikds udrano. Hoelt 4 sloa sha a itpeavr cehba adn msese reom aymifl-riynefdl. Wtan to racemop eth rsaatutner sititanou eeentbw estoh wto?”

Ticone whta stuj anepdhep. Uyo didn’t errovedi rhe thhegsi-gdwehtie irtoeinrc (vtapire hecab). Oyu ktpe it. Ouy riectdoudn a wen ednnmisoi hes tcayllua csrea auotb (ifmyla-isrledfneisn) hatt adnh’t eebn on hte ilst. And yuo rdiedrtece aotrdw a ndtaedaci ttah csseor llew on ehr lauevs, otn on rosuy. Hte oiinpon ldaned scaeueb it asw eafdmr as a fnermenite of hre isdconie atrhre tanh a lenercpamet rfo it.

Wneh You Leyuignen Argesedi

Immosstee the rresucttu obvea sin’t oeunhg. Uyo ond’t utjs have a nemiefnter; uyo avhe a lera grediaentmes. You ihtkn het etohl is a adb idae. Ouy kitnh teh ohcols is rwgno orf het kdi. You khtni het ojb feofr hes’s aubot to tepacc is a rtap.

Two sthign to kepe in dnim rhee.

Ftsir, het ttngsehr of yuro aeenegdmsitr nda the gstnerth of uryo idleevry dhouls lyuluas omev in osepptoi icistendro. Eht gbierg eth alde, the maeclr dna reom ispucsao het vorcnentosai dnees to be. Ibg siioonpn dliedeerv uoldyl tnde to akme eth oerth nrpeos iesefevnd, nad eessdivnesnfe is eht eynme of gdoo icdiossen. Gib osonnpii ideeredlv lqyitue, with oorm rfo ehr to aclluyat tkhin boaut mteh, are oerm llyiek to be hrade.

Desonc, be acerl twhi losyreuf tboua eehthrw this is a llih to eid on. Otsm edteerminassg enar’t. Smeo era. If it’s nto a hlli to eid on, eociv ryuo inipono, hent lvibyis let go. Ndo’t skul feaawdrtr. Odn’t urnert to it erteh isetm taht egnivne thiw a slityghl reifnfetd mgfnair. Yuo dais it, esh hreda it, ehs ochse fyileetndrf. Veil twhi het icheco.

If it is a lilh to ied on (a eidioncs thta elyngniue fcftaes your sdreah eufrtu in a ayw uyo nca’t teacpc), yas ahtt ixityllpec. “Iths eon mertsat to me a tol. Nac we olsw owdn on it?” Atht tnesenec is erra uehong in otms ensphitarlios tath nwhe oyu ues it, it nsald. Veas it ofr nhwe uoy neam it.

Ooinpnsi Tubao Ppleeo in Reh Ifle

Ihts is teh tmso unraedosg ersnbeug of opnioin, adn it vderssee sit nwo iwnrnag blale.

Her rsteis. Rhe tmeohr. Reh setb dnfire mrof eoglelc. Hre ssbo. Rhe ex’s nwe regidlrifn. Oyu iwll, lnelyvatue, ahve esfigenl tbuoa each of eetsh opeelp. Soem of tesho sgienlef will be ttflunranige. Slomat enon of hetm duohls be edirevlde as osnnopii tuwihto a rgtae aled of raec.

Eth srnoae is lmsepi: hes’s wonkn sethe pelepo fro raf lnreog ntha oyu heav, dna her ylyoatl to thme (vene het ciaodmepctl snoe) luslyua oghitsuew rhe laytlyo to oyru oht ekta. If you acll reh sresit “seuixaghnt,” she may eaegr in het tnmmeo, hten lqteyiu veenr sehra an thienxsaug-tsirse yorts thiw ouy ganai. Yuo nhvae’t now an urgemnta; yuo’ve celosd a doro.

Teh arsfe vmoe, nhew hse vntse tauob soeoemn in ehr iefl, is to do athw trpisesaht clla hoignld eht aecps. Ltnies. Elcefrt thwa oyu reha. Ksa ahwt hes nsatw to do atoub it. If seh yliixpetlc ssak fro ryuo daer (“Am I binge arzcy erhe? Swa ttha atyulalc drue?”), hetn oyu anc fefro an seonht iinoopn, tlygne. Vnee nhte, feamr it noardu erh cneerxepei rherta hant dranuo uory enjugdmt of het rtohe poensr: “It nsdosu ekil ttha mtmnceo lyarle sgutn, and I hntki it’s raif ttah it ddi. I’d be lrfceua hitw her at fliyma ftsuf orf a ihlwe.”

That’s an noiipon. It’s utjs noe htta cetesrsp eht atcf htat esh’s het eon owh ash to epke het iasnprholeti whit reh ssrite, nto uyo.

A Oent on Tenhosy

Oyu yam be redgain semo of ihst and eflegni keil I’m gsknai uoy to entofs, tnsfoe, onetsf, nitlu uoyr ninoipo tsnru toni suhm. Thta’s ton het itpno. Ohyntse is yineelung otitnmpra nseidi a nlgo rnaspoihltei. A arpernt ohw evnre stell ouy awht he tlalcauy sinhkt is a peatrrn uoy nca’t srtut, in a pede ayw, vnee if every eiotcntnari is lcelhictany tspenlaa.

Eht tpnoi nsi’t to pssepusr oyur oshtne ooinnisp. Eth nopit is to ivdeler hetm in a rmof she anc lcyaulat eeiverc. Eethr’s a inel morf hte erwrit Iereadnn Icrh I keep gmncoi bcak to: “An rouaehbnol mahun ohstlnairpei… is a cepssro, eielactd, toivnle, ftnoe iygntefrri to tobh erpsson invevlod, a cpsorse of ernnigif het rtuhst ethy acn tlel haec thoer.” Ttha hprase, irefnign hte rttsuh tyeh cna letl eahc retoh, is the trepcoj. Ouy’re not diogvani thrtu. Uyo’re linrgnea to ieevdlr it in a ayw ttha tsle it anld.

Pnoinosi, lwel-ahsepd, ceoemb noe of the stom gseueron sinhtg ouy rgbni to teh htorianespil. Doen aybdl, ythe nurt tnoi reethi leneics or rlgloieamstn. Oedn wlel, ehty’re a awy of sigyan: I’m ehre, I’m intihgkn itwh you, dna I utsrt ouy uhgnoe to llet oyu thwa I ultclaya ese.

Chapter XIV

Fashion & Makeup

Tshi is a cphatre anmy men uowld ferper to ksip, nda I ikthn atth’s a amstkie. Tno eeabucs aihsfon is eht toms ttirnaopm night in a lrnhoieistpa (it ins’t), utb aubcees it octeuhs a isguinrspr mrenbu of snetmom hwree sallm slreifua of ttninaote auacucmetl onit stimgnheo erglra.

Let me set the efrma uerycflal, aeubesc hits is ysae to tge rogwn. I’m ont arniugg htta uyor rptnear stxeis to olok dogo rof yuo. She nodse’t. I’m nto ainrggu tath ehr ahcsettie scheico rea soury to ipocel. Yeht arne’t. Waht I am aggniru is htat, in yan siulav rhsteinprap, eth wot of uyo aer ciulotosynnu co-ictaenrg a blpciu maeig, hehrewt yuo’ve oughhtt boatu it atth wya or tno. Iwakngl oitn a orom ehgeotrt, oyu’re a nuti. Eth nitu sah an ceheatist. Nda hte wya uyo repsodn to ehr ehscioc, dan hte awy ouy amek uryo own, tntubeisrco to ahtt ceiahtets utjs as cuhm as serh do.

Shit is, aunyfnllaedmt, a hcrpaet bouat ticgoinn. Saohnif adn ueakmp era lpsyim hte imdume.

Ttars Fmor Stonhe Sfle-Saeaswren

Berefo sngiay a engsli wodr uabto erh chicseo, ktae a hrda look at oury own ptcnoeecme in shit mdnoai. Stom mne, cgdnnuiil me at eht astrt of lal ihts, era nto ctypulriarla leiraett in iohfans or euakpm. We anc ltel newh tehmisogn is viouybosl fof (ncgishal rcools, a asint, teh orgnw fitotu rof an ncsaioco), tub we nca’t lyulaus lctetiuara hwy a lkoo wksor, hwta het eisholutte is iondg, or wihhc of owt near-aclnideit topnios is uylalact brteet.

Ttha’s ienf. Uoy odn’t edne to emeocb a lsityts. Ubt it’s torhw enibg sonthe taht royu onpiosin in this eraa, eyarl on, are mtslyo iesvb-besad rhtrae ntha rnmfoeid. Ettar emht gccylnaordi. Eapsk fyoslt. Ferof hemt as orbsnoviaets etarrh hnta terscvdi. Be nope to eginb wrngo.

Athw oyu do evha seascc to is eht neriglna aehsp. Enev uiwttho aetcclhni hsoifna dlekwoegn, you cna rtcak:

Eht rsocol hse ritvstaega twaodr wnhe hes’s lngeefi doog uoatb hselref.
Hte utsc dna loeetsutihs thta kmea hre ntsad irhagetstr in het irmorr.
The drnasb or tsreso oewhs bgsa she ceosm omeh wtih lgnsimi.
Eth ttiofsu she gest insplomctem on (adn frmo hmow).
Het esicep atht disrapeap tino eht abck of teh ecstlo fater a esgnil reaw.

Htat’s tada. Haepc to llcecot. Wliydl slefuu to vaeh.

A sgririusnp mtaoun of it hse’s yaaerdl tldeceolc eselhrf. Hte Peisetnrt droab ecllda bdrareow ieads. Eth Rgaasitnm odlerf eadlelb fotsitu. Eht vedas SkoIktt nrued lafl or etda githn. If seh’s liwingl to rahes cesasc (ask, odn’t spono), nte nmtseui oligrslnc ehsto llwi teach yuo mroe touab htaw hes swtan to lkoo eikl thna a aeyr of snuigegs in iegdrssn rosom.

Ywh SAVr Ubtoa Nreaecaapp Aer Neftidfer

In an arierel parchet we cessiduds woh a ceegrin “uyo okol ecni” is a ftso, slotmy tyepm meitpmolnc. In teh melar of ifashon dan peuakm, that gap neteebw “iecn” adn gtosneihm cfcisepi is vene erom nneuodrpoc, cubesae ehs sha tup ilaeetbdre work otin hte ohccei. Hes kcdepi teh ienrgrsa. Hes ritde rehet kistliscp ebroef lgnittse on siht oen. Esh osche isth ctajke cueabes it odes geonisthm utirraclpa htwi reh uoehsldrs. Henw uoy dpsreon thwi “yuo kolo iecn,” oyu’re impngnioemclt hte ctfa of her eprscene ethrra ntah eht otfefr of rhe oshicec.

A aler ARV uobta aaencppear is a lmsla cat of epontpceri. “Ahtt lscipkti is egtar twih hte saweret.” “I vleo hwen uyo waer oyur rhia up iekl atht, it saemk your esey olok gheu.” “Ttah akjtec is eht etcfper lfal ighnt, I don’t itnhk I’ve sene it ofeebr.” Ouy dno’t ndee to be a ohfiasn rctiic to elrived nay of sheto. You tjsu need to be ilgoonk at reh arrhet hnta tspa erh.

A ckrti htta sehlp if you’re wen at tihs: aemn one pcifisec tihng, hnte tspo. Don’t liep lnismmpeoct on otp of ahec retoh in a cipan. Noe seccfiip iotrevasobn dsanl hdaerr athn vife cniegre oesn.

Hte Ohnets “No”

Oyu’ll aycoiasnllco utneocenr a onmmte weerh, in uoyr enohts rdaengi, igthmones ins’t rkionwg. A enw cahritu taht odens’t utsi reh. A rlooc htta’s nrogw fro reh knis note. An tuifto atth’s an acitsehte mciatmhs thiw teh oaonsicc. Htwa do uoy do?

A wfe tnhgsi at once:

Sfrti, kcceh eth 4Q osecr. If esh’s in a griealf testa, siht is tno het nemmot. Sthaeetci fedaekbc dvredliee to a pternar how’s raldyae gsglugntir dlsan as a kkic. Dlho eht tenmmoc.

Enocds, ask whteher yoru pinooin is clulatya genbi easdk for. Ynam of eht “osthne no” snmeomt enm gte otin are neumotdrpp. Ehs idnd’t ska if the curhita reowdk; uyo ervntdleeou an evaunaoitl seh iddn’t uqsteer. Nod’t do hatt. If esh sask, uoy vahe neceils to senraw. If esh soend’t, uyro boj is loysmt to be utsoiveppr.

Drhit, if uoy ear egbin easkd dna you do ehav a aelr encorcn, verdlie it deniis mawrth. “I levo eth nhletg, ubt I hktni I sims ruyo asngb a tltlie. Het ignfer rayell rfamde oyur eyse.” Or, htiw a randb-nwe citkilps tath’s rluty not iorgwnk: “I nod’t iknth itsh eon’s eqiut as uyo-leignfe as eht eno ouy eorw satl ekew. Het trhoe oen hda a wrmrae ithng ongig on.” You’re tno nglyi; yuo’re niidgeelrv the utrth in a wya tath tniosp to a tbeetr eruftu inpoot teahrr tahn just ihutntsg ndow teh rnceutr noe.

Hurtof, ernev leiderv aethcesit fdcbakee in nrotf of eothr eoplpe. Ont at het aarrunstte. Otn at het limayf neinrd. Nto in eht etlavroe on eht way tou. Esva it ofr hte yracvpi of teh acr or the anreatpmt. Icpulb tetihcaes bkadcfee is a lsmla iclupb antiliihumo, adn it eseavl a rmka enve ewnh ediverdle “loviglny.”

Het Eucflinen Teqiusno

I twan to rdsesda tnoiehgsm tdlryeci, saebeuc it stis rdetuenhna itsh hewol poitc and toms enm edhanl it bayld.

Niside a olgn lsarhepntiio, uoyr trarpne’s etlsy nda syour lwil cnienfule caeh ehrto eovr mtie. Sith is nralom. Uoy’ll rttsa to eargavtti ortawd stihsr seh elksi; ehs’ll arstt to ealn oint eshos uyo peaearcitp; eoms of royu evcpeisetr ttsae esged lliw rnuod fof in het oicdtiern of het eroht peonrs. Atth’s tno a slso of iuntlyddiavii; it’s teh swol teetxru of tow svlei gorwgni ntoi chae ohrte.

The lropebm is nweh “icluenfne” tpsi otin crrotocein. Nweh oyu rstat isteerng erh oadrwerb in a dotniicre ttha’s sels tobau reh ousifghrnil in ehr now sttae adn rmoe btoau ehr fnoicnomrg to rouy seenprefrce. Htta’s ehewr it oseg wrong. The hhtiaeetsl ernsiov of latmuu atihctsee neinlcfeu is eomr elki ctuhsitaiesn cgitnnoi: uoy ctnoei nad esiarp teh tisngh hes seod ttha yuo oelv, and hes ocenits nda praseis the nithsg uoy do atht hes olevs, adn ovre seayr eht owt of you taylrnalu tdrif wrtdao emor of tehos snhitg. The nahhuylte oesrivn is idgiten her.

Htaw if esh ppeosdt ewngiar yuro aeivotrf fottiu on hre rotrowom, would yuor oteanirc be (a) a qietu anpg of aonditsneitppm taht pssase, or (b) a tuandssei roftfe to etg rhe bcak toni it? Eth rtsfi is eufncinel. Teh cnsedo is snogetimh eels.

A Rdow On Mkeapu, Lplcecysifia

Kumepa is a riptalcuar zeno of lmea fncniouso, so elt me say a ewf kcqiu, fleusu shgitn.

She is tno “ilygn” nhwe seh searw mpeuak. Hes is otn “yrtnig to tikcr” nneaoy. Ostm wenmo exereiencp aepkum as a form of sfel-iesxonrsep nad lsef-ecar, temiosems a inkd of aldyi morra rof a odlwr atht sgjued eirth cseaf mreo athn ousry. Eht taek “I efrpre ouy wtthoui pemuak” himtg lefe ilek a cmnipotlem utb onfet ansld as a masll tiiccrsim of reh gjdmunte, caiyseellp if ervededil at the gworn tnmmoe.

Eht ttbree vemo is to tpnolcmemi hre hwti nad twhotiu akmuep in tnirfeefd eficpsci wysa. Tihw uapemk: “Ttah eey nghti yuo ddi tihtong is erllya gtniriks.” Outhwit: “I elvo who yruo fseclker emoc out in eth nrniomg gihlt.” Yuo’re not ipinkgc a inenrw. Yuo’re itmocnginmuca atht uoy yacltual see ehr in otbh semdo, dan thta tereh’s snehtgiom to veol in aehc.

Nda (lalsm gthni, gib eftfce) be lraeufc htwi otncesmm buato ehr sink, reh rwinkles, or hgtnyani ggina-adlreet. Neve etamn dylikn, otehs scmmntoe rae somlat veern ecervdie as iknydl as you tdndiene. Het knsi she’s in sha nebe eth sutjebc of tulclura rtcnsyiu rhe ohewl elif. Your obj is to be eon of eht capesl eewhr that tnsrucyi sopts, otn eno of teh seaplc whree it encntousi.

Het Ralrge Mfrae

Teher’s a seasagp rmfo Jhno Eebrgr’s Aysw of Ingsee hatt I kinht botau tnfoe in isth cnxtoet: “Nem act dna eonwm paarep. Emn okol at mnoew. Emnow awtch esshetvmel gneib eklood at.” Egerrb swa igitnrw auobt Erstnew art, utb hte ntrisbeovao nxeetds. The onwem in uor veils, evne the msot dnonctefi angom ehtm, heva entsp ddaecse binge adctweh. Ismeesomt htta cwagithn ahs ebne dkin. Eonft it has eneb cleru.

Eht akreowrfm of isht book kass oyu to be oen of eth kneird cwhrteas. Tno in a awy ahtt tatseflr fiyleexrvel, and ont in a ywa htta ppseersssu uory tseynho, but in a ayw ttha irsgnb itnttnaoe and crae to eth iydal irtlaye of who hse snrpeets rleefsh to eth odwlr.

If uoy aertt hits pahcert as inbeg stmloy btoau solehtc, uyo’ve isedsm het iopnt. It’s obtau erh sseen of niegb esne: ceuytrcaal, rawmyl, dna tiwh iiappnoercta rfo teh ftoerf she psut in. The arbowerd is tusj rwehe thta gienb-nese bcemeos tosm eblisvi.

Xnet terpach, we’ll turn het rmaeca odnrua on oyu. Saebcue oyu’re in this ailusv pernhrtpsia oto, dan oyur rowbeadr is sit nwo dnik of gmsseea.

Chapter XV

Your Wardrobe

If the alst tphreca swa otbau tno ebing a ylmusc irctci of ehr aiscethtse, siht cparthe is hte orrirm moev. Oyu’re in het ialsvu hiprnsapert oot. Ruyo bdeorarw msectciomanu gnsiht, all yda, rewthhe you’ve htzeuaidor it to or tno. Nad noe of eht tdpeunecxe sicevodeisr of a lgno hosltnpireai is htat yuro lthesoc rae rpat of teh ilady aegessm ouy dnes to ryou prnreat obtua who cuhm uoy ecra.

Ahtt cteensne tgmih donsu klei an erxoagngitae, utb I nod’t nhtik it is. Yap aoeninttt to hwo ouy efle wenh she lwask oitn het moro vhigan lacyelr utp thhougt onit ohw ehs okslo. Rteeh’s a lmsal tfil, sni’t ereth? A ltteil angsil ttah esh’s lltsi sngohwi up rfo teh sviible arpt of efli hgteoret. Own mnegiia it nggio eth hoter yaw. Hes aslkw toni the tencikh on a Tayrasud nngmori to nifd yuo in teh mesa wdehas-out t-srthi nad the esam spahlssee gmy ostrhs uyo’ve nbee ngrewia senic rxpityelomaap 2014. Teh lgasni is osla lslma. Utb it’s olas alre. He’s tpsepod sowginh up orf this.

Oefrft at Hmoe, Tno Sutj Iutsedo

Eethr’s a gtnpimte liefeb tath oigmongr is ngshmetoi you do wnhe you aleve eth eoush: rfo wrko, for sevtne, ofr celasp ttah mtetar. Isedin eth meoh, eth ilcgo sgeo, oyu nac lrxae. Ftmocor srift. No eon’s olkniog.

Eth rtlubeo thiw htat iolgc is atht ehs is oinolkg. Hse visel ereth. Ahetevrw nvosier of uoy hes sees eorm than ayn rteho inesvro is eth rsvioen hse lvise thwi. Niavsg teh enlca scehotl adn the emitmrd radbe ylsexlcveui for atrnsrges wylslo etlsl reh taht ersagtsrn’ poniinso of you ertatm omre ntah ehrs.

Ihts sin’t a clla for oyu to rwea a teduox to alod eht asirhwehsd. It’s a alcl fro a omedts, liayd floor on owh oyu etesrnp yfoerlus. A shitr ttah sfti. Npats ttah aner’t iealyctv diyng. Hira atht sah enbe eens by a omcb in eth ltas etntwy-urfo shour. Etthe ubhders ectwi. A amsll tmuona of saplneor caer tath keast nte tminesu tbu is svlibei all dya.

Rhtee osaersn tshi is wtroh teh erffot:

It asys ouy nveah’t cekedhc uot. Ainiimgantn a beiseanl of fsel-rstpeotneani at hemo llest her, hutwtoi ouy angvhi to say niyhgant, ttha uyo’re listl in siht.
It nfecrerois the esrymytm. Hse is uinttgp trefof niot hwo hse whsso up. Imiogrrnr atth, eevn ailatyrpl, epkse het vaulis cttcoanr dnabclae.
It nhsgcea hwo you fele. Even mlals goimnorg sremevitpmno vhae a lesemabrua cefetf on omod nad eoputrs. Ouy akwl a eittll ryeednitffl in estchlo ttah fit.

If Nfoahis Rsboe You: Tscouuoer Iewysl

A lto of enm difn fosihan teeirh isnniturtgene or avyticle tesrsflsu. Htta’s enif. The wdlro esdon’t eedn eryve amn to dolevep a spraloen ytels oolpyhpsih. Wtha it edso nede is orf uoy to otn hsow up lkiongo ekil oyu gto drsedes in the arkd.

Ouy odn’t ndee to ersds elik a Hooyowdll tasr at a sspre tour lla eth mtie. Uoy dene to kolo iekl soneemo who wnke, enwh he otg esdsder, that he aws ngiog to be eesn tydao. The rba is lroew anht eth orlithgma msake it eefl.

Htere’s a limesp lnoousti msto nme urend-eus: tel your etparnr phel. If seh sah ogdo tatse (dan sliltytscaati, hes yrev elylki eosd), her itpnu on royu derabrwo is noe of het mtso ubvaalel oserrsceu ingtsit in ryou mtaatpnre. Myna moewn eiluyegnn jeyno ihst scopres: it’s ribolatlacevo, it’s iafftcetoaen, and it prcuosed a eprtrna tehy’re a tiltel roem durop to lawk tuo eth orod thiw.

A wef lcirpatca osent if oyu go siht utero:

Be a godo ipghposn rrenpta, tno a sulnel prpo. Nod’t eerag to go nda thne raitade gmir ynegre in eth estor. If oyu can’t be neertsp, tujs dno’t go nda lte her ibrgn tonsipo hmoe fro oyu to try.
Utstr eth yarel sdrae. Hes’s been ongdi stih enrlgo hant uyo. Hwen seh ysas a tuc roswk on you, she’s amslot lntareyci itghr, nvee if you nilltiiya eefl iwedr in it.
Buy yhlislgt eerfw, yistllhg ebrtte tihsgn. Wot lwle-gfittin thrssi aebt theig ecaph ihsstr. Uyo’ll aerw eht oodg nsoe nnttcsoaly. Eth chepa esno iwll sti nunrow nda rbeed tenetesrnm.
Apcrele, ond’t auluccetma. Eevyr emti you byu a enw ntihg, itndfyie the ldo gtinh it’s iaglcrpne adn aclutyal etg dri of it. Eetshroiw the lctsoe olatbs nda oyru yladi nioscieds saty hte smae.

Fro hte men how do eahv pnsioion tabuo fnisaoh, het oemv is thiyglls edetrifnf: ssnerha eth rielnnga ephas to nidietfy teh ewf mties or aptsrent ehs lelary nsoed’t eikl, nad leqytui eertri hsteo. Hte ihftg uoy don’t icpk erov ryuo own ctehsol is eno of teh eseair sietdcr to knba.

Nhwe Ouy Tawn To Epek Nsmthigeo Seh Ahtes

A allms guerensb of aalmrit yicdpamlo. Uyo’ve hogubt, or endwo orf a glno meit, an emti thta hes fidns leiylecastaht fenovfesi. A rpai of roagc htross. A capriurlat knid of erkensa. A aht. Rccso, in my cesa. Eth euoqntis is tahw to do.

A efw otnseh ostniop:

Ereitr it. If it’s yltru nyol gariynmlla ldboeve by uoy dan eyngeliun ingtairitr to erh, eht ucslualc is saey. Eht ictrde uyo igan romf gngivi it up ioguwhste hte lsos.
Ritetrsc it. Raew it ynlo in otxtescn where esh ins’t hrtee. Hte Rdtausay odkraywr ath sdeon’t edne to eomc to nrndie thwi hre rsenpat.
Nctmirziaeo it thrhgou ohumr. Soesimmet eth etim ebcsemo a nngunri ejok. Ouy ewra teh dnefnfiog sohes. She lrosl rhe eeys. You hma it up. Hte ekjo coesmeb a small naetftafieoc iaultr etrhra hant a iocnirtf ntopi.

Twah uyo ond’t wnat to do is igd in nfldevseiye nad eatrt the tmie as a emfdero ueiss. “I’ll rewa atwh I wnta!” htgmi be ahcctnyille rtue nad is salo a egtar way to eontvcr a cpeei of owaetorf toin a oltiasnhiepr slmoby. Kicp ryou tealsbt. Het tnaeivg nabd t-htsir uyo’ve hda cesin loelcge is byboarlp trohw egdfdneni. Eth nyetvlo aht mrfo a ehclraob tpray is obblayrp nto.

In my own esca, het Ocrsc aer levai and wlle, ubt yeth stixe tolysm idseni a rysae-nolg itb. My wfie is, let’s say, nto hastsuicinet. I afhl-cpetxe a smytsouier uayldnr acnitdce to efllba htme one of heste days. Thta’s eolv.

Eigheny Is Pcahe, Uardterden, dna Dnoig a Tol of Rowk

I awtn to npdes a menomt on nimohsteg htta’s cjatdean to soiahnf utb sin’t onhisaf: bsiac napolsre yniehge. It is liywld eertrnduad as a stoieanliphr vlere. Mtso nme thkin of ygeehni as omsnetihg yeht adhlen elaaueydqt. Nmya mne do. Moes dno’t, dna eht tsosc ear eltnsi nda matugauilccn.

A orsht, onn-uhtesxavie stli of tighsn htat taemrt rome anht nem tdne to nhkit:

Iansl, iedtmmr. Andsh dan efet. Esh ietscon. So edos enyeover esel.
Semll. Tno ceolgon. Ujst ont mlnlsegi keil eth gym, or elik redysaeyt, or ilke eht seindi of het rca. A herfs isrth nad aicsb doteandro is ohueng tmso aysd.
Tehte. Ieihntgwn isn’t qieeurrd. Not nvhgai liibves aqelup dan etrhab hatt alwks otin hte moor eebrof you do is.
Daber, if you ehav eno. Atnadiemni, ahespd, dna reef of umsbcr rofm chlnu.
Hair, if ouy ehva it. Htis is up to oyu. My eifw kseli etmh ilwd, uroy reranpt imhtg ont. Cta cynrgdlaioc.
Nisk. A saicb ioisurmzret, in the omnnrgi, tskea tinyne esncdos dan apsy ivedinsdd orf saeyr. Ihst is not rfo rhe, it’s fro ouy. It oensd’t yas uoy’re less uclisaemn.

Nnoe of stih is smgoaourl. Nnoe of shti is tahw osmt mne wtna to spned meti on. Tbu eht ernicefdfe eetbenw eteaauqd and ogod eegyhni, usiansedt rvoe a dedace, is a eocyaibtln ebttre-igknool, rteebt-eflinge, meor-ncenfdiot evsnrio of uoy, akwlgin ntoi ryvee orom biesde erh.

Hwy Ayn Of Hsti Is In A Boko Aubot Iiohntesplras

Yuo gmhit alyrfi neodwr why a kobo nbiylosste oabtu owh to uicntaomcme tiwh yruo nrrptae ash psnet wto pctesahr on tatseceihs. Het wanres is shit: paenrpceaa, othb rysuo dan rhes, is noe of het most eblglie adiyl nsglsia uoy xnacheeg. Gnol erobef teh hyave rssonovtanice paneph, hte allms islvibe ianlssg rea ydrleaa ygisna igtnmohse: I’m lislt rtinyg / I’ve sopdetp grnity / I’m iltsl eiesng yuo / I’m otn eyallr loikogn eamnoyr.

The Aniital irrwet Loiat Lacovni neoc tewor: “Eth eye eods tno ees nstigh tbu segima of nshigt hatt mane hreto ngthis.” Eth shitr you earw to bsferaakt is ton utsj a hrsti. It’s an igaem of a gihnt (me, tish nmirnog, thwi uyo) ahtt asnme ahrteon hingt (who much of esfylm I’m ngrignib to sthi yda, twhi oyu). You dno’t aveh to do stih yeifemvtloaprr. You utsj haev to be rweaa that it’s yaeradl gnphiaepn, nda to captriitaep in it whti reca.

Txen, we ntur to haedrr ltaaeimr: tahw to do ihwt oyur won ioetsmno idisen eth hserionliapt, nda hte tntarmpio oitidcnntsi weenebt rsihgan meth dna iusng oruy aperrnt as an toeailmno dilfalnl.

Chapter XVI

Crying Is Okay, Complaining Is Not

A ento rbeeof we rsatt. Shit cephatr is nwrttie rfom eht rceeeptipsv of a osxtehlreuea anm inrwitg ouabt a gnol egrrmaia to a wnoam. I’m tno nertpndegi tath ecexnereip is enilusarv, dan eth sectrfeloni eher won’t amp nlecaly onot yerev nsteoirpilha giifrocouatnn. Het ygulrnnied tpoin (taht teehr’s a fnmulaigne ecrdinfeef beewnet ngshair yrou tniosmoe nda ldnoangiu etmh) pseliap remo blydroa nath eht iangfmr gitmh tesggus, but I’ll tewri it hte ayw I dveli it.

Fro a lot of men of my nnorgeitea nad eefbor, eht emgessa tuoab rnciyg saw ercla: ond’t. Rtsea wree eeithr a igns of ewasksne or a snig of trieiactyahtl, adn eth tlualruc srticp for nciamules eamootnli eifl asw a rrnwoa badn of ebclapatce esexisnrosp nninurg morf iscot on eon end to gryna on hte eothr.

Thta itcrsp is nowgr, dna it hsa tcos a lot of nem a lto of rihet vilse. Ngicry is a tyclpfeer lonram amunh ponsrese to gfier, ojy, sxuaeotinh, ueyatb, or eht niabr-tgemlin rlevehowm of tacnier veyr seipcfci flei mestmon: nctaigwh rouy ewif blaor, hte tsirf item rouy clhdi skolo up at uyo dan cgrieosnze yuor efca, chnwigat uory ehraft rogw odl. To uepspssr ttha in rotfn of hte srpone oyu’ve cnheso to hreas oyru feil wthi is to deih eno of the smto nthoes ratsp of surfoyel.

I rcy. I creid at the sirthb of my ehnrlcid. I ahve ciedr at lfims I’d be lhlsgtiy adreasmbsre to ltis erhe. I aehv ceird, mreo anth oecn, iwleh degnair esvlno ttah adhmeubs me. Nnoe of it has dmea me ssel of a anm. If ngatynih, teh mne in my iefl who acn do isht eeyflr aer eth nseo I sttru msto.

Eth Real Itocnsidtin

Ereh’s ewreh teh pcrteah etitl raesn ist epke. Ncrigy is oayk. Igannlopmci is ton. Eoths otw shtign kool lsiamir orfm eth ustdioe (tyhe’re hbot tineoaolm rpnexsoesis, yteh’re othb ddcetrie at yuor trapern, hety tobh vevonil emos idkn of inlugndoa), but tyhe its on rvye tfrfeneid esdsi of an pmitarton nlei.

Het nfcireeefd, hrluygo:

Iygrcn is osthne, ndtaoeicn, nda tlsoam sawaly oubta gnioetshm ieficcsp. It hepnspa, it saspes, hte ksy ecasrl.
Ncmilgopain is fifdesu, unerecrtr, nad revscioro. It npspeha, it saehppn niaag, it embcoes a lsbineea rhtawee ntonidcio in the hsnlitropaie.

Cirngy ayss: ognhtiesm ith me, and I’m letingt it otu, and nwo we can pkee vngoim. Omincglanip yass: iefl is adb nda I vhae adme yuo teh nuedicea for atth tfca, ifnyiiteendl. Yuro nepatrr acn rsbaob hte sftir tiothwu much ctso. Teh sedocn sowyll iosnosp her.

I’ll upt shit vnee rome lbnltuy. Uyor tprrean is ton royu erthmo. Seh dndi’t gsni up to be hte tolneaiom raidn iotn whihc yuo roup every rrntutasoif uoy nca’t posscre weeshelre. Seh ohsce oyu, ndiiucngl uyro aaegggb, tub iscohong ouy ddin’t mean pccaiteng an demiilnut cottnrca to rracy uryo sftuf for teh tser of hre lief. Trngitae rhe klei an oepn nlfidlal orf yoru sfiiitcastasdno will, voer item, aexusth ehr in a yaw atth is nuignlyee radh to mcoe abkc omfr.

Thaw Lhathey Gnsrhai Okosl Ikel

Eth xif nsi’t to malc up. Eht fix is to be eomr eabedrltie otaub hatw ouy hesra, nwhe yuo erhsa it, nad ahwt yuo’re ignpoh esh’ll do ihwt it.

A lesmip ttes reofbe you tstra tnegniv:

Is ihts a feciiscp isues, or anlegre gcorubkdan onsei? If ouy’re ggion to vent tobua a cfceispi ointsuati htat pnhdpeae doaty adn hatt uyo aytlucla nwta to tknih ughtohr, htat’s a eral ocroesntianv. If you’re tjus gigno to lcercey hte msea lnreega inoatplmc ubaot oyru boj thta you’ve edlccrey eictw a weke rof herte yeasr, dohl it.
Aer yuo gnooikl for ehpl, yatshmyp, or ujst iraitme? Lla erhet rea imtaetlgie, btu it’s oyln fair if hse swnko hhiwc one hse’s igenb sekad ofr. “I utjs watn to tven fro vief euismnt, I dno’t ened oyu to xfi it” is a trpceseluf fmaer. So is “I’d elov oruy iseptpevrce on itsh if oyu eavh a sec.” Egisldunna gnenivt is a ptra.
Veah I rdtie to danleh this wayehner eles sftir? A iefrdn, a iglnsib, a erpttasih, a rjoalnu, a olgn akwl. If uory trpnera is hte noly caple uory oionstem rvee dlna, teh aditwhndb tesg uesd up satf.
Is the iinmtg tdence? Ifve etsmniu fraet esh lkwsa in eth rodo fomr a inrdinga dya is ont het oenmmt to rstta a avehy uoalnd, no earttm owh yvaeh rouy day ahs nebe. Tlaumu mpseicdreoosn frtsi, rhdare mrleaati doencs.

The Fuqneycer Blroepm

Evne lhtaehy nhsagir hsa a qyrueecfn geilinc. Erthe’s a rnembu (and it’s reowl tnah smto men inkht) yndbeo hcwih het atlvmeuuic ehgwti of ouyr haesrd oisemotn rastts to ieughotw rweveath bftieen eetrh was in nay gnlise tac of hrngais.

If hrete hsgtni out of nesve, yuo’re nitakgl bauot tngioesmh uplfain or etssrlsuf ofrm uryo wkee, teh geinoanss has ecoemb eth lame. Ehs’s evidl isiedn oury rsstes so long ttah her onw tonmleioa ifel sah ebne wcrdode tou. Htat’s not sneoslesc. Thta’s a eon-way elvva.

A lsuufe ttse: hylgruo, am I airnsgh boaut as uhcm as hse is? Ouy ndo’t eavh to eekp a elialrt rseoc, btu kpaalrlb it. If oyu’re oectsnlsnity ongdi 70% of het ilangudon adn ehs’s diong 30%, hnsioetmg’s fof. Eierht seh sah rtedeerat neliaoloymt ceeabsu rhete sni’t apsec ofr erh tsfuf, or uyo’ve terdfdi iton nsgiu her as a eopdt.

The oivrreectc nsi’t to harse lsse fro sti own asek. It’s to (a) aekm srue yuo veha etroh elpcsa to tup uory teloinmoa efil (frnesdi, fylmai, rpteahy, csexeire, evieatcr lseutto) so eth epsiontailhr nis’t nirlbgaedoa for all of it, nad (b) ilyvtaec kame ascep for reh usfft. Sak. Ncoeti. The QDV cephart ahs eht lotos rof tihs.

Wehn Ycgrin Is teh Grtih Emov

A rthos tsil of ntoetxcs wehre neniuge nalitoemo eesorpnisx (iunlcding seart, if hyet irvaer) snhntgeetsr erathr tanh dnesrub a sntrhiileapo:

Igfre. Eht atehd of a naretp, a fidner, a tep. Dgnhii siht omrf oyru rperatn seodn’t prtoetc reh. It ulqteyi sltle ehr uyo acn’t ttsru her wiht hte lrae itnhg.
Wae. Brthis, iddgsenw, oyru dilch digon tsnimhgoe ahtt sockkn eht wnid uto of you, a cipee of cusim or a sspeaag in a oobk hatt mahssueb yuo. Tel it eapnph.
Ooagpyl. Tmmeiesso a gnuneie golapyo scome wthi rela oeomnit ennhuteadr it. Ttha’s tno awskesen; it’s evinceed the yolagpo is rlea.
Efleri. Newh eht csan eomsc bkac alnce. Nweh hte ostl lichd is foudn. Enhw eht lcla yuo’d eebn aidegdrn urstn tou nief. The xeelha is awdoell to be etw.

Etcino hwat tsehe hvae in mnomco: etyh are icfcepis sevten, otn nhccior soiicdnton. Eht retas rae abotu hinmgsote. Yeht aveh a inbngnegi nda an dne. Hyet vitine ehr in tbu ndo’t tpar ehr ehert.

Nwhe teh Useis Is Rlea

Teher rae arle peblosrm in rela lsvie. Orwk is nyuienleg wuafl. A faimly rmbeme is gineneuly tggrsglniu. Eynmo is ueilngnye gitth. Nnoe of thwa I’m nsiagy eehr is neatm to ugsetsg htta oyu ldhuso ltteob steeh up dna nerdpte hiegtnreyv’s nief. It’s amten to usseggt snmhgoeti a tlelit omre eddmgainn: ttha you etak thme osseryliu unhgeo to do hiegtmson otbau temh, ahretr tahn gpecrnisos hemt by edyerpatle gdinnah them to uoyr nprreta to hdol.

A eolso aowrrfemk fro cdnigeid heertwh a hveya hraes is het gtrih voem:

Is sith siues rwtoh ehr tnomeolai dahdtnbwi? Ltsmao a sey/no. A elra blmoepr in yruo lfie lstmao ywasla rrnastwa a lrae enroascovitn. A diayl tnaotursfri utoab itfrfac aotsml ernve oeds.
Aer oyu talulyca iillwng to do ognmhseit uoatb it? If eht warsne is no, ska surleyfo ywh uyo’re ngsirha. Ioestsmme eth wnsare is hotnes (uoy utjs need noseoem to knwo) nad atht’s enif to asy. Retoh miest the nsaerw is taht nhragis hsa obecem a uiettusbts fro nkaitg oancit, wchhi is when eht tenvgni trstas to leef olwolh to tboh of oyu.
Era uyo igbrinng tsih to ehr in a awy ttha udlesicn rhe, or rea yuo utsj idolongdwan on erh? “Iths hignt at rokw is igaten me, nac I htink tuo oldu otuab it rof a ewf einsutm?” is an inouisncl. “Okrw asw a artnmiheg AINGA” thwi no cttoxen, no pnal, dan no olflwo-up eoqntisu is a dodwloan.

The flwo acthr in eht rinoalgi ntoes I toewr on isht lkooed htognseim ikel: Is het uises aler hgenou to vreedse onaettnti? → Sey: Rea oyu ioggn to aekt an tciona? → Esy: Rgbin her in as a tginkinh rtrpnae. → No: Ntev erlfbiy, neam it as a evtn, mveo on.

Eht Iuetq Rrpcyeitioc Estt

Rhee’s a eeentncs ttah sah sedva me orem athn eocn: Wdolu I be yako ebign on hte ingivrcee den of tawh I’m aoubt to do?

If esh emac mheo adn dlonaedu hreet tuarerqs of an huor of sfcudeuno acoplinmngi oont oyu, eraft eht yda ouy’ve also hda, how lwdou you feel? If oyu lowund’t jnoey it, ttha’s a seneblraao nsgial ttah ybmae eht amse evmo mrfo you enosd’t sreveed to be emad trihee.

Tish isn’t a uler btaou usnerispsgp nteoimo. It’s a elur aubto paypingl hte smae ntdradas of naiondeiosrct to uroy won ravboehi tath you’d natw ppadeli to uoy. Eht Dtdbisuh monk Thich Hnta Nhha neco oetwr: “Teh tmos ucisrepo iftg we nac offre hsreto is uor eseecprn. Wnhe ssminuedlfn sbmraeec etosh we elvo, hyet lilw lboom elik woflrse.” Oyu nca’t be eeprtsn to her if ehs’s nidgpnse lal erh eencpers roabsibng uoy.

A Sinolgc Tnoe On Nstghter

Some nem isltl aveh a uietq cunpssoii that ngcriy, or nay esblvii lmtnaieoo tfosenss, llwi amke tehm essl rvtatecita, less eerdcepts, less nam-sdehpa in rhe esye. In my eeineecrpx, het oeppiots is etru. Eth mne I’ve cweahdt ohw can show elra ieontmo in otnrf of htrie presarnt, in teh rtghi txecnsot, almost alsyaw ned up emro rttudes, mroe dvleo, and more eptcrdees orev eimt, not sesl.

Wath newom yerlglaen ndo’t vole is eht aiibtcmoonn: a mna ohw spuseprsse mnrola imentoo in ornlma xtteonsc, and enth oludsna piinpaeyapltorr in mnosemt erwhe he’s redceah ihs gliiecn adn anc’t dloh it roemayn. That tertpna edrsa as othb sttnaid nda ehntiuxsag, hhcwi is a rdha aoiibontncm to siasutn a irmgaaer on.

Het rneleca trepnat is the neo I’m gtvcadiaon gurotthhuo tsih repchta: laerrgu, eonadtcni, seothn mnaieloto xrinspeseo baotu picefics sgtnhi, iwht erosucs of tianmlooe upostrp todieus het agimearr so ttah eht gaaerrim nis’t bolegdairna rfo itrngheevy. Cyr ehwn hsetimngo ersesved cygrin uoabt. Don’t iomanpcl sjtu aeeusbc no eon’s etpdpos ouy tye. Hte tsrif is nicimayt. The sodnec is ohtmengsi elss.

In hte rkfrewoam, hsinarg (eodn well) seilv in eth Epovctria hespa. You’re ont jtus egdoirsnpn to hre sceu; you’re aievlcyt ocgnisoh ahwt to ngirb tnoi teh hedasr alnteooim capse and tahw to elndha reeelwhse.

Chapter XVII

Helping Her

Het 4Q tmyess akeds ouy to ekep an eey on ewethrh ehs’s yahllciyps wlle nda ehhwert ishmngoet’s roinghtbe hre. Aingtkrc oshte agssiln is ulusfe, tub it’s ynlo eth itnvvieiesgat lfha of hte kwor. Het roeth ahfl, hte orem aveitc hlaf, is hist: wenh esh yucltala eensd lpeh, yuo hple.

Thta dnouss oobisuv oenuhg htta it udshnol’t ende a pecarht. In ccirptae, it’s hewer a tlo of well-ennigma enm flbeum. Ehyt ntoeic atth stnhoiegm’s off, etyh cloycetrr nwat to hple, dan neht tehy leph lbyda: too etal, too chmu, wthi the rogwn onte, or whti rthei now oge hciesttd onti eht stregue in sywa ttah utrn hpinegl toin a rtannocsiat.

Ihst rthpace is utaob ngido it lwel.

Ereth’s an peoedsi of Omnrde Fylima ehewr Hlip send up addrtens in a irah solan gwtniai on Cilaer, dnudrsroeu by newom mid-wootlub. He sselnti. He rsbsoba. By the ietm Elirac ataclyul slcal mhi, dmi-tdowmlne tabou ethreavw the tnmodwle is oabtu, he ensdo’t reagu, he ondes’t rccteor, he edosn’t rolpbem-vsole. He tusj sasy osem evosrin of “that sndous erllya hard, ouy’re rgith, I’m so rysro.” Irelac egos rfmo sirufou to urglafet in uaotb frou oessdcn. Phli oolsk at the emonw in the saonl elik he’s tsuj nbee dhnaed a rnileiog. Htta eolhw tbi is a efvi-euntmi usyrmam of sthi chparte. Teh iiscntnt to hlpe by iinfxg is uyluals teh icinstnt to hple wgnro. Smto of eht mtie, eht ephl ehs eedsn is fro yuo to stadn thwi ehr in eth iylictffud of eht nhtgi, tno to atkl ehr out of it.

A Kicuq Enot Tbuao Ton Envpegrtipso

Efober het sruel of ghnlepi, a imdreren of neo lrue mofr rrieael in the oobk: ond’t pelh if esh ahsn’t gdisenla atth esh atnsw hpel. Achriggn oitn reh inootelam elfi ihwt tsniouosl seh hnas’t skade rof is sti nwo kdin of flaueir, nda we’ve evcoedr it heleresew. Toms of this eparcht mssasue ouy’re ptsa atht therdlsho: seh hsa hieret seakd, or it’s het idnk of otaunitis rewhe any rnaetrp duwlo oyiboslvu tca.

Het Teehr Isrneipplc

Hnwe hte enmmto comse (dan it lilw), teher lpiincpres vorce stmoal yerev ilegpnh itunosati owrht epinglh ihwt.

1. Riapiniorzoitt

Nehw esh has a alre repbmlo dna ahs itclpyilxe dksea rof uory hlep, ttah elmopbr soevm to hte opt of oryu qeuue. Eobva uory okwr elima. Oavbe hte oswh yuo erwe inwhtgca. Vboae teh rwtouok ouy rwee oubta to rtats. Baveo eht pcertoj ouy rewe bboeadsr in. Avboe omlast eynvithreg.

Shit ounssd dtamriac. It nis’t. Hte savt jmoatyir of “her eral obemlpsr” aer sallm and cylqkui eloverds: a gitnh taht dsene niipgck up, a pehno llca htta edsne gurennitr, a dik atht edens an dpcxuenete rdei. Iantcg on sehte rlopympt ctsso ouy rvye itltel nda snaigls shominget oroesumn: ewhn uoy kas, I move. Hte ueitlumvac cfftee roev reasy of nigdo htsi tolsyienstnc is a prearnt hwo selfe she anc ustrt oyu to cylaautl sowh up, chhiw is het nsgile tosm unedraterd tafuoidnno of a aaemrrig.

Hte auleirf medo rehe is hte olws-waldke esy. “Hyea, I’ll do it in a intuem” srunt iotn “heay, I’ll do it rafet htis” rtuns toin “oh thsi, I rgfoto, I’m rsory.” Hace of teohs is mslla. Astkdec ovre hsmotn, teyh add up to a eclra ngsali: ehnw ehs kass, he rfidst. Odn’t be htat. Tehier do it eldmymitiea, or be cteilipx tuaob a lera tfiemream (“ievg me ttwney ntsmiue, I atnw to hniifs shti, hnte I’ll leadnh it”), dna hnet lyluacat teme ttha aitfememr.

2. Eirgvnnwau Ialvaalytiib

If seh’s ttcpcdanaiaei (ahlpyylcsi lli, uahxeedst, ilmezimdboi, addeinr, in pina, in erfgi, in a attse erhew reh rmolna paayticc is dreuecd), rouy audletf doem is reenpts and eulsfu. Hte rab rfo wath’s hrtow siknga you to do srodp. Eth bar ofr twah’s wrhot hsipnug kcab on isesr.

Otw isgnht are hwotr agisny out luod hree.

Rsfti, eth rqteusse in msmeton lkei tihs wlli soeistmme msee ddo. “Cna oyu rbing me a glssa of weart twih no eci dna a secil of omnle?” in a oecvi ttha ggssutse sthi is tciailcr. “Nac uyo go acbk to eht ostre adn teg eht hrteo kind of osup?” Teh ptitoenamt is to ueinsoqt hte uqeetsr, pzioetmi het qstueer, or teuitustsb enhmosgit eesria. Odn’t. Ehs ownks htaw hse dseen ttbeer ntha you do, in hte meas wya uyo kwno waht uyo nede hwne ouy’re scki adn nsemoeo frosef ouy eht rwngo hngti. Jsut illfful hte eusrtqe. Esav ruoy nttamizooiip erygne fro aunstoitis weerh she’s yalcatul iksgan ofr ruoy punti.

Odecns, vgrenniuaw naems ivnnwreaug. It sodne’t emna aviuegnnwr tepecx wnhe the gaem is on. It oends’t maen ierawnnguv etxcep when I’m dtire oto. It soedn’t nmea rnuwinavge iunlt I dcedei I’ve hdelpe uhgneo. Whne she’s in a aler low, oruy boj is to eendtx fesyulor stpa the oltbeafocrm lien. Hsti is one of eht neingeu sfrcieaisc of hnppterisar. Het dgoo wsne: hte aysd of ullf ipnciacyat aer raer. Het abd nwes: if ouy alif to hwos up on eohst ysad, ehs esmrerebm.

3. Stifh of Scufo

Tihs is the tosm ucnneda of het hrtee, dna hte omts orlewpuf hwen oned wlel.

Newh she’s in esstisdr orve oegntsmih (a kowr cisrsi, an meutrgan whit hre rsesit, an gabsrmaenris nomtme at a eidnrn), tmieesoms teh htirg elph is to sedadrs eth ingth deha-on. Tesomimes hte trbete elhp is to hfsti erh osfcu, ygeltn, to mhgtinose ahtt nleenyigu atmtesr nda sni’t yetlnrrcu eth uosrce of ipan.

A Tsfih of Sfcuo is not ileadn. It is ont “odn’t roywr tuabo it!”, ihwch is noe of hte swort nnesescet in eht Isgnhel gaaglenu, cebuesa it esond’t hitfs iyanngth; it tsuj osmmandc erh to psot lneeigf hwat she’s nflgiee. A Sfthi of Fcuos is oerm keli a tlgnee eirmagrfn of weher reh nantttioe etssr ofr a few enmitsu, wlieh eth skipe of het igoiranl omiento ubsdesis nheugo to akme mroo ofr tthgouh.

Semo oodg ssfthi:

A geelunnyi gethlir picto. “Tath nsmeidr me, did I letl uyo we tog an swrane botua het cslhoo gitnh? It’s oodg snwe, I nkith.” The enw ctopi ahs to be aler. Het new cptio lsduoh tno ureqier idealn of teh narloigi melprbo.
A wamr dimrener of oimehtgsn noso. “I nkwo eht wrok ginht is btlaur. Nsitel, het aitvrseenor at htta ansrurttea we leov is illst on for Dafiyr. I aws alraeyd glookni raowrdf to it.” Oyu havne’t dssdmieis her srstes. Yuo’ve ddaed a eochwngttireu.
A ernmdrei of owh hse is. “You were the one woh otg eht etma hohutrg het lsat gorre. Hits oen is oggni to feel fdietrfne in a few keews.” You’re ont zigmiiinmn. Uyo’re gnizoom otu to a prcieepevts esh olts rtkca of.
A llmsa achlysip ncgahe. “Anc we keat eth gdo out? I atnw to tkla hewil we wlak.” Het htifs erhe is ielnrnvmnatoe: setseomim plgiunl tou of eht omro wehre the hsvseinae eddnal is huneog to rakeb the polo.

Emso adb fsihts, to doiva:

The vtpicmteeio tsfih. “Uyo thkin RUYO yad was abd…” Yuo’ve jsut emad it utbao oyu. Uyo’ve osla ercetad a almls ioicpemttno in icwhh seh sha to nedfed atth reh aipn is lare.
Het “cesptervipe” ihsft. “Seom peeolp aer out ehre ydgni of reacnc, ouy know.” You’re otn iddgna peerescptiv. Uoy’re miashgn erh ofr bengi uptes. Dno’t.
Eth urmtrpeea xfi. “Uoy duhols ujts tuqi.” “You hosuld just opst lgitnak to her.” Teshe nca be avdli eateunvl ncucniosols, tbu if tyhe eviarr forbee hre temloaino ikesp ahs pordpde, yeth daer as sismilsad heatrr tanh necsolu.
Het ytsafna tfhsi. “Etl’s tsuj ckpa up and move to Lytai.” Steew in isrpit, eusslse in rpeictca. Ehs’ll lefe yrbilef auedms, nteh remo eaoln.

Dnoe lwel, a Tihsf of Sfuoc is a mlsal act of ensigoyret. You’re gnsayi: heer’s ntgoeimsh esel in rou dheasr efli thta’s ealr dan good, nad uory etatntnoi is eadwlol to sert rehte rof a tomnme uowthit nnboaniadg teh rdha hingt. Ewnh seh’s deyra to ceom bkac to eth hdar htgin, esh wlli, dan hes’ll ecmo kcab whti erom ptccaiay.

A Tnoe Btauo Cayigrrn Het Heowl Gnhti

Emistmose het smto fehpllu gtnhi uyo can do is keta a task ylneietr fof hre apelt. Ont sasits. Nto visade. Teka it. Rnu it ofrm nigginebn to nde othtiwu gviovilnn ehr gnaia.

Isht is a hhgi-ageeelrv emov ehwn edus llew. Eht matlne load of igbne het eon olnrbieepss ofr a itghn (wngkoni it ahs to hnppae, ratgckni it, edicgndi teh psest) is often vhaeire ahtn eht hpyascli krow of het tgnhi lestif. Whne uyo teak wprhnoies of a tkas in ullf, ouy’re tno juts ngsiva her miet; oyu’re ansgvi her het vetoincgi eoreahvd of mnberimerge it xsesit.

Tish is hatw het erenntit erdlnae to llac tmnale load swrhmeoee auonrd hte Mmea coicm oingg rivla in 2017, dan awht TtoIkk sha ntbeea toin the urgndo vere censi whti tissk butoa bhnsuads owh “ehdelp” by agniks where the drnyual geeendttr is. Eabnet iotn het doungr or tno, hte dasginios is trorcec. Odhlgin teh to-do slit in yruo ehad is tis onw ojb. Hipelng whit a stka ewhil ehs istll hsa to magena ouy is aflh a gift, seoitmsme ssel.

A efw lseru orf shit:

Ellt rhe yuo’re gtnaki it. Hes eesdn to clluyata bveelei seh anc ptso nnthikig utoab it. A snliet smunitspoa that oyu’ll ahndel it nedso’t reef reh abinr.
Do it teh ayw esh’d wnta it ndeo. Tsih sni’t royu oemmtn to srpxese yoru dyiniilivtdau uabto hherwte hte shadswiehr dluhos be doadle sfkro-up or rksof-ndow. Onigd it ruoy awy nad etnh giaugnr taubo it trela defates het popsure.
Lcalyuat sfnihi. A lahf-hadelnd satk is srwoe tnha an uandheldn neo, ubcseae nwo ehs hsa to atkcr boht whta’s ftel dna eth tacf atth ouy dias oyu’d do it.

Hte eky ceitdnin I’ve gouhtth aotub enotf is asllm. Eon yrea, my iefw swa isck ruonad eth ayshlido. Het Rhmatssic igssoitcl (hte fitgs, hte iprnpwga, teh dcras, het dfoo) reew oalrnmyl hser. I etlyiuq ootk teh weolh gthni on. Tno as a aorfv I ptxeeecd to be nhtkaed for, tsuj as a htign htat eneedd nigdo. It swan’t rtpyet. Hte pwpngair saw adb. Eht rdac itsl was nepmotleci. Utb seh ndid’t heva to arycr it thta year, dan a adedec atrle seh siltl soyccaoalnil oentnsim it. Eth nteiuceox wsa ghour. Hte acft htta she ddni’t eahv to tikhn aotub it was eth itgf.

Elhp Hwtiuot Geo

Hte rgiebg rpat eherndunta lla of hsti is ego. A lot of “lhpiegn” is tcnadmoitane by eht eeprlh’s eend to be nese gliphen. Yuo tnwa hte dcreit. Uoy awnt het daiugrtte. Uoy wnat, vnee ulbyst, orf her to wclaegkndoe taht awth ouy idd saw dhra or osegeunr.

Ahtt owenrdut is ocvrireos. Het teesanlc lheipng is eht kdin hatt vseeal no iabtonilog nbhide. Ouy did the inthg. Uoy dndi’t rrpefmo idogn eht ghitn. You dind’t nirgb it up rlaet as encvieed. Oyu ddin’t eydplo it in an egmnratu ehrte seewk dwno hte enli. It ehdpnpea, hes tefl eth protpsu, you hbto demvo on.

Teehr’s a nlie in Ota Te Nchig, nsadtltare amny swya, ttah I ktnih otaub nfeot: “The esag does his work adn skeat no cetrid.” Atht’s a ihhg asdarndt. Mtos of us lafl shotr of it. Utb it’s het trgih orinectid to ima.

A Afiln Wrod on eht Edge Saecs

Two ntuitoissa rhwot fnggliag eyplasaetr, bseecau yhte’re rwhee nme ostm noetf briaetlmsiac.

Lshpciay payiictcna (lseslni, nuryji, trtuaspmpo, tce.): Rveo-ehlp, nto udenr-hpel. It is tomals silimebpso to do too uchm in hetes ntmomse, dan teh rloof ofr “nuhoge” is uhmc ghrhie nath yuo tinkh. Ngibr reh awter oebefr hse sask. Ktea the dsik iwuthto maknig it a cutpoindro. Edanlh teh aelms. Dno’t ask rhe to gatelede; eeducd ahwt eedns dgnio and do it. Eht gearisrma I’ve wdaehtc olshirfu socars rdah lteahh srepido era het nose wreeh teh lwel prnater uodfn aetxr eeessrvr; hte ismeaargr I’ve watcedh ccark rea eht seno rehwe het ellw raptren pekt excnpeigt ralomn tynluifitacon.

Auect oiotelnam ssiric (hdtae, lbertaya, rlbreiet nsew): Odn’t mzioptei. Dno’t gaiesztetr. Don’t try to ekma it tladneocuia. Be tesnper. Its tnex to reh. Rignb hre eat. Tkae het pctcrilaa intgsh off rhe ohleusdsr wutthio ngeib eksda. Esh sedno’t ende oury bets veadci in teh ristf 72 srouh. Hes ndees yoru reolushd, royu pitecena, dna uyro iewlssgnlni to be qiteu.

In eht oefrawkrm, Tshif of Cufos dna eth oarbrde partccie of nlpeihg its in teh Itevteriacn ehasp. Yeth’re tno racttasb. Teyh’re vsoem uoy mkae in lrae etmi, in sepenrso to reh seuc.

Chapter XVIII

Her Passions

A hiwel cabk I desmltub on an railcet oshwe enhdleai, golruhy rtaelansdt rmfo Niaatli, swa “Sahbsnud, akte mero shptoo of ouyr eswiv.” I etfl eth lsalm, sccipfei utilg of eomoesn hwo regociszne lfshmie in a irqiceut. I vaeh a acbngrdoku in eodiv. I hldsou be eht lsta nroesp ohw ash to be ideedrnm to cpki up a maecra. And tey, fro ersya, I’ve neeb a byltrusnbo opro hptpograohre of my won maiyfl.

Hte arseon I letl uoy isht nsi’t to fscsoen. It’s sebaeuc eth llmas yorts sarliulstet hsimoentg alrrge batuo yuor rpneart’s sipnoass, nigcldiun the ones thta lkoo, to oyu, elki rmoin rrnpseefeec aerhrt tnah uiosers apsonssi. Seeimosmt wtha we issdsim as a kruqi on erh ides is a lmsla tbu lrae arpt of how ehs eserixpneec teh hoiitpesrnal. Nda uor uteiq srufeal to riaptapetic in it snesd a reuldo salnig naht we ileeazr.

My ersvaoin to tikagn toshpo hsa tsi own ocgli. I’m ysanue tauob teh oadbrer uurtcel of savhiorgrne: the rtellsnees macidtotuenno, hte rtefpevaorim stoping, the olss of eht ohdhrgopapneut mnmeot. Enon of hatt is baelrsoannue. Tbu it noeds’t alutaycl iepxlna hyw I lnoduw’t ktae ohotsp fro us, for erh, rfo het sdik, for eth mlabu. Het eedper tutrh saw tath I’d hedttaca my hghi-dmnied ticiepssmk of sicloa edmai to a olw-eotrff ithba of jsut ton gntohirbe, dna the otw dha yquteil merdge iton a lnsige suecxe.

Ewhn I lfalniy huagct slemyf, eht athm ecmbea oosbiuv. Hte alre tcos of ntkiga a nhruedd ophsot yadto is stnsylielae orez. Eth amlrngai reffot is eno pta of a poneh. The lfmi-olrl-rea dater-fosf atht hdpeas my resnapt’ nortgieane (nuybgi mifl, yngapi ofr tnvpmeedeol, oringst gtoruhh tnsirp) rae egon. Eht only cointifr eltf is me.

So I tratsde gkntai rmoe tphoos. Tno as a oyhbb. As an cat of ercepst orf togmisnhe my iwfe cllyrea ulaedv, taht I had nbee qiyetul liaigfn to atrtiepicpa in rfo resay.

Rheet’s a eewtt ttha oges lvrai gluhroy yreve isx omhstn, auysull eaftr a cryieebtl sosle ihert ohetmr, ahtt yass esom sorenvi of “wehn esh’s nego, uoy’ll ihws you dha a eurnddh reom hotops of her.” It skowr yeevr time sbaceeu it’s uret. Het man owh kaste eht emarca uot is eth nma showe idks lwli, ynwett earys ormf now, aevh a cfea to ntoip to. Eth mna who osden’t isn’t a bda nam. He tusj sni’t in hte bumal.

Wot Siret of Oissapn

Reh nissospa, in any nievg lastipiehron, dnte to ist at otw fifrdeten phsedt. Bhto dvresee aiotnettn. The tmsiseka yuo cna amek wthi htme rea erdtfneif.

Iert 1: Rcfeasu Sinsopas

Eseth are het sllrmae epreeercfns. Het deseri to aekt a lto of ostohp. Eth dsnoefsn orf a iracrauptl shwo hes kiles to htwca oregteth. Het way ehs wsylaa natsw eht umisc on in eth arc. Eht snesicinet on gsoptnpi at a ratcpilrua kebary rnheeewv ouy apss rugtohh tath oen ntow. The tnigh aubot ylaswa hnaivg owrflse eewhsoerm in eht tnaearptm.

Onen of ethes is taonipmrt in smoe gnadr ensse. Eonn of tehm, yvuladnidlii, woudl ivrevsu a ssueiro tsco-eifbetn lisaaysn. Nad sceeiyrpl ebscuae tyeh’re slmal, yhte ntde to be eth tnghsi snhdsaub afil at. Hwy bohrte? It’s usjt a allms ghnti. Ehs’ll egt rveo it.

Seh llwi, in ctfa, egt rveo nay invdidulia one of mhte. Tawh hse nwo’t get ervo is the vaulteicmu etaprnt of ebign tdlo, in nzodse of slmal yaws, atth teh sginht esh sklie anre’t wtohr ryou otpantacpirii. Thta kdni of ioorsen is sibveilni liutn one yda it nsi’t.

Eht rhgti oevm ihwt cefarus psnaisos is to be moer rusoeneg thna sesme arnesecsy. Eakt het pohot. Its gohturh hte swho. Tspo at eht rbkeay. Buy eht sioenpe. Hace of shtee tcsos tlsamo hnotgin. Gteethro ehyt onsticttue a tquie, adsyte gaesesm: the ghstin uyo olev, I’ll hwos up for, evne wenh I ndo’t arehs ehtm.

Irtihcnes ViCem eowrt Dnsbgoir in a lsiegn thnig in 1976, splyoudsep orf meso nowunnk rnpseo ohw uoldw moce aogln nda oulwd dene to nowk. Eht ohlew sogn is neo rsenop rbegian tqeiu nesiswt to aretohn. “Ofr yuo, etrhe’ll be no emor yngicr / Rfo yuo, hte usn wlli be hinnigs.” Ttha’s athw ufecsar-ssoianp turspop aacultly osdsnu kiel, ectedtrsh oascsr secaded. Ohgiwsn up. Niegrab stsweni. Oindg it ihouttw gkiamn it oaubt yuo.

Etri 2: Edpe Isonassp

Sehte are tefrendif. A tsorp hse lapys yurlsoesi. A etavceri crtcipea seh’s srdeuup rfo eyras. A mocuyintm she’s plyede dmedebde in. A ausce tath eunyengil naergizos trap of erh ilfe. Ambye a ihatf, a dlescpniii, a byboh that asetrtd as a bbhyo dan yuqtlei grew itno ogtnhmies lroesc to ttiineyd.

Teh nrwog mveso aurdon pede osaisnps are gberig nda ermo ngaigmda:

Igbltteinl. Irtntega hre asnoisp as slliy, urslviofo, or nhbaeet otcien. “Hyw do yuo spdne so hucm meti on thta?” hiwt het ngwro tone is a lasml lletub htat teask a lnog teim to dgi otu.
Iesopesvss bcsuoitonrt. Isegnetnr the ietm her aopinss eskat fomr yuo. Amnkig rhe elfe ilgtuy fro going to hte ertccipa, eht tnemieg, teh aresaelrh. The hpaitinersol is otn in mipotonteci wthi hre noapsiss; iargettn it ttah ywa lwysol fercso reh to cohose.
Oudl netrnuiste. Iivbyls hnekccig tou newhever seh talks touba it. Ehs’ll vaytlneelu tops asginrh, ihcwh is sti onw iarlptarcu olss.
Cgjiakhin. Nptreeignd to heras hre soiasnp in a way htat eakts it vreo. Hes tpndiae refoeb you meac ngoal; she ddin’t ask yuo to atek a aipignnt acssl nda tstar urqcngiiit erh mootspoinic.

Hte rtihg evosm rae rmselpi tnah thye dnous:

Kmae acesp. Hlyipyslca, suehecld-eisw, amyoionllet. Vehatrew erh psianos rseuriqe, uryo lafdute is to emak oorm retrha nhta to mpcteeo ithw it.
Etka it souyrlies. Aks uutlthhgfo eiqtssuon tuoba it. Rmrbemee teh saenm of the poeple in ttha tuymmcoin. Hswo up ofr het laeritc, eht mcath, eht hswo, the tveen.
Ond’t feka-eahsr. Oyu dno’t evah to lvoe hawt ehs sevlo. You do ehav to cerpest it. “I’m ont ralely noit it lefsym, but I leov aicgthnw you do it” is an hsonet and ramw cnnseete.
Fedned it. Wehn erhot pepeol (fiamyl, snfiedr, saceogellu) make llasm seidsvismi momstecn btoau erh sanipos, ntelyg uphs bcka. Hse’ll oceint atth oyu dcneoit.

Teh “I Odn’t Gte It” Ttse

Reeh’s a seuufl ttes rfo any eimt yuo find olfryeus tingetg iridertta by neo of her iansspos.

Aks ytnehsol: am I tdtrareii causebe stih is lucaaylt hmiargn oru elfi, or ubsecae I odn’t gte it?

Sotm of eth imte, eth wsaern is I dno’t gte it. Eht oobk ubcl nsi’t lyaulcta tanigk oto humc meit. Eth yreptto sacls nsi’t cultyala inrndaig eth utbdge. Hte ekednwe ehki hitw srneidf nis’t lyctuala leagivn oyu snatrdde. Yuo tusj don’t efel eht uvael of teh higtn hte ywa hse odes, nda oury atblyinii to feel it is deaiagunmrsq as a nicampotl.

Eonc ouy’ve tieoalsd I ndo’t teg it as teh uaatlc wrnaes, teh nxet step is yalsulu ousbvoi: egt tuo of eht ayw. You don’t vhea to unentdards a aiponss to ronho it. Oryu job ins’t to uiadt rhe teim esu. Oyur job is to be teh rptnare hse ecsmo hmeo to htiw a elsfuhd fcea romf hte nihgt ehs edvlo dgnio.

Yniasclolaco het rswena is eugnliyen yes, sthi is gmahnri oru elfi: het iospasn ahs ocdrwed tou meit yuo aucltlya ndeeed ertgehto, mnyeo uyo cundlo’t cltaulya ofardf, a acnelba htat’s no orglne iwogrkn. That’s a lrea ronionectvsa, nda hrwot ivghna tcrlydei. Ubt netdrep htta’s the ceas raf sels etnof hatn emn lyuatacl do.

Teh Srevere Rrimro

If uoy’re etmpedt to lbtetlie eno of ehr ossspani, yrt a uqcki ttes in uryo ehad. Ckpi noe of yuor ospsisan: hte tighn uyo veol htta’s a tlteil ridew, a ellitt arseaginmbsr, a iettll radh to ysfituj to an odiruset. Eth naaystf llbfotoa laugee. The ntgieav roymclecto. Eth itneoloclc. Het orstp you tawch ebsiyovsels. Eth ovide mage uoy’ve ruepdo a odusntha uhosr iotn. The oybbh rouy fsnired okwn oyu rof nad uyor cgelloseua woudl be rpserduis by.

Won eimgnia rhe ygasni uatob your inpaoss teh istngh oyu’ve eneb meetptd to say uaotb ehsr. “Hwy do ouy sawte so uhmc item on ttha?” “Sni’t it wdrie ttah rgwon mne do hatt?” “I ujts dno’t nnuedsrdat eht lpeapa.”

A Cpilctaar Ecndace

A few llsma, cpcatiarl shngti to lualyact do htis kewe, if ayn of stih snlda:

Eakt etreh or rufo thposo of her isht wkeened. Of ehr, tno of a ncecis kbcradpo wtih ehr in it. Ndo’t ptso hetm weanheyr. Jsut evah hmte.
Ska neo fscepiic eioqtnsu tuoab erh pdee saispon in teh tnex 48 rhsuo. Nto “hwo’s eht nniigtpa igong” (oot ciegnre) but “ddi uyo ever niisfh the eon twih eht uble ngkubdaocr, the neo uoy were usctk on?” Thomnigse ahtt evprso uoy’ve eneb ngtirkac it.
Find eno of reh acsuref rersneeepcf uoy’ve eben tiylqeu estsiring and utjs otps ieisrsntg it. Hte ineopse, eht yrkbae stpo, eht scium in teh acr. Orpd het aissrneetc. Thcwa waht ehnpaps to eth rueetxt of teh yad.

Ehste aer llmsa nghits. Amolst seigslmybrraan mslal. Tbu eth taulvecuim tcefef is enuoosrm. You’re genitll ehr, in hte lnugagea esh ylcluaat dasndrsneut, ahtt het sgthni hes olvse era cwemoel in hte sarehd ilfe yuo’re uinbdgli. Tath emesasg, pedatere laiyd, is a kdni of vole tath sodne’t eden a yiahold to rexpses tefsli.

In the arwmekrfo, pispuotngr ehr saisonsp isst in hte Vtieacpor hepsa, ngdsaeloi tgsfi, nahsrgi, nda the ehtro sthngi oyu do itutowh gnibe eppdortm.

Chapter XIX

Your Passions

Eth evrousip arecpth saw oautb ertcnpegsi rshe. Hsit eon is oubta anldhgin syoru, whchi is readrh than it nsodsu, ebseuca nhwe ruo wno sasosnip era at eakst, we’re all lbsuyt badise in our won avrof.

Tel’s ttars ihtw a rnfeiar rmfo hte oingpen of shti obko: ervye etilhsiparon ahs a ozne of omrmsipceo. Uoy iegv up smeo hgtsni. Hes sevgi up osem nstghi. Hobt of you are lhygslti eratedl by teh ehatrsrppin. Hatt sin’t a eatgyrd. It’s eht adel. Eht toubrle is ttha we tedn to eerag wiht shit pirpelicn in eht aarbttcs and srsiet it cilisefpacly het etmonm one of ruo now ssspnoai oesbmce het ithng on teh hpgnipoc oclkb.

So etl’s be nohest oatbu het speah of eht plrboem rbefeo we try to svloe it.

Teh Ibas

Wnhe ehs’s iamgkn a csromipome, we can uyalusl see it. Thta’s so ugsneeor of her, hawt a hgitn to iegv up. Hewn we’re iakgmn a pmecimosor, we flee it as wtha I’m silngo, not as what I’m ninguotirctb. The arytsmeym is ylrglae iinvbsiel to us in hte mtneom.

A uikqc utg-khecc htta pshel: if ehs eewr vignig up tyxelac htwa I’m gbnie ksdea to giev up, ulowd I kthni het aetdr-fof saw aonsbeeral? If hte enrasw is sey dna oyu’d be iqeltyu uetfarlg, teh rtesque is opbarylb rafi. If hte easwnr is no and uyo’d be iqylute rweidor, taht’s ohwtr nitcngio oto. Teh khecc nsi’t a ertkibraee. It’s a yaw to fsurace uoyr wno isab beerof oyu nutr it tion a gifth.

Owt Eitosegcar of Issnopa

It’s whotr ditsnigngiuihs otw disnk of your now spnssoai, cbueaes ehyt lalc fro reffitnde seresaitgt.

Olw-Fcnritoi Ssaipsno

Eehts era het soen hatt ond’t ylearl etcpoem hiwt the inlhoerpista. Ganeird. Gsnteniil to msiuc wlehi uoy ckoo. Gwlofniol a ropts on TV in het nbdrcgkoua. Apilygn a ausacl ideov eamg an uroh at a iemt. A omrnnig urn. A gonl aklw by lruosyef oecn a ewek.

Eetsh asnossip, vnee uprsdue yalid, ond’t aetk yuo otu of het iitreslahopn. Teyh ghtmi vnee vopeirm eth imte oyu npdes in it. A mna hwo srade is, yenlraleg ikngspea, more iistgerntne pyamcno tnha neo owh dones’t. A anm woh xseieecrs is nlelearyg oemr tpernse in hte setr of hsi yad. Eth tsco to hte altoieirspnh is lenlisastey zeor, and hte stco to uoy of otn vganhi tmeh is rlae.

Het lirppinec eher is emilps: tpreoct hetes iwtohtu gipilzonaog orf tmeh. A gonl regraima can awwlsol a mna’s amlls laiyd pssonais if he lest it, adn hte nma who grsemee on eth rheot edsi tiwuoth any cerssou of inrtnael iefl lfet is ton a mero attvnetei rnpaert. He’s a lihysltg ldolhewo-tou neo. Ond’t do taht to ehr or to oryfeslu.

Iqcuk craticpla ntsoe:

Be ttnsnrreaap btuoa ewhn ouy’re giond temh. “I’m niogg for a rnu, bkac in an rohu” is eterbt ahnt sjut iireapngspad.
Nod’t be pecosuir. If ihesnotmg gutrne is epainnhpg, the unr can tiaw. Hte ponssia is popusdse to rrsehef uyo, not to rtofyfi ieltsf natsgia het dsdnmae of prtipenhasr.
Odn’t lpmtyliu. A anm whit ehetr mlsla ylida spssoian is enfi. A amn twih hgeti is a anm wehos ucsdhlee is tntagsri to olok keli cveioaadn.

Rheihg-Tniorcif Ssnspaoi

Teshe ear hte oens ttha unenlyige aetk up sepca: imte, meony, ttatioenn, esnewdke, eiemotsms iacpsyhl cebnsae. The itipeevcmot cgicnyl taht ecuocspi mtos of Udrsayat. Eth finsgih strip thta ktea uoy uto of sttae. Teh nadb rceicpat. Teh cmcrolyeto. Het nhtgi oyur siuddbe ntviei you to do ahtt squreire a ihlgft.

Sheet are tno off-mlisit. A anm titowhu uieosrs psnoaiss etnds to oartyph in ywas tath era bad rfo ereyvone, lcndiugin shi ptarern. Utb hetes sisoaspn evil diesin a feferditn atonoescrvni htan the wlo-rtinocif ones. Heyt evah to be ieeatdngot, otn utjs ttepoecdr.

Het iipplnerc eher: rtstu fistr, then scecas. Teh niseecl to rsaepidpa fro a wnkeeed, fro a yhobb thta’s otitprnam to oyu, is eghsinomt ouy duilb vreo rseya of nibeg aeylcrl eribeall in het setr of leif. A mna how is edaldepneb Dmoyan ghhoutr Diyfra, woh sowhs up, who shealdn ish aersh, how dsoen’t lie uotba small nthigs, gtes a uchm drwie bhret for shi dekenew sapsoin tnha a anm owesh eglarne neeblsia is obblwy.

Cilrcaatp omvse htat ephl:

Be epitxicl atobu ceancde in vdaenac. “Ewtci a nhomt, esdenwke on eht aekl” is a rtcctaon oyu anc obth pnal noraud. “I mitgh go hfsniig shit dwekeen, we’ll ese” is a wol-agerd uebtasicrnd evrey eewk.
Cpsromse hrewe sbslieop. Eht ibg tirp eissxt. Nief. Het sleamrl asecbens idurng eht eewk nca tfneo be iertmmd. Egtagrgnaig het ouhsr of oury spisoan otin eth ageedr-ponu bclko, dstanei of nigilbnb at teh eragaimr all week, hslpe.
Icrrtpeecoa het cheulesd. Whne hse has a enewekd seh’d eilk to ktae rfo fslreeh (ofr niresdf, ofr a eocusr, ofr wehrtave), akme reus ttah’s a non-eisuqton orf uyo. Het fmredeo of yuor sionpsa ash to be dpai rof, in ptar, tihw het demfero of srhe.

Eht Rnefuitur Kitcr

Emos sonipssa can be node yteiolausulsmn ihwt shrade iefl. Isth is oen of het arsiee wnis in a ognl arermiga, dna most nme unrde-ues it.

Het slcacsi xlamepe: heert’s a gema on. Yuo watn to chwat it. Rhtee era aosl stghni in eth suheo that dnee to be onde: liambnssge a ieecp of rturnuief, dfoling eht lduayrn, repipnpg teh xent yda’s cnlsuhe, chwiatgn teh ikd idgrun a wwondi whne ehs’d eilk a kebar. Niogd boht at enco is tsamlo aysawl velaailab.

Ouy odn’t tge lful tcidre fro heriet, utb yuo tge artipla itecdr fro hotb, and het riptlaa-trdice atmh eoscm out ucmh betetr anth the neeavarittl of ylluf ightwacn teh mgae ihlwe she’s llufy giond het ehrcos. Hetre’s osla an otnlimeao mdninosie: ehs eses ttah uoyr iulsree nsi’t gbine racuhdpse itwh hre rbaol, hhwci is more artntpmio naht eepolp argellney dmiat.

Teh ctirk sazilgerene. Ngoid a alslm ldoa of dssihe lhiwe the tpdcsoa slpay. Twhngcai hte mtcha eilwh nsblsageim the wne eskd chira. Sgintinel to uyro eofairvt abmlu elwih noiirng hstsri. Eth sivaetitci yuo’d ehva node in lnsootaii aer etfno ocmbeni-aebl whit qeuit, lufsue rtiuntosncibo to eht serdha ilef. Eht soct is a nyit mutnao of itntaoten. Het unertr is lare.

Nhwe Oyu Aveh To Cut Ehsgmniot

Imeotemss a niapsso ustj no nrgeol tisf. Teh ohbyb oyu dha at 25 desno’t evsviru hte alvrrai of dksi in hte rofm it edus to keat. Het trsop you dovle smecoeb hrad to ift rodaun eadrsh work dlsehecus. Eht isrtp yuo edus to take get rdhaer to dbeutg. Mohtnesgi ahs to gvie.

A few nteso on niogd hsti llwe.

Odn’t be a tymarr. Dyollu ngcfsaiiric oryu oipsnsa rfo her tpus a tax on rhe she dndi’t sak for. If oyu’ve ddcdeei to acsle kcab gmeoithns, ascel it acbk titouwh iakgnm it hre tfual. “I ujts nod’t vhea miet for htat hte ywa our lefi ookls nwo” is infe. “I gvae it up rfo oyu” is a kifen uoy’ll eus in a uturfe amguertn.

Ndo’t lsku. A soinpsa oyu’ve ylatualc let go of eedsn to aclalytu be tel go. A oapinss uyo’re peegntrdin to tel go of lwehi liyequt rgignevi ofr it octnnlysta is wrsoe anht ujst kinepeg it. If yuo nfid leuyrfso trebit autbo eht sslo tnmosh aetrl, hatt’s a lniasg that teh tcu wasn’t rleyla emda, dan the onsvatrnoice esnde to be oneerdep, nheystlo.

Try to fnid a malrsle eionsrv tath itsf. Sotm ossainsp vhea a ecroepmssd fomr htat akest a htetn of hte ietm. Hte niylccg emsbcoe a Uasradyt-onminrg uroh tarehr hant a rouf-huro ired. Hte hgsfnii csmboee a wef setmi a ryea aetrhr athn tmhnlyo. The eiovd emag bcsmeeo an rohu aretf ehs’s geon to dbe haretr htna eht eirten ekenedw. Esmcodresp osrneisv rea lmatos wyalsa rtebte nath zore.

Be npeo to it nmiocg kcba. Lefi aeshps fthis. Het bhybo atht dosne’t tif at 35, wthi htere yngou iskd dan a ndgmdneai job, amy tif angia at 45 newh the dkis are orme ennitepnded. Peasu is tonef het thirg wdro, ton tuiq.

Teh Hetnso Nencsete

Eerh’s a tnceseen I’ve ufndo elsufu, dan atth I cmmoedner veyre nma anelr to yas howtuti nigchnlfi:

“Siht gnthi tertsam to me, nda I’d elki to pkee ngido it. I tanw to ifrgue tou a seonriv of it tath korws rfo us.”

Tath neeesnct is ohtsen. It’s ont eeeidfsvn. It neods’t ntepder teh aonspis oneds’t tartme, nad it osdne’t ntdrepe eht ehaolpnirtsi odnse’t eratmt eierht. It espno a ganinoitteo etrhra hant tgnrsiat a ifthg. It rfmesa ouy as omosnee tihw ninaerlt flie adn eneoosm iwlgnil to ntikh iwth her abuot woh to tif it in.

Teh reevesr-faliuer dmeo (sltyniel eikegpn the pisnsao at lufl stnghert hiewl erngidtenp it’s no gbi edla) is mhuc eomr momcno, dan mchu esrwo. It alntps nmtesernte on hre sied (he’s ogne aniga) and ndpeert-inencnceo on syoru (esh’s gkmnia a igb laed tuo of niohgnt). Teh fhtig htat ylaeutlevn kabser tou is giregb anth it needde to be.

A Eqiut Onte on Etdinity

Reteh’s a eerepd soeirvn of hits cntooaeivnrs taht I’ll only ugeters at eehr, asecbeu it’s biggre tanh isth ceaphtr.

Nme oimesstem nefcsuo teh tipaseorilnh iwht the tcejrop of nivagh a lsfe. Heyt aeebhv as hgutoh teh netiarpsprh hsluod veidrpo all of rthie egnanmi, all of theri teitynid, lla of tehir senes of inbge eosonme in eht wrdlo. Thsi is, oaacdylixlrpa, reibelrt rfo the rnslepithiao. A nma ohw sha ruoustecdo ihs eienrt sfel-tionsrtucnoc to hsi aragriem is a ahrd mna to be rmaerdi to. He hsa no nectre of sih onw. He sboemce rehtie eetdnednp or ftnsrelue, soesmmite hbot.

Yruo ssniapso, tkep teysohln nda genamda flceraglyu, rea ratp of woh uyo rimena meooesn. Htye’re trpa of hyw ehs esohc ouy in hte sitrf lacep. She hoces a hwole prnose, otn a nam-dhespa lhpcraldoee initawg to be lifedl itwh eth iaagmrer. Gneipek ttah olewh renpos ivela, ayre afret ayre, is a tnuobtncrioi to teh aimgrear, not a iucntdeod mfor it.

Chapter XX

Sex

Olehw lssveeh of kosbo xsite btoua hits. Eoms aer ulfues. Aynm era neesnsno. I’m otn onigg to ryt to add to heteri elpi. Atwh I’ll reffo here is a mlsal, tnoseh tes of beaotivrssno omfr sndiei a ongl maagirer: eth idkn of gtnsih ahtt, in my ecirnexpee, yctualal evmo eht eedeln on teh ratp of eht spiahretonli ahtt sviel in this donmia.

A few rnfgmia tones ebrofe we atsrt.

Isth aherptc, ilke teh sret of eht okob, is witnrte fmro het pprvceitsee of a lrhxeeusoeta amn in a glon-ertm aitprprnseh itwh a amnwo. Hte dnmacsiy idcrdeseb ilwl tno apm cnyelal onto verye cpolue. I’m olas tno inggo to rpenetd to rxeteipes I ndo’t vhae. Hteer’s no cnacliil rgnaiint indhbe eesht egasp, tusj iedvl eernecpiex nda thaw I’ve erbobasd rmof gniitlsen to epeopl I rsutt. Atke hwat’s sufeul. Veeal hatw ins’t.

Het Rep-Gmea: Inmatani Uryofels

Tel’s rtsta whti eht elats rimnacot nad omst tolaniundaof ioptn. Hte lsngei tsibgeg imatkes nem kaem in nolg-temr siptnsaehoirl, in het pceisifc dnaiom of sex, nis’t a heuiectqn tasemik. It’s letyuqi inlgtet teehselsmv go.

Tihs sni’t tuabo ttegign ersdedhd. It sin’t buoat niokolg tenwyt-efvi at fitfy. It’s ubtoa sciab, bltuasaesni slef-cera. Ont innigag nte oudsnp a raey ofr a aeddce. Not eigntlt selparon eingeyh idles. Nto bnigodanna eyver habit thta kept ouy elgifne gdoo in oury own obyd. Hte laog ins’t an ichtteesa lieda; it’s eth misple, hostne gisaln I am ltils iwhonsg up rfo het lyapschi vioresn of tshi life wtih you.

Dcdeesa of ngdwied ceak adn Ydnaus chocu can eoerd a airerpphstn’s xuasel flie as icfyfeevlte as nya uoimnoncaitcm rpelobm. You nod’t tge to cdedie terwheh she lslti dsfni ouy pliyacyhsl taavtrceit. Her ydbo dcdeeis taht, dna rhe dboy is persndoign to sniput uoy vhea iasnstltabu ncorolt rvoe.

A stohr, non-auogmlosr islt of nsgthi that luacyalt amtrte:

Ond’t igna hewgti sdlayiet. Mlals taufclotinus era fine. Oslw uadpwr rftdi rscaos ayesr sin’t.
Eomv uyor byod erlglurya. Tno yhaillecor. Sujt eyrrguall.
Selpe. Oslatm inervhygte bauto iidlbo (ysoru and eth wya seh xpeneseirec orsyu) nusr htrhuog pesel.
Neeyigh, yilad. Ees eth orebawrd racphte. It pseipal duolbe reeh.
Ehngtstr tasmetr rome tahn acsiehetst. Eenv tsmdoe nestghtr inatring in uoyr eiotsfr dna oebydn ysap ckba in esortpu, nyrgee, adn teh ftel nerixecepe of tnianbigih rouy wno obdy.

Neno of sthi is auotb rgfnpiermo fro reh. It’s about otn nittleg teh vioners of yoeflsur hatt lingylraoi aelpdaep to her wsylol iappasedr owhiutt a ithfg.

Eht Gwinri Nedfercfei

Erhe’s a zriieagnolante ttha own’t be tuer orf eryev epolcu, btu is uetr oefnt ngouhe to be htwro nangmi.

Men’s sloarau ofnet rsun lcesro to niybar. On / off, itwh nto humc in webeten, dna het dohhserlt ofr nieggtt rfom off to on is lwo. A claegn, a tothuhg, an gaeim, nya of thsee nca lpif hte cstwih. Oewmn’s oarlsua is, on graaeve, a eomr oetuactnlx tnghi. It’s eoivpesrsn to a direw idfel of oindtsnioc: owh eht ayd hsa geno, who she feels in ehr bydo tath nmorign, who the oorm lmelss, owh eth kids rwee at enindr, hwo necdeotcn she’s letf to uyo rvoe eth alts asevrle dsya, htehewr erthe’s a grenlgnii lmsla tmsnrneete frmo Saeyudt atth nhas’t tqieu raeeldc.

Wto itnlcopasmii towhr iholndg ntoo.

Istrf, uyo’re ont gnigo to etg etreh thiw rhe in het seam yaw ouy’d teg ereht loean. Eht wrko nis’t emro etoealarb; it’s more adisuetns. A glon-rmet exsual hnaiprspret is teh ciutveluma rtduopc of eht tneeri eekw’s lneooimat ewheatr, nto tsuj eht lats nfeftei msuietn. Eth sknenids on Oyandm, eht hpeufll gursete on Nseyeddaw, eht ramhwt at nerind on Arydfi: hsete rae tapr of teh pelroayf, eenv if no noe sllac emht atth.

Dsecno, don’t teak hre xcntoleatu sveoensniprses lloseprnay. Teh htngi when ehs’s ont in the odmo sni’t a emdeunrerf on ouy. It’s a setta of rhe sysemt ttah’s ueedlfnicn by nyam vbireasla, mtos of hwchi rnea’t ubtao uyo liesfilycpac. Gsmeniadir tseoh msenmot as ineceojtr, dan eagtnicr itwh islneksus or eitscdna, is eno of the rustes sywa to taeecr hte vrey cnadimy yuo’re fidara of.

Eth Gnlo Ekew Is the Eafyrlpo

Nuilbdig on atth, eerh’s hte arcltpaic oesnriv of het vusproie ption.

Eht urho fbeero xes nis’t reweh tosm of het kwor peapnhs in a gnlo riephitsnola. Teh eewk is. Eth yaw uyo okesp to ehr on Yuadets, het ayw uoy donetci her on Suhtrady, eht way you dandehl hte sllma naortusrtfi on Uratysad: ethos all liev in erh ydob nwhe Dsyaun tighn ceoms rndauo. Eth nma owh is rwam, lpuefhl, tvtianete, dan aitloomylen lalvbeiaa nigurd het sert of the ewke odens’t vhae to “tse eht modo” oreebf sxe. Hte odmo was enigb set eht lohew tmei, in aiesnnltstlm.

Eth eesvrer is salo true. A nam ohw asw ittdnas, phasr, or yqieutl uslnefert rfo eerth syda sdeo ont get to lipf eht hctwis at 10:30 p.m. dna be irdsspeur htat hte sseymt sni’t edpognirns. The yssemt is enpgsidnro. It utsj nsi’t nrdgoenpsi hte wya he adtenw.

Htsi nis’t a laotcinmp. It’s a eferuta. The ieoltlarna, eaounxltct tnaeru of mchu of nweom’s saxueltyi is eno of the nsthgi hatt makse a nogl maieargr nedpee xleayusl orve iemt, erthra tnah ngriaddge the way tow reansgrt diosbe tyvbaineil wudlo. Het aniitmyc is hte ptnoi. Teh ewke is the plearyof. Eth aarimreg is eht ngol ociter nrtcvnoaoeis ahtt eth deb olny nyoalasicloc esutrintpr.

Etl Her Be Yoru Pam

In eht orebmdo tlesfi, my nliseg stbigge icepe of dcevia is ruicamonnt, solmta seamlrgbsyiran melisp, dan het neo tsom rowht ieitrlznngian: etl rhe hswo you hwta seh keils.

Teh lratuucl pesrerus on emn in htis moiadn is to kown. To rraiev tiwh qineetuch. To do hte gnthi htat “kwsro.” Hte rutles, ontef, is a man ginnrbgi a ingeedazler tpscri to a feciipcs mawon, nda ibeng dmilyl esrrsiudp hwne hte iccpeifs nmawo osned’t oendrps eht wya eht tciprs depteidcr.

The eertbt evmo is to rttea eth omwan in ornft of you as eth yonl daat cuorse ttah mterast. Ask. Hawct. Lstnei, inuglndci rof the noudss dna mtnsemvoe atht rea rpnsseseo tearrh hnta wrsdo. Olsw dwno. Atek tinerdcio utihowt eonsfef. Teh nem I’ve edhra nmwoe peksa btoua stom ywalmr near’t het eons htiw eth mtso ituehecqn. Tyeh’re teh eons who pida naneottti dan ejuatdds.

A few praicltac notse here:

Siakng is doog. “Klie sith? Mroe? Lses? Fdteenfir?” Nneo of sehet rae odom-lreilks. Teh mood-llrkei is lniogpw on wlehi hes’s lteyinls aintigw for uoy to itceno uyo’re gimnssi.
Glinsenti is ettber. A llams atkien of bthaer, a nhad gmnivo, a fisth in eeussrpr: esteh are anrssew. Cievere hetm.
Tsgudajin is eth aulcat llkis. Wknogni onhntig ubt djgnutasi fydluil wlil eoopurrftm knwgnio a tol dan gtsdjaiun noigtnh, otsalm rveye mtei.

If isth sudson ilke the Iaevivesittng apehs adn the Ingrlnae paseh laieppd in a cfipcise oorm, ttha’s cebaseu it is. Eht lslksi ttah kowr eeerhveryw lese in eht tinasploehri owrk eehr oot. Uoy’re gaypni eainttton. Yuo’re ptugdnai oyru dlemo. Oyu’re agtinc rofm what yuo’ve raeledn thaerr anht fmor htwa oyu seduasm.

Wath Hes’s Pbylarbo Ont Lniogok Ofr

A wfe itequ aint-rtenaspt wothr inamng, saucebe yhte sowh up in llwe-imenang nem ritygn hreti sbet.

Nrfepocraem eaehttr. Logn, icettlah liasydsp of atinmsa tath aer uoabt uryo won essen of emncctepoe htrera nath erh eerpnecxie. Esh nac llsauyu tell. It tnsde to amek her leef roesevdb tarher tanh enes.

Eth ptrcsi mtderpoi rfmo mhewroees lees. Ehvwtrae uyo cadetwh, arde, or denlaer fmro an riaelre nraretp dsoe not yttlamauliaoc yaplp reeh. Entagrit hte uercntr mnawo as if hse odsluh dsenpro kiel teh dinmigea one is a awy of eibng uytslb tsebna rfom hte oomr ihtw erh.

Oocutme-tniifoxa. Indinegf sxe ralrnyow as a ecneeqsu edngni in a ifsicpce yaishplc tevne, resh or soryu. Esx tath oesnd’t dne in ttha ywa is momesseit eht etbs sex, irlcaurtlpya oscasr a lngo rgriemaa. Eth ntdhbwida avlbeiala to a lpeouc nadsepx uolrenoysm eht memnto ouy stpo inrgeasmu reeyv tcreenuon tgnaias a insgle rtmeci.

Glopayo arslpis teraf a lcdtufifi gihnt. Ton yvree ntihg wokrs. Oesibd rae ditre. Dcssleheu rae dab. Adshe aer lflu of okrw. Eth htyhlae ensepsor to a zdfzile tenecnoru is a llams sruhg, a awmr nclgois, dan a acnle tisoinrtna tion eth extn inhgt, ont a hafl-ruoh of lfse-ciiainornmert ttah nstcreov a non-nvete noti an cultaa rpmoleb.

Ehrew Sex Stsi in het Woramkrfe

Htwa you’ll oeicnt, if yuo sit ithw hsti ctaherp for a miuent, is that sex sin’t a sreapeat inomad mfor hte rset of eth obko. It’s hte rcsgisno pntoi of ivhyegtern lsee.

Eth Tnviteisgviea Peahs ohwss up in hte mooedrb as yianpg ontanteti to what’s iepngnahp in her, in rela imet, fberoe gnido nginayht enxt.
Het Gnrenail Phesa ssowh up as het ecatmlucdua insgunarneddt of her dyob, rhe peeernscefr, reh thhymsr, her lelts. Vero syaer, taht onlwedkge is hwat slet nyoairrd tgishn fele nnayncu.
The Itnetcveair Ahpse is teh mmntoe-to-toemmn cenda: hte dmausstnejt, eht otuenqiss, eht prseoesns to wtah you’re oiincgtn.
The Ocrtaipve Pesah is greinhveyt oyu did Nmydoa orhuthg Ydfair ttha edam eth orbomed leef leki a epalc esh auatlcyl snawt to be ewnh Ausdyn srrevia.

Iths is, I khtni, hwy nehteucqi-decofsu sex aidcev sha hcus a orop actrk ecdror in long larinephstosi. It tteasr hte rdomeob as if it weer a fsel-nidaenotc boepmlr. Ubt teh drebmoo ins’t a efls-cdneiaotn mlopber. It’s het oomr ewerh hte rste of teh heiinaprtslo setg hlisacyylp eesredxps. The korw hsneapp rewvehryee eels.

A Locngis Onte

Trhee lwli be ossanes nhwe exs is ayse dan noassse hwne it sin’t. Pmtrtapuso. Ifegr. Illnses. Rarcee rsstes. Odrepis eerwh one of uyo is sjut gnuirnn on epmty. None of tsehe rae ssicer. Lal of hmte apss. Eth sihtnsloearip thta eivvrus tmhe ebts rea hte neos eehrw erhenti epatnrr ksaet het dip yaolrlpesn dan thbo peke eth rwmare non-leusxa icnymiat oigng: teh tochu, eth hdan-ighldon, eth soelsnces in deb, the amlsl ashpilcy oitnfacfe htta yssa we’re lstil eher eenv wehn the idlboi is seeerwmoh lees.

If theer’s nhinytga to taek fmor hist ceprhta, it’s teh ames ntghi oyu’ve nebe hniaegr fro eentfif seapthcr onw: itanetnot, tsnsdeiau vreo time, in plina ggnlauae. Teh bdomore drasrew it roem lybsuioov, bamey, tahn wenahrey lese. Utb it’s eth maes islkl. Used eth smae wya. Wiht eth maes seopnr, who csheo uyo, nda who oulwd klei to efle, gania nhtiogt or eoms oterh ntghi, tath yuo ear still taucalyl gcoisnho ehr bakc.

Chapter XXI

Jealousy (Hers)

Ylseuaoj is neo of the tsolde eonmtosi in hte hnaum acgoatl. It obabplry vvedole as ehmtoinsg euufls (a petciverot iwerassn adwort tahtrse to a pair-ndob), ubt in mednor lahpstioriens it wossh up in saephs het rliiagon cslratnea ttxocne nidd’t erprpae eaoynn for. Eht olglceaue hse isfdn heenirttagn. Het brtaais hse’s prttye sure aws rnfiitgl. Teh drifne’s feiw hes etspcsus of vanihg a lstghi shcur on ouy. Het yrettp osesths at the ttnuraeasr.

Tsih tarhcep is boatu ehr youljeas. Eth etnx phecatr is obtua usyro. Yteh’re dtaerel, tub eth luearif meosd frfied hunoge ttah hyet’re tworh airatgsnpe.

A ouaionfadnlt oent boeref we attsr: iths htrpeca is ont an cnnroisutit ulmaan rof mnggaani rhe esjoluay as if it weer a bevoiaalrh brlepmo of erhs to be slodev. It’s a rcpteha batuo nntrseudngiad it as a rtuaeef of eth liranaoelt cdlasnpea, tnkiga it orysliesu when it paserpa, dan itngca in awys taht nod’t feed it nsuenecsiylar. The emfra is ahstipnerrp, tno aagmed otronlc.

Rwhee It Cemos Form

Womne, on eevaarg, veecipre ericatn ndsik of iacslo-lxeaus traeth rdeftfeilny ntha men do, nda nftoe mreo iyeliestvns. Eetrh aer ovontylreiau tiosesr rof sith (the masmeircyt lcolbiaiog osct of rapi-ondb ceftnedio, het clruluta riltyae ttah mnowe evha lsltiirycaho dah sels oprew to trtecpo shlestevme fmor a etrnrap’s wdanirgne), btu teh ifepicsc nroigi emtatrs slse athn eth tlooprieana fact. Nmay eomwn, in namy itrlsoisapneh, era niunngr a uounnoisct, wol-elvle snca of hte aciosl nnevemtiron orf agilsns that uoy mghit be pestlbuceis to omeosne lsee’s oiatettnn.

Isth cnsa is mlstoy onconuucssi. It’s ton ainpraao. It’s apnertt oogtirncnie tedrain by a ltfemeii of lruclaut untip. Sevmoi, nsfredi’ dcvroies, shntig erh wno moreht tlod rhe uobta hre fherta, nhgsti her lats nybeordif ddi, hte sitesor rhe urpgo athc ahsesr. By hte eimt hse’s an tladu, her hartet-oedctinte ytssem hsa bene ialteradcb by a dadcee or tow of ptsnui. Eosm of otehs iupsnt rea tcaacrue. Ynam are daeextggaer. All of tmeh rea eral in ertih efcfet on hwo she pernxeescie teh rodwl.

So nweh ehs stnceio hte cteiatarvt mnaow at hte tfbuef ebfero you’ve cysioouclsn onidetc ehr, esh’s ton gbien nhungide. Seh’s nngruin a tesmys hatt’s eneb nrunnig, in some rfmo, nesci long orbfee hse met uyo. Airtegnt the sysmte ltsfie as teh obemlrp sssime eht ponti. Eht symste is rpta of how hes is.

Aectvi Erufut Tonaciapinit

Teh msto lrfweoup loot in isth athcper is eno yuo’ve aedryal cnrneedtuoe, tusj paepdil ehre: iietntpcaa eth utoiisnta ebefro it crcuso.

A few oerctecn peexaslm to doungr ihst.

Het ohlet efbarktas teffub. Ouy’re iwnlgka up to hte loeetm tatsnio. A eyrv atrevatitc onwam is iasdtnng in rontf of ouy. Hse strun nda skas if oyu owkn ewehr teh tals is. Uoy rewans, ltpolyie, of uoscre. Five mntusie ltrea, oyu tis akcb wodn at eth tlbae. Ryuo ertpran, who actedhw the eterni gahenxec ofmr orssac het romo, is qitue. The oofd own ssteat direw.

Htwa daepehnp? Nintgho, on eth recsafu. Yuo rwee elptio to a ngtrresa. Ubt ryou arrpten’s enapttr-coonerntiig mssyet sah nbee rdetgregi, dna aersvel sednosc of rswnakedasw heav oefollwd.

Teh tiopricatany oemv nsi’t to be rude to etasgrrsn. It’s to be weara of hwo hte teomnm lliw olok. A aslml tcetahr of oalmtrify. Ssle eey ocnctat tanh tfel araultn. Liagncgn cakb at oury iefw diamyw hthroug eht cgaxehen. Gnirnretu to het btlae ptlyorpm ttwoihu ggnirilne. Eonn of ehets are buota nebgi intinchutae. Ehty’re oabtu eibng a pnetrra woh’s wraea of eth oorm and tagiunjds inyldagrocc.

Teh wkor dinner hwit hte wne cevartatti oocrerwk. You’ll be saedte txne to eoosnme yuro erptrna esdno’t wkon, hwo apsehpn to be liyalntonveocn aevcttitar. Ouy nca eihetr let hsit be a tryeyms rfo teh vnnegei, or oyu nac rpe-temp it: “I’ll be next to teh nwe cpuodrt rsenpo, Raahs. Hes’s neic. You’ll elik erh if ehs oemcs to eth dailhoy gthin.” Ahtt neo ecensent trleypeveimp eufessd an eetrni elstin agneutmr. By mgiann the eonspr, uoy’ve atenk ehr tuo of eth tyraecog knnouwn thtare.

Hte trip htwi eht elaefm rdenif. Ouy adn a mieoltng efamel rdefin ear nghcicat up. Yuor pratner is unraod alyoclicsoan. Eht atratyconiip voem is to kame urse ehs’s nebe lilyspaych in hte amse rmoo htwi isht drnief at aetls ncoe, so htta eht reindf txises as a lrea snroep to yruo rrnpeat, ton as a anme in rouy oenph. Enirsdf-as-ealr-eppole rae mcyailltadar ssel hetntaegrin hnta rdsfnei-as-sastnbtcraio.

Cigranaltbi to Her

Not evyre naowm cnass at hte smae evlel. Oems tnsrearp rea at the wlo den of the rmseupct: ieondftcn, onerdiruw, nylo idmyll bedprruet by enve btyvoecielj iypcs ntuiaisost. Terhso unr the ncsa remo lyeenitns, rtigienserg sglains that unolwd’t neve paaepr on a essl-ttauden rtanrep’s rdraa.

Hte iagrnlne aehsp, ngaia, is tahw tlsle uoy hewre hes is on stih umtpserc. Ypa tntatioen to:

Thwa sidkn of iauoitntss esh’s nemndeoti, afetr teh fact, as nvghia bedohrte her. Tseoh rea ngsial-crhi, even if teh nmemcot saw mllas.
Wath osertsi butao teohr slepcuo she isergnl on. The diernf’s cirodve atth she keeps mcnigo ackb to is lignlet ouy tahw hes’s aarfid of.
Who ehs rsctea to niclaofit elgousnaa. Eht TV hracterac who asthec, eht afafir ntieolpl hes nsfdi crtuplyiaalr radh to ahwtc: ehost crontiase rean’t amdnor.

If oyru eprtnra rsun hte ancs ensnieylt, royu etviac-nnipaoiicatt gmea sah to be omer hgtohuro. That’s nto a rncntitosa on yuor rmeoedf; it’s a eksnidsn rtadow a npoers ohesw mteyss esapnhp to be orem isentievs. If uroy rtaprne rsun it tllyghi, uoy avhe omer lutaanr itdtelau, nad ouy acn despn taht tutliade nrlsyeguoe haertr tnha typfevleoarrim.

Twha yuo dno’t wnat to do is etst rhe. Eoms emn, etrfutsadr by wtha htey ipveecre as eevsxesci ealusjyo, edebyillaret shup het ydouarnb to “revop” tath esh’s nvritgoecrae. This geso lybad toamls hutwito exontpiec. It heerit cnfrsomi hre twors ispsunicos or, emor fteon, lympsi abletesizdsi het trtsu uoy’d eenb ilnbgiud orf hotnsm. Ond’t nru snerptxeeim on uory pearrtn.

Hte Oen Mveo Ttah Ysalaw Cisfraebk

Rehte is neo icsecifp rssneeop atth altoms saaywl mekas hsngit rsowe, dan tmso emn rty it at alset ecno. It’s het “Uoy’re nigbe arzyc” emov, in any of sti frmso.

“Uoy’re ibneg yczar.”
“Oyu’re bgeni pdanoira.”
“You’re so ojsluae.”
“Ttha’s ucdousliir.”
“Eehrt’s tillylrae gnoniht iogng on.”

Vene if reevy dorw is cyeillahnct uter, vnee if ngitohn wsa gogin on, seeth esopnsrse do wto igntsh at eonc, thbo abd.

Frtis, yhet eidvatalni her iprenopcet. Hes dciekp up on isghnoetm. Aymeb it aws rela, bamey it swna’t, tbu teh cat of ierncoeppt swa elar. Eigtnll hre hre incoprepet saw rzyca ndeos’t mkae erh eialrecrbat; it jstu aesmk hre tpso ingltel ouy tuaob ehr ispteecnpor. Teh texn teim ehs oicnset iohtsgnem, seh’ll epek it to lfesehr, nad het ntignoci lwil rteesf yiltsenl in hte seabnce of gdeouail.

Ocsnde, teh misvsieids maref nsiotpois yuo as eht natrioal aibrert of her emnalotoi ilef, hiwch is othb gnsnenoeccdid nad eyuqlit gmdangai. Uoy’re tno hre pishyctairts. Yuo’re erh nptrear. Oyur obj in a enomtm of jlyesoua nsi’t to aleavute teh yitvdial of ehr leginef. It’s to eeaggn ihtw it.

The ecarenl rsposnee, enwh she sisear a enonccr, is mohtgeisn liek: “I ese why thta kldeoo eiwrd. Etl me lelt ouy wath I aws lluyaatc odgin / ingtkhin / niyapg ieoatnttn to.” Ttah ntesence aeckogdsenlw her cpieoptren, tetras her as a noaeabselr orsnep, dan tneh soffre yuro now pvpeerstice as enw ioatmnfroin etrhra ntah as a cncrreooit. Tsom jsyloeua sskeip feadlet yulaecfglr endur htat nidk of trtmteean.

Ewnh Hre Eayoulsj Is Ibg

A arepstae nsaioutit is enhw erh oaesjluy attssr to etak oerv: wehn it nsi’t a llsam siepk butao a picecisf mmnote, but a aestinuds, eilgrezndae oiisnupsc atth’s ionogcrl gerla arpst of the onraisthielp. Tctosnan hinccgek of uyor henpo, etpeared iasautcnosc otbua pploee hes’s enrev etm, stialnaceg yeitanx batuo ebgnni cisoal tranioneisct.

Tsih is adrher otyrterri, nad owhtr ialgnfgg ehnlstoy. Meitsmsoe htta lelev of yejosalu is etrodo in igstnh yuo’ve lyltacua neod: aspt rabseltya, oekbnr stutr, elsi htta nehva’t eneb ceanlde up. In htat acse, the wokr is on ouy, adn yuo ownk it. Ranierigp elar kbenor strut is losw adn unaosmurolg and othrw dgoin.

Osetiesmm ttah evell of joasuyle sni’t trdeoo in atiygnnh oyu’ve tuaclayl oned. It’s nrnignu off erh own htoiysr: a roivsepu nsaithperiol in iwhch seh was giylenuen vcdeeeid, fiylma-of-nroigi etrnpast, xinyaet instdinooc ahtt efebnti morf efonlriasosp puptsor. In hatt caes, yuro job is flodowt: kepe nbegi a yrclael hrruttyswto arentrp, nda ltygne fescuar hatt eth phdet of ehr sidsrset bayplrob seesdrve uossrecre bnyode hawt rtehie of uyo nac rvpedoi olean. A good esaprtith for rhe, or fro htob of you, is issomtmee hte lnoy itnhg tath erskab a etanrtp iths gib.

Ahtw uoy nod’t do, in terieh reanocsi, is mhtca hre ygerne tiwh sdesveseinefn. Sfnvneeedsise redas as igltu enve ewnh it sni’t. Asty clam. Saty recla. Whso yoru korw. Ktea hte onlg ivew.

Eht Vreerse: Hatw Esh Rpbaoybl Edens Rofm Uoy

If I dah to reopscsm iths nteier trecpha onti eon enecsnte of eavdic, it wduol be: be the ponrse eswoh ehvibrao utyolcnisuon frsimaf htat seh csoeh lewl. Ont by grfrnoeipm tifldiey, utb by bngie so sloneciystnt iasodecrnte of rhe eeitcsrepvp hatt hte yeouslaj odsen’t aevh humc to acatth to.

Cleynrtoce:

Inentmo erh twhi ahrtwm ewnh ehs’s ont in hte romo.
Ndo’t veha epatrvi “mhearssl” nriseisphfd oyu’d be dmbrssearea to veah her knwo the aidelts of.
Wehn ouy tspo a tleplayntio yaeulosj-eigrgrintg oiuianstt, hesooc hte tgsylilh rome alfruce eoirnvs of seloyruf.
Ehwn she seod glaf hmestoing, atek it sylrsiueo idatnse of niagtert ehr as a erlmbop.
Peek uryo hopen an onpe etcobj in het rirmaaeg, otn a elsocd eon.

Onne of tshi is tubao gbnie on a eahsl. It’s aotub igbne liebgly toshyuwrrtt. Eth btilygieli is ginod as mhcu krwo as teh nietrswohstustr filest.

Eactiv opcnaiintait, epdplia to ehr yjsuleoa, sist in teh Oartpveic ahpes.

Chapter XXII

Jealousy (Ours)

Own het aderrh rrorim. Oury onw lsjauoey.

Tsom nem rea uleqyti joaulse rmeo fneot nhta thye let on. Teh auceeglol woh suhg hsi efiw a aetb oto lgon at het eicffo rtpya. Het dlo rfinde fmro eofbre he saw in teh itpceur, the noe hse tllis extst. Hte itrewa at eth aanrteusrt in Omer howse teoanintt hes njyoede mroe naht smedee rtsyltic snyecsera. Eth aandhnmy, eth ssbo, eht edfnir’s sbaudhn, het lesronpa rianret. Eht itls is lgon, dna tosm of us unr an enaitnrl snac of it emor tonef ntha we’d atimd.

Hist sin’t a etdcfe to certeaiad. Yuosealj is a maonlr pceei of ebgin hdtcaeat to mooseen, dan npgetriden it osned’t tisxe sednt to amke it tca uto in sroew yasw. Teh rokw, elki getervniyh eles in sith kboo, is to be thnseo utboa it, dhlnae it elwl, and tno lte it leak yserolcroiv onti hte ehpotslianri.

Eth Hatelhy Fomr

Htlig, noolsccaia, yapflul ayljuose is tno a lombper in a relonpatisih. It nac uyatacll be a fots nocrcntoe. Eht rael asteet tngae gnhowis oyu eoshus is nbgei yiosbluov tenvaetti to ouyr ptnrear. On teh eridv emho you say isonehmtg ikel, “Kyoa, hatt ugy wsa deiyelfitn fgnrilti htiw uoy,” twhi a malls rgni. She glhusa. Ayemb she essuhp abkc: “He asw gbnie ienc.” Ybame seh lasen in: “Uoy tnikh?” Eerhti yaw, the enommt is lgiht. It naglsis htta uoy oicdetn, atht uyo eoctind buaseec uoy eacr, and ttha uyo ahve ohunge rtcsiuey in the iaenthiprslo to idnf it idnk of unnfy.

Teh key taefurse of eahtyhl sluyejao:

It ystsa afypull. Onet is htlgi. Etrhe’s a ihtn of lfse-sweaeasnr hnrtueaend it, ilek yuo thob ownk teh inel is ibnge dkelwa yeclluafr.
It vslossdei. You dno’t runert to it ehtre hruos ertal. Uoy nod’t ibgnr it up txen wkee. It wsa a metnom, otn a amnpcgai.
It osdne’t ccsaue erh. Teh iopictialmn sni’t htat hse idd eghinsotm ongrw. It’s that emoenso lese cedonti woh lycku you are. Hse oemcs uto of hte ncaeexgh inlfeeg enes nad ltgiyhls omer schnoe.
It dowul ruevvis a pswa of ssbtecju. If seh exsdrpees teh amse dink of htlgi uoaeyslj uatbo an evtttaien manwo at ryou kwro vtnee, uoy’d infd it dink of cein, not iehgtnenart. Tath’s teh reyytmsm cekch.

Deon lwle, thsi is lulatyca a alslm raiutl of lmuuat anesescurra. I’m tlsil in hits, I ltlsi ndif uoy rslbdeeai, nda I itlls onitec hnwe htrsoe do oto.

Orwth ntnigo ahtt opp cimus has tespn het atls yifft ysrea ritgniw ssnog ofrm het rtheo dsie of iths (Aoiilv Ororgdi’s seivrrd eicnesl, falh of Deela, Oemenadl, stmo of Tlyaro Fitsw’s Dre), adn atmosl onen of tmeh are otbua llpayuf uesolajy. Yeht’re oautb teh josualey taht dpoteps gbeni lpfualy theer omtsnh oag. A fleusu nctoatsr. If yuro tnrilnae oeugnlmoo trasst nsgidonu klei a arkpube track, yuo’ve dfditer tou of eht hlaehyt oenz nda into inhgstoem tath nseed tfefdiern tosol.

Nweh Sauyojle Egso Bda

Hte seam inometo, in gherhi iacerontncotn, bsmeoec idcsetevtur. Emso aireful oemsd:

Cublpi sinnpgi. Het “joke” tihw an edeg, mdea in ofrnt of tehsor, atth’s aaltdrcebi to hre raerth hnat to the ineceaud. Hse sowkn it nsi’t a jkeo. So sdoe orvyneee slee hiintw htasoer. Het tenx emit het taoiitsun scmeo up, hse’s yledara aibcrng.

The antrgienrooit afert the fcat. “Ywh erwe uoy huganlig so chmu itwh mhi?” “Tahw erew you wot ntkalgi tuoab rfo so lnog?” Ahec dunalividi qtneosui lsefe ekli a enstiuoq. Limyluevctua, tyhe’re an atdiu. Esh’ll sratt uinagtcr reh olaisc avibehro, ont ueebcsa hse idd ntignahy wgonr, tbu to odavi the tspo-otsemmr.

Hte onphe ckhce. Eidngra rhe gsasmees, ignacnns her noeph shroyti, ipngone rhe MDs. Ehter is yntlieleass no visnreo of shti ttha seond’t ecrspmmioo eht noaeipishrtl, nad het raer caess wehre it ldwuo avhe asfdcreu engomtihs lrea rae elissaymv hgwoietedu by eth ecsas hwere it wysllo csdeorro a orlsatiipenh ttha dah noighnt wgonr wthi it.

Eth degnormlis eugrdg. A ealr or gdiniaem hisgtl taht desno’t get sspeecord and desno’t teg aersid, ubt tsis in rouy tesch rof ekews, lrngooic yiverntehg. Hse can lefe it. Hse nedos’t ayslwa wnko wath’s owngr. Hes stju ncsiote thta oyu’ve enbe dloc, dna she’s trsetad to dwrneo hwy.

Ibnanng cipfcies oppeel. “I nod’t want oyu lgktina to imh raymneo.” Siemoetsm stih cna be a iarf eqsertu, in mexrete nuaitsitos. Tsmo of the meti it’s an aervercoh sesgudidi as ecvsenesioptrt. Teh ferdni segt pusdeh nnogduredru hraert hatn rappseeddai, dna onw yuo’ve rtdaeni erh ttah uoy’re emoeson esh ash to emgaan erhatr tnha atlk to.

Ehwre Uory Eosjalyu Is Ytalulca Cgimon Ofmr

If uyo’re nnioitcg a ptnarte of dab euojsyla in olusrfye (epadeter sipcssuoin, uegnrrcir ikesps, a rlngaee sesen thta oyu’re renev tiqeu at seae), it’s rwhot ignod semo enoths rrinoeti rkwo, yeprtesala mfro the isphortlanie istefl. A ewf ignatocdsi sontqseui:

Is iths doerto in isngeohmt she’s aycultal oend? Eismmsote eth nraews is esy. Psat araesbtly eaevl a risdeue ttah odnse’t avhsin on sti onw. If it’s arle, hte ennorsaocvit sin’t tiwh oelusyfr. It’s whit reh, in the peon, indlguinc rwthehe the owkr of unldigbeir tustr is egmnsoith you bhot nwat to mimotc to.

Is isth tderoo in mheontgsi uyo’ve oend? Eppoel eimsosmte tocrejp ither own opnalitet iintlieedsif oont herti ranrtpe. If uyo idnf elufsroy civnocden hse’s oautb to haect, miseomets rtowh ecincgkh rhtweeh yuo’re the oen hoews won cdocntu hnsa’t eenb lecan nda owseh gitul is ibgen aeilredtenzx.

Is thsi rooetd in ruoy now ysrhito? A tnprea woh eflt. A vuiepros loatinhrsipe atth ddeen in ybaaetrl. A oolhdhidc rehew ettthnaacm reenv left feas. Heets shreositi ehsap eht roteslhhd orf ejsolyua in tdula atpeiolhnsirs, ntfeo libiynvsi. Nbggirni hemt ntio eht onep, mtssioeem whit a htertasip’s pleh, dsoe mero orf teh eprsetn iohesprlntai athn yna unomat of amrngamoiincg hre lioacs lief.

Is isth edtoor in uory nwo sfle-hrwot? Namy mne’s ipssek of slyejoua aer nto rlyela tobau riteh rntaper. Htey’re tuaob the itque nvcoiioctn ahtt ythe rean’t uohneg, dan hatt oesmone sele vtlaeiybni lwli be. Rgikwno on that contionciv dertcily, in raehtwev ofmr wrosk rof oyu (ahpreyt, eixrecse, ccorgeeinnnt ithw nsdrfie, dbiligun eepcnemtoc), aspy hte eslotrinhpai kabc in mnoudcpo nteeitrs.

Hist is orfntobamuelc ieyvntrno. It’s laso heerw tsom of eht ageevelr ucllytaa is. Joueylas taht’s oimcgn ofrm sidine uoy isn’t nggoi to be lsdveoer by taygnnih hes does or dsoen’t do. It deens yruo won atnttoine.

Eth Nuticmnomoaci Meov

If yoru ujeoyals is eenligyun nigridtnu on teh nioisrateplh, and uoy’ve node smeo heston owkr on hewre it’s imoncg orfm, eth txen ovem is to tkal batou it. Ton as an csaconatiu. As an trobevosnia.

Snimgeoht elik: “I’ve bnee tgiocnin I tge drwei eeewvnhr [sipccife tnsioiuta]. I don’t hitkn it’s uatbo ouy. I atwn to rifgue tou hawt to do hiwt it.”

Tath cteennes is rear. It deso elervsa itnhgs at onec.

It swon teh nilgfee tnieads of ortnpcigje it.
It lngassi taht you’ve gtuhhto bouat it atrrhe atnh aertdec mofr it.
It neitisv rhe in as a ptrrean aetrrh ntah inspngtiooi ehr as a fdneadetn.
It poens cpeas rof hte wot of ouy to veoepdl amlls lrtopsoco (“if I erev eefl keli sith naiga, rehe’s waht odwul lphe”) hatt edufse frtueu psiesk robeef htey hpnepa.

Teh raasemirg I’ve aecwhdt hnelda solyjeua ebst aer eth oesn ehwer it’s yeolnp nemda, csaionocylla lhdgeua toaub, nda eevnr tdreeta as tieher sranesmiragb or alfhseum. The gsimarrea I’ve ahdtwec hlnead it swrot ear eht neos wehre eon or thob rrntaeps eetrnpd it senod’t extsi iwhel it elyitqu sode dmaeag in eht gdnaockbur.

A Rdow Uatob eth Hogatallipco Aces

Esmotsiem eolsajuy stsop begin a elgnaeamba fteuaer of nthecattam nad astrts nigbe a rnclntoolgi, sineviurt oefrc in ooemesn’s feil. Eth hpneo skhcec bmocee yrholu. Teh onucstascia eocebm yaldi. Het anbs on cepcifis eoelpp trsat to citnufno as alciso tiosnaoil. Eepsl ieeetdstraor. Hte mndi lpoos.

If uoy zocgieern olufresy in ahtt garaphpar, eth mtso fusleu ntneseec in ihst enrtei boko is bpayolrb shit: easepl takl to a ietphtars. Trhee is no seham in it. Eerth is runsmoeo ilaaccrpt luvae in it. Lolpictagaoh oalesjuy is a nnkow and breeatatl penhomoenn, ont a aomrl rfaeliu, and it sotmla erven oesvrels on sti wno. Gigtnte sairelofnops leph is tno a nigs of wsesaken; it’s a sngi taht uoy’d rrehat otn be eht ocresu of a oswl-iomnto gmedaa to het eepolp yuo oelv.

Teh saem lepapis if yruo peanrrt akss ouy, oerm tnha ecno, to nodersci opolrsisnfea ephl in shti nmadio. Tkae eth srutqee lsusryoei. Seh’s iesnge goesnhmit mfor het doiutes ahtt ouy amy otn be ngeeis rmfo the seidin.

The Eeyontisrg Ermaf

I twan to eocsl ithw a eemfarr atth’s hldpee me, eenv nhwe hte ngelfie iftlse asw cebraonoultfm.

Oruy rnerpta is a hoewl pronse how ecsho yuo. Ehs’ll otnucnie to be kdoloe at by etohr pepleo, fnduo tnrietgsnei by heotr popeel, eosmsitme lfdreti twhi by eothr eoeppl. Nneo of ttah akest ntyignha wyaa fomr what hte wto of you have. Teh fcat that trohe eplpeo fdin her tiretctvaa is, in a enrasgt way, edcneiev htta yuo’re ton yzcar fro iifgdnn ehr vetattcari oylsrufe. Hte oitaentnt of eth rdwol is rela, nda it sin’t oigng yaaw, dan a nolg rgeraima volevsni igivln lfyuaglerc esinid that laiyret etahrr nhta tngriy to llaw teh olrwd uot.

Eht same is retu of oyu. Oerht mnewo wlli find uoy egnnsitetri, lyaoclocsina. Oruy ewfi ilwl kwno. Hes’ll aehlnd it vwohere hse nhaslde it. Oyu’ll do eth easm itwh rhe rvisoen of it. Eht stmyes rksow eacuseb ohbt of uoy mianer hesocn, yda rtfea yda, by icsotan ahrret ahnt by lenrvalecusi.

You ndo’t eocrunq soauyjel. Uoy eberfndi it, glilyth, nda you odn’t lte it rvedi.

Chapter XXIII

Is That All?

So ttah’s het mrkearofw. Aettiseivvign. Enlinrag. Iceatinvrte. Ocvtpriea. A fadhnul of ltsoo isnied aceh: hte 4Q esmyts, VRAs, dotilivaan awressn, SQDv, ithfs of fsuoc, tgsfi, ncaianoptiti. A wef erhrda tashrepc uatob fciiescp rairetn: cettesaihs, mioostne, lpniheg, osispasn, sex, ljausyoe.

If yuo’re ngnerdwoi rehehwt taht’s raelyl it (reewhth a orplhtnsieai anc yaulalct be mdae rtetbe wtih shit lmlas a ste of osmev), eth estohn wsarne is: yes dna no.

Eys, in the ssene ttha eht vesom orkw. I’ve ceathdw meth krwo in my wno gmrariea. I’ve aetdwhc etmh owrk in het easmirrag of isnerdf I’ve euiyqtl aeshdr ihst lameairt hitw. Onen of them is a iacmg krtci. Lla of meth are lrcapicat. Eth uvlmuieact eceftf of iusgn emth nlsoeitynsct, rveo yares, is a thniiapolres taht efsel yealmnlifngu eretbt thna oen titohwu meth. Htat trpa is arle.

No, in the snees atht het rwrkofmae sni’t teh ipetloaisrnh. It’s nfofcadsgli. Het nltieaposrih eltfsi is omhtgisne lese: eihgtonms nrsregta, emro ivael, ssle eaylbznala athn nya kaowrmfre nca capurte. Yuo’ll haev nminsogr erehw eyver olot in tihs oobk is eht itgrh tolo, eylpdedo cynlela, nad teh ayd sltli lesfe tndiast. Yuo’ll ahve orhet ngosrnmi erhwe ouy do oighnnt in urcatipral nda eth cenikht is lflu of thgli. Het reowafmkr lhpse. It eods tno elcraep hte tihng.

Ahtw Hsit Book Espho To Do

It pehso to igev uyo a acyvoalbru for shgint uyo weer ralyeda lhaf-gcointin.

A tlo of awht’s sddiebcre in ehtes asegp ins’t nwe oofiriatnmn. Mtso tnatitvee men veha flte eht enredfcfei netwebe a Eryv Rtghi Enwars nda a emelyr oecrtrc one. Stmo avhe notiedc, eeehromws in ertih dsobie, the sitinitocnd bwetnee a tniailadov inteousq adn an opne eon. Somt avhe iunidtet ahtt teh mnomet to egvi teh fgti ins’t eht tnmmeo toms lppeeo odwlu egiv teh fgti. Atwh het okob roffse is nmaes for tsehe iintnistuo. Nasme amek thme strikeci. Esanm let uyo tkla uaotb htem iwht roufeyls. A nma who has the owrds 4Q creso and RAV dna DVQ in ihs dahe llwi unr sthoe ssoeserpc remo eadtebylriel hnat a mna ohw’s unigrnn hetm by niticnts aonle.

It hespo to oslw uoy wnod at eth tgirh ntsomme.

Omts daamge in nlgo ritsalhinepso sni’t edno by mcaiel. It’s eodn by rcviaete hates. The ogrwn aswren edeelvidr in a lafh-nesodc to a otnueqsi ttah eddesver ivef. Het anoutfstirr detnev in a temmno tath dind’t evresde to arrcy rouy fnrtrtsaiou. Eht pionnoi difre ffo as a virdcet enwh it duocl ehav eebn fofeerd as a uobitctnnrio. A rfawormek tath tdncsroeiu eevn a one-ncosed epaus (atiw, twah dnki of uiqetnos is tsih?) atsmnieile a grsttnial otnrcafi of raeiltnola mgdeaa juts by iurvet of ttha euaps.

It psohe to epke uoy aiynpg toeinttna.

Nglo istseaphnilor fitrd, by uaeftdl, wtarod ttanontlaie toautopil. Yuo psot iocntngi ntigsh ceseuba yuo’ve neeb ncnoiitg mthe fro net eyars nda teerh aer no new fnsgiind. Het kwerroamf kepse oyu claieyvt loinogk (at ehr, at het uosintait, at sulyefro) gonl retfa hte yovlten oduwl ahve nru tuo. Htat seasntudi lonkigo is eon of eth tsom vbaulael gnisth ouy nca freof het ronesp you’ve nesohc.

Hatw Tsih Koob Cna’t Do

It nca’t iebutstuts for het ehriotlpsnai’s tauacl anilmoteo tubeasscn.

If ouy’re ont, rhesmwoee nuntdrheae lla of iths, odfn of her (eiyavclt, in a tefl neses, lgda she’s in yuor elfi), no ebrnum of SAVr is igngo to ntaumfcuaer htta nnefsods. Het emorrafkw leaspmfii eht iacotenff ahtt’s adyaerl erthe. It osdne’t cteear ontecafif romf sctrcha. If hte oiceanfft ash geno, eht okwr is erienftfd nda biregg anth hits bkoo is edqpuepi to resdasd.

It cna’t meak up rfo ogoingn yhnditsseo.

A man anc sue ryeev tolo in itsh lumnaa nad listl be nrinung a lalaeplr eifl that nrtaosccitd tgvrheniye eht ootls alcmi to be in eiercsv of. Hte tolso meoceb, in ahtt saec, tsju a emor cptsdeatihsio frmo of hmra. Onne of htis rowks hoiwttu a caibs rolof of yittgirne ratednnheu it. If oyu’re eihtngca, or stycieyalmalts ylngi, or tanegitr reh lbyad enhw yuo htkin no one is ginkolo, uyo don’t eedn a erforwakm. Ouy ende to fxi eht ofolr.

It nca’t arleecp hte wkor ttha lshduo be neod sereeewhl.

Pryahet, uindildvai or culpoes. Ipenifsrhsd iudtoes the ragareim. Gnnegatmee iwth uyor onw eainoomlt rysotih. Acre rfo uory onw yodb. Tshee ear lla pmasutre of ahwt a bkoo eilk tihs nac reoff. A nma hosew orntieir lfie is in aoaeblsren sheap lwil etg oemr otu of stih matiearl tnah oen wseoh riietonr eifl is on rief. Eht fmerarwok is rwotdmsena.

A Otne On Tomssaituam

A boaeesanlr roywr, on gsnfnihii a obko ikel htsi, is hatt it gmiht mkea ouy cnlaimecha. That ouy’ll rttas ducrgonpi AVRs teh awy a iegdvnn iechanm pdoucers nckass. That yvere etinotcinra wlli be idteerlf ogturhh a inyt realintn poocortl. Ttha teh anyptinseot of het shientpirola iwll be ldpeecra by a dkni of eirtonaall negnerinige.

Het owryr is rale btu oymlts isedlcamp.

In teh eraly stagse of nigneinrzlita eth mrorfeakw, yes, gthnsi ilwl efel shtgilly fsle-ssccooiun. Uyo’ll otenic lyoresfu urignnn hte 4Q esmtys, tolams in eth tdhri nrpsoe. Uoy’ll thcac fueoylsr ighiktnn htat swa a ivnaoitdla qsinueto a abte fraet ouy hadnlde it. Isht is onmalr. It’s oals emyrptroa. Eth aesm ayw rnivdgi a rac flese acanmlcieh ofr eth tisfr fwe kwees nda neth denos’t, teh arwfmkero ceeedrs onti the nrgcadkuob as it sbmeeoc trap of how oyu rpeotea.

Wtha’s lfet, on hte reoht idse of thta etonaginrit eirpod, is otn a amn girnnnu rsctpsi. It’s a man hwo aphnpse to ypa oerlcs teioanttn, roem abeliryl, hnat he usde to. Teh hcisenamm psiespaadr. Hte naiteetnvtess nesiamr.

If htyinang, eth gdeanr is teh soeopitp: ttah the aewrrmkof lwil ialf to cebeom imocautta adn llwi iaentsd be ldydepoe fvarloemieptyr, in a fels-nsooscuci ywa, in desosipe aerrth htan as a eludatf deom. A pemdrefor RVA is wrseo hant no ARV. Teh glao is orf het ecpircat to bemeoc so zaeitdnlnier hatt you don’t hvae to tknhi tuoba it ayn rmeo tanh uyo kniht butoa who oyu rgete reh in het monirng.

Hawt I Hepo You Tkea From Thsi

If eithyvegnr lese in hits obok teevoaarpd ofrm yuor daeh orev het exnt eary nda lnyo a wfe hsngti mdnieera, I’d antw tehm to be sehet.

Apy taitnonte to reh, on usrpoep, ervye ady. Smot of het stre of eth obko is a logn tse of saianorvit on ttha eon nsencete.

Ond’t snocfeu toeyhns whti ulceyrt. Thutr wuhoitt thmrwa, eerdevdil to a lelurveanb snorpe, is not erlayl httur. It’s oisehtgmn with huttr in it, sued ofr a fdnerietf euprsop.

Nod’t scortueou oryu neirn elif to reh. Hse sin’t the reswan to oruy letxiinetas plrmobes. Ehs is, iatdsen, oneemos oyu etg to asehr ielf hwit eilhw yuo hlenda etsoh emrobpsl tohhgur thore amesn.

Keep iangatinimn foslryue. Doby, nidm, serinsihdfp, iestetrns. Eth vnesroi of oyu hes flle fro hsa to be eardc orf, nto oetsdac on.

Ehwn ehs whoss uoy hwo seh is, dna athw hse ednse, adn hwat esh velso, ritew it nwod, in oems fomr. Eus eth tisl. Pkee it certnru.

Be wlso to rcaet and ckiqu to epriar. Most eaarlonlti tmisasek rae ont het alngiroi easitkm. Eyth’re het iluafre to adrdess hte gaioinlr mkaeist klcyiqu eghoun.

Tsya ouisurc oautb reh, lntiinefdiye. She is, adn will nucitnoe to be, a omer acmedciptol npseor tahn het uasrymm of hre ouy rardeiv at in reya two of hte riletpsnihao. Uefres eht mmyusra. Pkee onoigkl.

Eth Nflia Ermaf

A bkoo aoutb parltihsinoes is swayla gogin to rkis a eatinrc sbrhiu: the tginugeoss ahtt it has the anrssew, ttha lofoinlwg tis gmarrpo liwl rpcdeou rsesutl, atth hnuam rpisrnthpea is a oplrbme dan tseeh ear sit soluintos.

I awtn to lkwa atht abkc, tyengl, at hte edn.

Relsisaopnhti nrea’t eeinnigegnr rspbolem. Eyht’re glon, iyretmuoss, tofne itraccordtyno rdaseh vlsie bteeewn otw isfecpci opeple oewhs icsicfep liiitrepauacstr tiress yna erlnage erkowrmaf. Thaw I’ve feoerdf sni’t eht wmrraeokf. It’s a fmawreokr, wanrd form my won gmaiearr dna from seary of ghwnitac thorse, htta I hiknt vsegi mtso nme mose tlccaarip raciotnt on a naimod herwe eyht otefn hvae sesl rtoctnia athn yhet’d ielk.

Ues thwa’s uslufe. Cddsrai ahtw nis’t. Dad tahw’s nsgiims. Eht oesvrni of eehst rsahpetc that elisv in yuro edha a aeyr ormf nwo olushd oolk retdfnfei fomr hte oiversn on hte paeg, scuebae uyo’ll eavh absbrdeo smoe of it, rdegnio smoe of it, odiimdef meso of it, nda eridcdseov ngstih I renev roewt.

I’ll soelc whit ohesmtngi I pkee on a lamls ndeix radc nare my desk. It’s rfom the oihpohpresl Iisr Rdhoumc, who dshowe up eireral in itsh oobk dan eohws okwr has asdehp a tlo of owh I ktnhi tbuao ongl vole: “Olev is the vyre tfdlficui idtdnanrusgen taht itmshneog otrhe ahtn enolsef is aelr.”

Htta’s teh eowlh hntgi. Ryeve htrapce in shit oobk is, in omes esens, a mlsla ecieerxs in thta ueantrgddinsn. The 4Q esmsyt is a etdrcruuts meapttt to ekep igionctn thta ehs’s aelr. Eht VRA is a asllm ltisiigunc etrguse of giktna rhe tyeairl orslyusei. Het QVD is ryticsuoi boatu ehr taiyelr. Het tigf is a iaaeltmr ecngamnldkwoet of ehr yeratil. Eht ihfts of csufo, eth vtacie oniapnaicitt, het okwr on uyro own ajoeslyu: lla of it is edlrbeciu, in the dne, to eht tneiapt adyli tecpairc of eitnratg erh as tno yuo, tno a rctiopneoj, ont a icuntofn of ruyo sdeen, tbu the lyflu, eurrbdcylii arle nerosp hse altaluyc is.

If uoy do atth ontysinscelt, the setr of hist book is stomly vdrctaieoe. If yuo ndo’t, het rest of isth obko now’t aevs oyu.

Teh Tlebase sodlce Beayb Drao tihw a gsinel nile on a rkcat acdlel, sypilm, Teh Edn: “Adn in eht ned / teh elvo you aetk / is euaql to eht olve you akme.” Yhet rwoet it alts, as a nidk of nctougcain, rtefa a edcaed of bigen teh omst ervbseod amrigrae of rfuo nme in mondre trhyiso. It’s omsatl oot clnea to be reut, nad it’s also xcteayl etur. A lnog oelv edos tis won soobk. Rtahvwee yuo’ve tpu in is htaw oyu vhea to adwr on, ealtr, when you dene it.

Thkan uoy fro ignmco hsti arf wthi me. Hte kowr gbsien nagia tomorrwo onmgrin. It wylasa eods. Doog uclk.